Im sorry to hear how crazy she is acting but I understand how it be easier to detach when they are acting nuts.
How did you stop drinking and smoking at the same time? I want to but Im having a hard time with it. My wife is an alcoholic and there is always booze around. Ive been smoking a lot more than usual. That's awesome that you were able to quit just like that. I am impressed.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
REad up a bit on your sitch .... one thing that would help is to add a Signature like most of us have so we can have a feel of who you are, who she is .. kids, how long you have been married and together.
As far as where you are at. You validating, doing the 180's, STFU and just listening .... well its throwing her way off and confusing her. Along with that, you caught her ... thats not how her A was supposed to go, your W has had this all figured out and you are gettign involved amd making a mess of things. Currently she is wayward, her head is not on straight ... she is on the A-drug and its effects are very addictive.
Do be careful, when you listen and validate (I am not accusing you of this .. but have seen it) .... it has to be sincere, no angst, judgements .. none of that. When she does spew, put on the spew jacket and just listen ... you can gather alot by a storm by just being outside and observing how the clouds are moving, the wind, the smell .... same holds true here, consider it Recon, intel gathering only and you can use this later ... things you can work on, 180, things picked up while she is spewing can become very valuable to you later.
OhGreat, I am really proud of you to hold your composure, that is AMAZING, we know what youre going through and a lot of us have messed up big time during this stage.
Keep doing what your doing, which is what works!
You are throwing her off, you are shifting the dynamics of this situation.
She is all over the place, but that's a good thing for you, the sooner she realizes the better.
I am glad youre not drinking!!! Please don't! It can set you back Months maybe even years!!
Sorry it's been a bit, but I've been keeping a lower profile online, concerned with my W snooping. Figured better safe than sorry. I quit both by quitting both. Inside I know that it is required for DB (well at least the smoking part was). I use gum and just don't drink. I find they are very much intertwined. I feel sooooooo much better. I couldn't be drinking right now and maintain anything like composure either. The big hurdle for smoking was 90 days. It's easier now. Some days I'd do anything for a G&T though.
So, what's been going on? My 180s, I keep revising them and working on them-keeping what works and getting rid of what doesn't. I think that's a big thing. Every stitch is similar but also different IMHO. So my coach suggests that I cultivate the friendship and maintain physical contact when possible and appropriate. What shifted I think is my approach. If I touch with trepidation, then that lack of confidence comes through, if I touch with confidence, she responds well. I notice the same with boundaries. I've been speaking up more confidently and I've used some truth darts when necessary, but I don't carry the grudge. If it's on the phone I come home happy and like someone who said what they had to say and that's that, let's eat. Same thing face to face. A lot of validation too. Being right and winning an argument is so overrated. Some times I feel like breaking something, or throwing her out so I talk to friends or drive or get coffee or shop or whatever. Is she lying still? I dunno. She isn't acting like she was when she was in A for certain and she has been a lot more respectful of me. Showing gratitude, saying thanks, defending me to my kids, not making jokes (as often) and reaching out a lot more. Still no intimacy though and she does get depressed and angry but she is looking (I think) for me to help pull her out of it sometimes. The other day she didn't want to get out of bed, but I was taking my daughter somewhere, suggested she might wanna come. She did, had fun and thanked me for my help. She's also been asking me if she can do things for me or if I need anything, and I let her help me b/c that's how she shows love, but I really don't need her to. She's also been constructively criticizing me sometimes "I don't like when you set the table that way, I prefer it this way" type of stuff and I try to listen. That's all I can think of writing right now. I know it focused on W and R but I gotta get that out somewhere. Sometimes just being awesome and very very handsome isn't enough to lift my spirits.
Sounds like you have your head right. That dictates everything.Keep up the good work, listen to the vets,answer their questions.
Best if luck
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Unbelievable job quitting drinking and smoking! I quit smoking in January, but as soon as I kicked him out, I used that as an excuse to smoke again. I allowed myself a month of ciggs and just quit them again a week ago. So I understand how crazy it can make you, and you calmness through the stress is amazing.
It's funny, my 180 is to grab a few beers now and then. Yours is to walk away from beer. You will hear most wise people on this board stress staying away from alcohol, so they will definitely help you if you feel the need.
I think you are doing a great job. I would suggest you stop trying to figure out what she is thinking or why she is saying something. It will only drive you batty.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I agree. I don't really try, I just vent here. I allow myself to do that. Especially with no smoking I need an outlet, I got a bad enough temper without carrying that around too. Also, we are supposed to do 180s but keep what works and discard what doesn't. So unless we do pay a certain amount of attention to it, are we actually doing it as prescribed? That's the challenge. Detach? I can do that so fast and so hard, I'd be gone like the road runner. Seriously. The hard part is the semi detached semi attached fine line we walk-maintaining the ability to intellectually evaluate progress/status, dispassionately.
Journaling. I'm soooooo tired of the emo hs girl BS at this point. When this passive aggressive cr@p starts I go out. I went for a drive for an hr, came home got the "where were you?" with attitude. I smile. Coffee I said, go to my office. Now usually when I'm pissed I scream at the top of my lungs in my car. Pretty cathartic and better than hitting someone, but I forgot to. So, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
