You are welcome, sir. It seems like my advice is contradictory to what every one else is saying and I am fine with that. Just providing another view point.
Quote:
She then said that she thinks she would always question her decision.
That statement tells me that the door is open and that she is giving you the chance to walk through it. But it also seems, that due to the stubbornness, that it may also close rather quickly if you don't recognize it and act. And by acting, I mean actually saying it rather than hints.
Quote:
A few days after the mediation when STBX was expressing reluctance about D, I swung for the fence, took the lead a bit, and offered alternate resolutions for R.
Swung for the fence? Did you actually say let's do this or just give a subtle hint that you are open to the R? There is a huge difference in the two. Some people have to be hit over the head and be told bluntly and openly. And some just want to hear it. Maybe she does.
The question is, since the door is obviously open and she is asking you to walk through it - will you take a leap of faith? Or just let things continue and hope that she will get over her stubbornness and take the leap herself? Which one will lead to biggest regret?
Those are questions only you can answer. Maybe my advice is wrong - and I have been wrong many times before. But it just seems to me that she is asking - sort of holding her hand out to see if you will take it. But I don't know her and her intentions. All I know is what you have provided. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith.
I just think that if even part of a person wants to save their marriage, then they should do all they could and exhaust all avenues. Maybe even swallow a bit of their own pride and walk through the open door. Just sayin.
Last edited by Evil_E; 10/07/1512:21 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I'd have you send a text message to the OM's wife saying something like:
I have reason to suspect my wife and your husband are still in contact. My 4 year old daughter claims to have met him out and about several times including the grocery store picking out a cake (and her birthday party is coming up soon). My best guess is that this happened on September ___. On another note, my wife and I have mediated our divorce agreement and she can finalize the divorce whenever she chooses and I'll be out of her life. She is procrastinating such and remains affectionate yet indecisive about reconciliation. I believe your husband's continuing affair with my wife is the likely reason she is unable to commit to anything but I could be wrong. I am reaching the point of not caring one way or another but I thought you should be aware. Also, perhaps he should be aware that if he has intentions of divorcing you to be with my wife permanently, that my children are aware of the truth about his destroying their family and neither they, nor I, will accept him into their lives. He will be voluntarily stepping into a situation where he will be resented and despised, indefinitely; and, likewise I'm sure you'll feel the same about my wife.
I've attempted to engage you in this battle for our marriages but you have resisted thus far. My wife has already moved out and filed divorce. There is little I can do. Your husband is the doctor with much more to lose (custody and money). He probably has no intention of divorcing you whatsoever. My wife is probably just a side piece of action in a short or long list of other side pieces of action these narcissitic doctors seem to accumulate while living their lives for the hospital and working long hours in close proximity with idolizing females. You could have blown this up a long time ago and I'm a little resentful at your apparent lack of follow through (again - I could be wrong). Your husband is a wayward liar. If you intend to remain married to him, you must make him accountable to you for his actions and his whereabouts in a verifiable manner. Taking his word about anything is merely enabling him. I wish you well.
It's worth a shot.
Have your "last date" with her and then demand she decide. Give her an ultimatum (realizing that her indecisiveness has no end to it until you give it an end). The ultimatum shouldn't be whether she finalizes the divorce or not because she could just prolong that and maintain this indecisive stance for months longer. Instead it should be YOUR boundary and what it will take for her to have the privilege and right to remain in YOUR life.
I would advise you to put this in writing in an envelope you hand her after your GREAT date.
Use the language I've discussed several times in your thread.
Something like:
As you are aware, I still remain in love with you enough to attempt recovery and reconciliation of our marriage in spite of your illicit and ongoing affair with Dr. Poopyhead (yes I am fully aware you are still spending time with him and talking to him as is his wife).. The mixed signals (affection and compliments) followed by indecision are slowing draining all the remaining love you have for her and you are just about done. Therefore, she has to decide now if she intends to remain in your life at all.
Starting today - right now she should be advised to not to see, speak or have any contact you whatsoever until she decides to commit to:
1. No Contact with OM (which should include a plan whereby she leaves that workplace all together - not just another floor)
2. She commits to a marital recovery plan
Then you must follow through. She must become aware of what life will look like post divorce with you GONE. She must miss you. She must fear and feel losing you forever.
