Confused Newbie 3

[dday]

I am grateful today for:

Had a good visit with my landlord last night. He's a very nice man that just met me recently, but is trying to help any way that he can.

Have a project here at work that is different than normal, so it is sort of a challenge, and will keep my mind off some things hopefully.

S8 has his last baseball game tonight. It will be nice to slow down a bit after this is over. S6 has one more after tonight.

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Oddly enough, W boss is the only person who told her that leaving out M would be a good idea. W has told me that "He just tells me how it is". W has always been close to him, and tells him her side of everything. So, if we had a problem in the evening, she would go to work and tell him about it, and may never talk to me about it at all. Wasn't really fair to me to not know how I had "hurt" her, but her boss knows. It's hard to fix what you don't know is a problem. We have always held back our feelings, etc to not hurt each other. They just bottled up and turned to poison in her.

I feel that is a major part of our breakdown. We didn't communicate our wants and needs effectively. That is a main point I have been working on in IC. Communication of my feelings, without it appearing like an attack.

[dday]

Conflicted feelings again. Sometimes it is: I can't understand why she would do this to our family. I have given her everything that I knew she wanted, and have tried to guess what she has been needing that she couldn't/wouldn't tell me. Sometimes it is: It's her mess and she has to be the one to fix it. Sometimes it is: I am not sure that I want her back, if she would throw me away so easily.

Double header tonight, and I need to appear "as if" I am ok with her decision. Hard to not show my feelings. I can do it, but I fear that I am slipping into the friend zone then. I WILL NOT just be her friend. That isn't fair to me, my feelings, and I fear that it hinders any chance at R.

[dday]

It is so disheartening to be here at the kids game, and W is sitting with one of the moms and texting someone and laughing. Seeming to have a good time. I, myself, wasn't having a bad time with the kids. But for some reason, it really bugs me to see her on the phone so much. I know it shouldn't, but it does.

I can't quit expecting something to change. I would like to, so I wouldn't be disappointed every day. There hasn't been any loss for her, or any great change, other than I am not at home. So I really have no reason to think she would react differently, and have the fog lift. I was happier, and don't think I showed her anything else. One of the boys was sick and she apologized, saying that he wasn't like that when she left the house. I wasn't accusing her of anything, but she got defensive anyway.

I need to keep working on letting go. I feel guilty trying, but I know I need to. I'm still praying, and trying to give it to God

[otw]

I find the phone thing infuriating. I feel like she lives her life on it. I have been trying not to look at her lately. It kind of helps.

[mutatio]

My wife does the same thing with the phone. I used to resent being ignored while she is on her phone. Now it doesn't matter because she won't talk with me anyway.

I am not sure rejecting her friendship in the short term is wise. I repeat I am not sure. It seems to be an emotional reaction. Isn't it smart to appear friendly and supportive in a relaxed setting. Let her see the new and improved dday. Allow her to learn to like you again.

I don't know the answer but I do know burning down a bridge is easier then building one up in hostile territory.

[Hulk]

Her parents are still together. Someone had told her to quit, but it isn't her family. They have tried to get her to work through it.

Ok. I'm guessing the person who told her to leave you is/was influential in her life though?
Stay strong

[dday]

I am grateful today:

This is my last work day for a week!

I get the boys for the next 5 days... I have some fun things planned for us.

I had a decent interaction with W last night when dropping off S8, and I still have some hope.

_____________________________________________________

Ok, W told me last night that she and her mom are going shopping for the boys to get them new winter coats. (I am sure that MIL is going to pay for them, which does not help W see reality) I know that the in-laws are just trying to help... but it is very much an interference with us having a possible R. Nothing I can control, just an observation.

I have had 2 dreams this week about W wanting to reconcile. I don't normally remember my dreams, so this is memorable. I know it's probably my brain showing me what I want. But, it makes it harder for me the next day, when I do not see my dream become reality.

I am exhausted. Physically and emotionally. I have been feeling lately that I should just quit. I don't want that, but do I need to do it? I am not even sure what that will look like. But I feel that I am in need of something to stop this turmoil and fill the giant void.

I get the boys the next few days, and will try to focus on them. Let them fill my life up. It's not the same, but I love them, and they love me. They keep asking when I am coming home. In a way, I am glad that W hasn't told them that she is done. Gives me a bit of hope.

I really don't know what to do. Have been attempting LRT for a while now, and haven't seen any consistent results. She is still hot and cold with me.

Last night, she asked me to lift something heavy, and told me about hurting her back on a field trip with S4. Then told me that she was going shopping with her mom. Then asked if I needed anything special packed for the boys this week. Fishing for me to give her info on what my plans were.

Seems like maybe our dynamic may be changing a bit? At church, she still wants to be a "family". At ball, she now sits farther away from me. When it's just the 2 of us at kid swap etc, she seems to try to reel me in a bit. The changes are small, but I think they are real. I am still confused.

[dday]

At kid swap, she tried to give me hamburger to feed the boys, I told her that I had it covered. She came out with a huge suitcase full of clothes, smiling saying "you know me!"... it's always been a running joke that she over packs for everything. I wanted to respond, well I 5hought I knew you. I didn't, I bit my tongue. Then she mentioned that she didn't know what I was taking the boys to go do.

[dday]

I am grateful today:

Parent teacher conferences went well, only 1 b between S8 and S6. They are both doing very well in school.

S4 said that all he wants to do over this fall break is go bowling. He has never been and apparently has high hopes.

Cuddling. All 3 have came up and snuggled with me. Feels nice, and I miss it.

______________________

W met me at the school for conferences. I didn't really say much to her. She had on new clothes, jeans with butt bling, that we had always made fun of. Kinda odd she mentioned buying second hand clothes for the boys, and then shows up in new ones herself. She is acting as if she wants to be friends, but mostly we just talk about the boys. I fear she has become indifferent to me. Can you come back from that?

Boys keep asking me when I am coming home. S8 said he asked W and she told him "we will". And we are a family now. Not sure if I should hold out some hope there? God knows I want it, I pray to him several times a day. S4 is acting up a lot. I am sure our sitch is part of that. I miss hanging out with these guys every day. Miss W even more. Gonna try to make the best out of the next 4 days with them! Zoo, caves, bowling for S4, hotel and tons of good food. W and mil are taking them to an amusement park next weekend. I'm outnumbered, since I don't have my parents to help me. W and mil are going shopping for boys coats and new shoes today, which I am sure mil will pay for it. It's a nice gesture, but hurts W seeing reality.

[Ancaire]

D - funny that you were just commenting on Overcom' s thread, because I was heading over here to give you very similar advice! LOL

I started out pretending not long after finding my way to this board. It really worked for me. My heart was shattered, but I managed to find the strength to do what I needed to do. I spent plenty of time crying in private, but had on my "game face" in public. Pretty soon, my feelings really did undergo real changes. I detached to a level that I can operate at on an unemotional basis for the most part. I care about H, probably always will, but if he doesn't join me on my quest for a better R, I'll be able to move on. His actions destroyed a blind trust I used to have, but the loss wound up making me stronger.

Do I want D? No, absolutely not. I'd prefer to stick with my core beliefs and wind up with a happier M.

Will I be okay if it doesn't work out? Yes. I refuse to settle for an unhappy M any longer.

So my advice to help you truly detach: Pretend, Pretend, and pretend some more! Give an Oscar-worthy performance, because it matters. Do you want the same R, or something better? Your W is going to have to earn her way back to you. If something comes too easily, it is rarely valued the way it should be. You are a great dad, friend, and husband. You deserve a great M with someone you can count on.

You can do this, D!