Dealing with WW, Kids, and Divorce

[WhyUs]

This is so stressful for me. It seems like there is never an easy answer. I want to discuss my concerns with WW in hopes that she will be open to acting like an adult. It just seems hopeless to try and reason with her.

Yesterday S19 told me that he sent a letter to WW telling her that he thought what she was doing with OM was wrong. He told her that he did not feel like OM should be around S5 and S7 because he does too many drugs. Her reply was, "yeah, he has some growing up to do before I let him around the kids." This happened a month ago.

Yet, she still continues to go visit him. Where is her brain? I asked S19 if he thought she would ever snap out of it and he said no, not even in 5 years. She has made it clear to everyone that she is done. I just feel like she is digging her heals in and making it harder and harder to come back if she ever changes her mind.

S19 also said he did not think I could take her back after all that she has done. He told me that he is trying to stick with both of us but that WW is making it hard with her actions. He was upset that she has lied to her about OM and the reality of their relationship. I explained to him that people are able to reconcile and it happens all the time, especially when it comes to the well-being of the children.

[WhyUs]

Cadet or anyone who knows,

After all this time I still have not figured out how people are quoting small sections of other people's posts. Every time I want to quote it takes the entire poste when I really only want a sentence or two.

What is the technique used to accomplish this?

[WhyUs]

Sandi,

I have seen you write several times that an LBH of a WW needs to become a man she can respect. That makes perfect sense to me. My question is how do I do that? I don't even know if she notices anything I am doing. She has changed so much these last few months that I am not sure what she would respect or not respect. Should I go based on the types of things I know she would have respected prior to BD?

[Defacto]

WhyUs,
I can tell you are in a tough place right now and I'm sorry. In regards to becoming a man that WW respects again, I would challenge you to check your motivations. I know you've heard it before but first, you must become the man that you respect. Any changes that you make simply to influence WW will be ineffective and short term at best. What kind of man does WhyUs want to be?

[Sotto]

I agree with Defacto. It is about becoming a person you truly like and respect yourself - regardless of what your W may think. Then, she can take you or leave you. And the thing is - if you have reached a place of happiness and peace within yourself, it won't matter too much as you'll be just fine either way.

[WhyUs]

Defacto and Sotto,

I like that and agree. I think I need to self-reflect for a while and try and understand what type of man I am and what type of man I want to be. I can remember a time when I was that person, before I met WW and while I was in college. I can remember that feeling.

When we were in therapy at the beginning of all this the IC asked what attracted her to me when we first met. She said my confidence was one of the main factors. She like that I knew what I wanted out of life. She liked that I did not let others dictate my self-worth. Of course, this was a problem that she really struggled with at the time.

[Sotto]

So, maybe some goals around:

Refinding the 'you' that you have lost touch with. Are there things you used to do that you might want to reconnect with?

Rebuilding your confidence - not only to recover from BD - but also to refind your 'single groove' again after years of marriage. We all become enmeshed to an extent when we are M and it can be liberating (yes, I know none of us chose it ) to be single again.

Reconnecting with a strong sense of self worth. It is good that you had it once and you'll be able to get to that point again.

Good luck with things xx

[job]

Here is what Cadet has suggested on quoting. You may want to take a peek at Board Policies and General Info for Newcomers thread at the top of this Forum if you have any additional questions on starting new threads, linking, etc:

"Here is a useful tip on using the forum

How to quote

Simplest method to quote is to use the quote button at the bottom.

Also you can highlight what you want to quote and hit the quote button.

Next method is to copy what you want to quote and use the fifth button from the right in REPLY mode,
insert text between brackets.

Last and hardest method is to type
I have left out the trailing bracket so you can see what to type.

[quote=username]How to quote[/quote

Use the PREVIEW POST button before you hit submit so you can see what your post will look like."


Hope this helps you.

[WhyUs]

Thanks Job!

[WhyUs]

Struggling to keep my head up today. I've spent a lot of time thinking about how WW has wronged me. You can see that from my previous posts. Today I have this over whelming sense of guilt. I hate that I have been the cause for so much of this. I wish I could go back and change the things I said and did to drive WW away.

I just can't tell if what WW has said about me being a bad husband is true or not anymore. I know I was not the husband I wanted to be so how can I possibly have been the H she wanted.

I've really struggled to let WW go. I wonder if this guilt is what is holding me back. I don't want my failure as an H to be the reason for this D. Therefore I am trying everything to stop it.-- I don't know how to move through this. I just want to curl up in the bed and sleep.