1. Listen to the experts here. 2. Don't throw out too many words right now. He's not going to believe you. Only actions that he can see will have any positive impact on him. Words only matter when there is trust and right now there is zero trust. 3. Again, read the links people here are providing to you and take their advice.
It seems we all agree about not discussing the MR right now. Don't be asking him what he's going to do, if he's leaving, etc. Although you may feel nervous and insecure, try your best not to show it to him.
I believe the best way is for him to see the work you are doing. No putting pressure on him. No breaking down in front of him. No asking him questions, but answer whatever he asks you. No fretting in his presence. These are a lot of "no's" but they are a lot of work to do.
I have not had experience with OCD, so I can't help you there. I have had depression most of my adult life. It doesn't disappear. It has to be managed with medication.
Did your first H leave you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just offering morale support. As an LBH I can feel the pain your H is feeling with your A. Follow the advice and stay true to your convictions of trying to make the M work. It's a long road but a worth while one
Hi Klassic, I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. It is good to see someone who has cheated posting here and I'm pleased to see the warm welcome you have received from others. I think it takes courage for posting as you have and I applaud you for it.
As you say, if your H and you decide to try and repair things, there is much to overcome. But it is possible and people do it. It is promising that your H tells you he still loves you. However, he will be in a lot of pain and may not be able to decide to recommit just yet.
That's okay, because you have some areas that you need to work on and I'm glad you are getting the support you need. You mentioned that others (your H, your therapist) are trying to help, but you're not sure they can handle things. Is that a fear for you, that no-one will be up to that job, and what will happen then?
Can you tell us a little more about the issues from your past that you believe have contributed to your current mental heath and infidelity my friend?
Stick with us, and if you want an example of someone who has travelled this difficult road and come out the other side, it's Sandi.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks for the support and advice. I know I have lots of work ahead of me, but you're right - it's a long road but worth it not only for the hope of saving my marriage but for myself.
Me 35 H 45 M 12 T 13 S16, S11, D7, D5 IDTB (I dropped the bomb) 9/30/15
Never thought I'd be in an online forum posting about my mental "stuff," but life is funny that way, isn't it?
Well to start, and to not bombard you all with loads of backstory, I grew up in a domestic violent home. My parents both cheated on one another repeatedly, and my dad was an extreme womanizer (probably some sort of sex addiction tbh, but don't know for sure).
I began an addiction to porn somewhere between the ages of 6-8 (my parent's stash), and that continued until my early adulthood. I know this has affected my views and disposition toward sex and relationships, didn't need a therapist to tell me that! Aside from these, have major issues with shame/guilt/and of course anxiety.
There's much more, as life has all sorts of pathways and connections from one event to another, but those are a couple that I know have hindered my ability to be in an create a healthy relationship.
Thanks for all he feedback from all of you who have posted. I will keep the advice close.
Me 35 H 45 M 12 T 13 S16, S11, D7, D5 IDTB (I dropped the bomb) 9/30/15
Anyhow, H is on a business trip and texts me in the morning to say "good morning" and will call once during the day to talk to the kids and once at night to talk to me and go over his feelings for the day.
I want to text him sometimes just to let him know I'm thinking about him, or to say hi, but I don't know if that's a good idea. I am afraid to do/say anything without him coming to me first. I told him I loved him in my last text to him and he didn't reply. I felt so stupid and wonder if I shouldn't go there at all right now.
As usual, any help/thoughts are appreciated.
Me 35 H 45 M 12 T 13 S16, S11, D7, D5 IDTB (I dropped the bomb) 9/30/15
Hi Klassic - it's okay to post as much as you need...there's no limit. The forum is open 24/7 and there is always someone here.
I'm sorry to hear about your family circumstances. That must have been tough, and we all do our best with the hand of cards we are dealt. Sometimes as kids, the coping mechanisms we develop make sense at the time, but don't serve us well as we get older.
I think you need to have a therapist you have confidence in. Does yours have particular experience in your own area of need? Also, you mention shame and I wonder if you might find Brene Brown's two TED talks helpful?
WRT contact with your H. I would remain responsive and friendly to his contact, but if you initiate ILYs and he doesn't respond, I would back off from that and keep it at a lighter level. It sounds like he may need some time and space to process things.
My take on this is that his greatest fear will be going down this same (infidelity) road again as he has been deeply hurt (I'm speaking from my own experience here.)
For me, I would need to know that there has been a deep realisation that infidelity was not the answer to life's troubles and that my H was willing to dig deep within to understand why this happened. I would also need to know that my H was truly remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild things. A huge part of that would be no contact with OP - which you have already done. Good for you and sustaining that is paramount.
I would focus on your own work just now, and on getting yourself to a healthier place. Give your H some space and time, but remain responsive when he gets in touch.
Take care and keep moving forward - you're doing well xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You definitely need to focus on yourself and getting to the healthiest place you can be and you need to do it for YOU. It may help you to reconcile your M but right now YOU are the priority. If you really have no complaints about the M or your H but you continue to seek happiness elsewhere it is either because of your OCD/Alcoholism/depression/past traumas or because there really is something missing in the M for you. Being great doesn't mean they are meeting your most important needs. However, there is a good chance it is from other issues. Either way, you need to address them so you can be the healthiest, happiest you regardless of your M. Once you start working on you, you can think about restoring your M...and many times, taking that step to work on yourself makes the spouse take notice and they aren't so quick to give up. Honestly, I would tell him you realize you need to work on yourself, tell him exactly what you have figured out and need to do (that helpedmy M a lot, explain your plan to get help and be a better you and that you hope he sticks with the M while you do this. And be honest with yourself about him. Maybe he is perfect, I don't know, but if he is contributing to the downfall of your M you need to recognize how and deal with that at some point.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
