Where do I go from here, pt. 3

[Azzork]

I've been thinking over the phone call with H yesterday (first one in a while) and thinking about what I did right and wrong.

Good: I didn't interrupt what I was doing to answer the phone. I waited until he texted me and then called him back.
Good!

Bad: I told him why I didn't answer the phone. I was finishing up a Pilates class.
I think no big deal to say what you were doing. I wouldnt go out of your way to apologize for missing his call.

Good: I didn't offer to fix his phone account online access issue. I explained what I thought was going on because I was having the same problem.
Not saying you did, but try not to tell him what to do either. Speak from your experiences: "I had to do XXX and YYY when I had ZZZ happen." vs. "You need to XXX and YYY." But good that you didnt jump in to be the hero!

Bad: I asked him if he had done a "change of address" at the post office and told him he also really needs to change his contact information at the hospital.
While you dont want to say "you need to...", sometimes, it may impact you. If you are getting his bills or if you are on his account and he cant pay things, etc, its important to let him know that these things arent done.

Good: I didn't ask why he was at the hospital. When he told me why I said I was sorry but didn't dwell on it.
Good!

Good: I shared some information he needed regarding me preparing the house for sale. Signals that I am moving on.
Good

Bad: I extended the conversation too long. He was the one that ended it. Ugh.
Ah well. Learn for next time!

[beckyb]

Thanks. We interact so seldom these days I tend to over react. It might be a positive thing that he actually called me instead of texting. IDK. There is so very little hope in my situation I wonder why I'm even worried about. Time will tell and I'm trying to move on in the mean time.

I am thinking about you today. Did you see your MC yet?

[beckyb]

PMA in the gutter today. I think the strain of waiting for the other shoe to drop is getting to me.

[Avanti]

beckyb, why are you waiting for something to happen? Don't waste your time, go and do something else., it's not as important as you and how you feel are.

Have you looked at your written goals recently? Do they need updating or a bit of jiggling? When I'm feeling a bit lost or down at heel, refocusing on what I want from life usually gets me thinking in the right way and the blues lift.

Being gentle on yourself is important, acknowledging where you are is the start of the process, really knowing where you are heading is where it starts to get exciting again.

[beckyb]

I doing stuff. I think part of this is normal emotions that come and go.

I do need some focus though. I plan to spend some time this weekend writing down very specific goals.

[Avanti]

You are right it is normal, is the cycle in and out quicker for you now than it once was?

All the best for your goal setting, take the time to read the section on this in the DR book (Chapter 3, Page 80) so they are correctly formed and really help you achieve what you are aiming for.

[beckyb]

I'm not sure DB goals are what I need since I am in LRT mode. My goals are about helping me recover and move on. Chapter 3 is about goals related to R. I do need to have small, measurable goals though.

I have to confess that I have pretty much only read the parts about LRT. I think anything is just discouraging at this point.

[Sotto]

I think the chapter on goals is a little confusing and I think it is best to see the R 'goals' more as 'signs of progress.' It seems kind of pointless having them as goals because you actually don't have complete control over them as they relate to your spouse.

Much better to have goals that are all about you - they could be to do with health, money, learning, growth, weight, bucket list items, friendships, hobbies and so on. Of course, if you achieve your own goals, that may in itself draw your spouse towards you again....but of course that should never be the primary focus. The primary focus should always be you!

[beckyb]

Thanks Sotto. I agree. My situation is so far gone I don't even know what kinds of signs/milestones to look for. So I try not to do anything stupid and focus on me. Trying to follow all the DB rules can be very stressful in itself.

I am only 3 1/2 months out from BD and I'm just now recovered enough to think about actually goals. My plan is to write some down this weekend.

H says he wants to divorce quickly but hasn't done anything to move forward except file. Some days I think I have time DB to work and some days I don't. I'm trying to move forward but keep the door open a crack.

[Sotto]

Absolutely you have time, and there is always hope as long as you still have love for your H and are willing to leave the door open a tiny bit. Many sitches that seem pretty far gone (not saying yours is any more than anyone's here) can and do turn around. But the main thing is to move forward and not put your own life on hold. If your H ever wants to turn back and put in the hard work to reconcile, you can consider whether you want to at that point.

In the meantime....having some goals just for you and working towards them just for you is the best way to go I think....and good luck!!