V - I would have thought so. But she is prideful, stubborn and passive. I have never seen remorse, and I see resentment in the emails still.
But then she reaches out to me more than I reach out to her.
This weekend was a good example. I had told her parents Friday AM when I dropped off the kids, that I would be away teaching my first whitewater instructional course (one of my goals, and it was really fun). And I would be leaving that night. Well, as luck would have it, she asked me to drop off some toys for the kids that they could have lived without. I dropped them off, and it was cordial. I ended up staying for about 40 min. Then Saturday during the day she sent me pictures of both kids and a text. She took the kids to the party store and they were trying on costumes, glasses, masks, etc. They had a really good time and she sent me some pictures.
She will reach out to me for these things, but yet she won't respond to my email request of getting together.
Furthermore, Friday AM, the kidney doctor called from the transplant office. I passed the initial screening test and the blood test. Now they would like me to come in and get an MRI, Ultrasound and a tissue test to see if I am a match. I spoke with the doctor about donating to my kids and not to her. She thought it was a bad idea, saying that my kidney will be much older than what the kids would require. It is a better idea to donate now if I am going to donate.
X doesn't know I was tested. If I was to do this, I have to fully commit to it. I have to be doing it only for my kids. Not for her, and with no expectations or arrangements.
This is by far my biggest test for compassion and selflessness. Donating an organ to the mother of my children, for my children. But also, donating an organ to a woman who does not love me, is resentful, doesn't not care about me or my future, and only will contact me when she needs something.
Very difficult. I'd like to know what people think.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I'd also like to thank V, GB, Photoka, overcome and asitis for weighing in. That you guys for keeping me in check last week. I needed that.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
You said it yourself, you'd be doing it for your kids, not her. That said, I can't imagine donating an organ to my H right now, although I hope I would if it meant my daughter would keep her father.
I think you need to donate the kidney. Your kids are young now, but when they grow up they will realize what you did for them.
On a side note, I was watching the news one night, and someone I grew up with (and lost touch with) was going through a divorce and her H had donated a kidney, and as part of the D settlement he was asking for his kidney back.
Gosh, I've been gone (more than) a few days and am way behind.
First I wanted to give you the advice my DB coach gave me when it came to sending a letter, not sure if you are still getting coaching but mine gave me tips on a last resort letter. As I looked thru my notes I have to admit I'm a little confused (lol) but maybe you can decipher it.
Quote:
I know that you are done with our R and have moved on. I would like to share with you thoughts and feelings I have re: things I did that were hurtful to you and our R. -list of complaints -what she has told you and what you think -let her know you get it, no justification For all the above I ask for your forgiveness. (optional: if you think this is manipulation it isn't)
Despite how unhappy you've been in our R your x yrs commitment has been remarkable.
As I said to you b4 I don't think D was the answer to our problems none the less I respect you enough to let you go as that was your choice.
As painful and difficult as this sitch has been, the blessing in disguise is that it's leading me to who I want to be either alone or in a future R.
Plz do not reply.
You are obviously at a different point in your R than I was/am and would have to adjust it to fit you. Just some thoughts if you do decide to send a letter. I hope the letter you wrote gave you some release but don't think you should send it.
Ok, next, on the parenting plan. Maybe it's time you call her out on it and force the issue (somewhat). Why should you be held accountable by her on something she is not holding herself accountable for?
As for the kidney, I agree with Vapo, this is a decision you will have to make for yourself. Good you asked the Doc about possibly donating to your children. For what it's worth I think your reason for wanting to give her your kidney are more true to who you are (kind, loving, giving man) than your reasons against (why should I give her my kidney when she doesn't love me/hurt me). This isn't something to be taken lightly however and you have to do what is right for you, and you alone.
lost
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Gmum, Photoka, Vapo and Lost, Thank you for stopping by. I agree with you all. You were right. I knew the answer somewhere deep down.
Lost, I was able to decipher your notes and I think there are some good pointers in there I can incorporate.
Photoka, In regards to the news.... Good thing for me I am already D'ed!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
She emailed me today, in response to last week. She was cordial. I'm on business today and had to let the email sit for awhile. She asked if I would like to see S open his costume (it came in the mail, it is a TRex and he is super excited). I said I would like to and that I am available tomorrow and the rest of the week. I think she wanted me to do it today. Oh well.
Last night, I crashed at my Sister and BIL's. They have 3 kids who see me as the fun uncle so that was a lot of fun. After the kids crashed we talked about the kidney situation.
Through some thought provoking discussions with them I've come to the realization, that I need to discuss it with her. I'm willing and able to do it. But it does put our kids in jeopardy if both parents aren't healthy. One of us has to be around for the next 25+ years. I also whitewater kayak like a fiend, which carries a level of risk on its own.
So I think my position is that if things for her are critical I will offer immediately. But I would like to hear her thoughts, and believe this needs to be a co-parenting decision.
Now that I've wrapped my head around that I need to figure out how I would like to approach it with her.
Also my D BDay is the 21st and her party is at my house on the 24th. It is about to get busy...
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