Arrangements for an intermediary to communicate regarding the children should be in place. She shouldn't be able to call or even text you directly and child exchanges should be done through her parents, your parents or a friend. Do not even let her lay eyes on you.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
All, I appreciate the response an advice. Certainly a lot of collective wisdom to consider here.
So, tentatively scheduled to get together with STBX on Saturday night. Initially, she suggested just hanging on with the kids but I let her know that I thought it was important for it just to be the two of us. I chose a place that is casual, eclectic, and fun, with lots of stuff going on to engage us if the small talk dries up.
I want to simply have a good time and be in the moment. If I try to hard, STBX will be able to tell. I love asitis' suggestion on creating a safe environment for STBX to feel comfortable being vulnerable.
I'm hesitant to go on the attack again in regards to OM. Regardless of R, what's best for my young children is for mom and dad to be able to co-parent effectively. STBX and I are doing well that right now. I have no interest in blowing that up again.
Az, You're wise to remind me that feelings can change over time, even after D. I know anything is possible with an uncertain future.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
So, tentatively scheduled to get together with STBX on Saturday night. Initially, she suggested just hanging on with the kids but I let her know that I thought it was important for it just to be the two of us. I chose a place that is casual, eclectic, and fun, with lots of stuff going on to engage us if the small talk dries up.
I want to simply have a good time and be in the moment. If I try to hard, STBX will be able to tell. I love asitis' suggestion on creating a safe environment for STBX to feel comfortable being vulnerable.
That sounds like a good idea. I like the safe environment idea. If you are wanting to have a good time and be in the moment, then what is your goal out of it? Just a date, or explore the possibility of trying again? As I have said before, from what you have written it really does seem the door is open but its up to you step through. I am not saying jump in full force with the "I love you" and stuff like that, but let her know in no uncertain terms that you want to try again. Don't be vague and tiptoe around things. Now, unless she really is a vindictive b**ch and playing you, then this seems to be the time. I guess the real question is, do you want to? If it were me, I would take the opportunity because I want to save my marriage. That's a no-brainer.
Jump in but yet take baby steps is all you can do. Baby steps. It seems (and we all know how my advice is counter to all others on here) that you want to, so why not? Really, at this point, what is there to lose? Quite honestly, only you know your W, but from what you have written, its there.
Quote:
I'm hesitant to go on the attack again in regards to OM. Regardless of R, what's best for my young children is for mom and dad to be able to co-parent effectively. STBX and I are doing well that right now. I have no interest in blowing that up again.
Unfortunately, if you want to give it a go again with your W, then that is what has to be done. She has to know that you won't play second fiddle to anyone...period. Don't take this the wrong way, but if you don't stand up in regards to the OM, then she will view you as a doormat and will continue - with him or maybe even another. If you don't want to try with her again, then just let her continue the A.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
My goals are twofold. Firstly, just be myself and have fun . Why not? Secondly, listen to STBX and attempt to better understand her perspective at this time. I am open to the idea of trying again but I'm also comfortable with this R being over too.
I agree that OM needs to be out of the picture for STBX and I to ever give it a go again. If the journey ever takes us to that crossroad, obviously no contact with OM is a must. However, I don't want to put the cart before the horse here. Like you said, baby steps. Plus, my intel is from my d4. When I asked d4 more time specific questions, she was less than reliable in her answers.
Right now, I feel it's most important to place all my focus on things I can control, like getting my priorities in order and my head on straight. Mind reading would be a giant mistake right now. Plus, like asitis mentioned, it's entirely possible that STBX could be on the verge of another BD. If I get get back to DB basics, I'll be best equipped for whatever the future holds. Either way it ends up, I know I'll be ok.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Hi Defacto, I hope your get together goes well. I think light and friendly is the way to go and I wouldn't let your W know that you are still interested in possible R unless she asks you a direct question to that effect. If she does, you can answer honestly and authentically, knowing you'll be fine either way.
WRT OP - If that ever arises with my H, I plan to say that if I have learned one thing, it is that I don't want to live like that (having a third person involved in ANY way with my partner). That is not how I want my life to be - take it or leave it - if you still want to be in touch with OP, I don't want us to be in touch (apart from essential kid stuff).
Good luck, relax and enjoy xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Sotto, Thanks for the reply and great advice. I'm pretty confident going into tonight. I'm just going to be upbeat, casual, and comfortable. If STBX decides to share, I will be ready to actively listen and validate.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
