A new thread for Eye-Tie

[EyeTie]

Boy I think this is totally what happened in my case. OW kept telling him "you are miserable why don't you leave". The whole time he was telling me " we are better than ever"

My WW was the same way. A month before she said she wanted a divorce we were looking at a vacation house in a different state. Her best friend was a horrible influence in our R, I know she encouraged us splitting up. I think it's common with the lbs to be so upset, because everything appears to be ok, then BOOM! Punch to the gut...

[Jpeg]

Appears to be okay? My H was telling me we were better than ever and we had already bought and spent the year renovating our retirement vacation place. Now he is having sex with OW up there

[EyeTie]

Appears to be okay? My H was telling me we were better than ever and we had already bought and spent the year renovating our retirement vacation place. Now he is having sex with OW up there

I am not sure when my WW started talking to the OM, I think it was shortly after we got back from our trip. She went out Halloween with some girlfriends and didn't come home until 3 am, I think she met him that night, although I do not believe anything happened that night, but soon after it may have.

[EyeTie]

I have been thinking a lot lately about my M and how it failed. One thing I have said here and have really realized is that I DID love my wife, I didn't love my marriage. We fought and rarely resolved anything. We didn't see eye to eye on several avenues. We didn't really get along that great. Maybe we grew a part, maybe not.

When she hit me with the divorce, I thought it was her I really wanted. As time went on, I am slowly realizing that I wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. That it wasn't so much my WW that I wanted, it was that security, that stability of knowing she was there for me. Almost like a child needs that favorite toy for comfort, that is what she was to me. Even after the affairs, the lies, the bs, I still craved her, I still felt like I needed her in my life to keep going forward. I now realize mostly, was that I was scared. That for the first time in 10 years I was alone. That I was terrified of what the future would bring. It wasn't her, it wasn't my marriage or any of it that I needed. What I needed was to conquer my fear. Getting a life really helped me, I preach about it regularly here.

I often view other members intros, sometimes I comment, sometimes I don't. I often wonder if it's their marriage they are afraid of losing or the "life" they have grown so accustomed to. If they are afraid of the future alone, like I was. If that is what is motivating them to save their marriage.

I realize my WW was a complete mess. That she was controlling. That she was/is immature. That she is self absorbed and uncaring for other people. That she is no one I want to spend the rest of my life with. That I lived walking on egg shells and worried about what might set her off next. That I held out hope that she might change (probably like she did for me) and go back to being the woman I fell in love with. But I know that her bitterness will never go away. That she will always put me low on the ladder in her life. That I was more or less someone to accompany her on the ride instead of riding alongside.

I don't know why I decided to go on this long ramble, I really just had to get this off my chest. I appreciate all of you who have commented or followed my situation. If I can help just one person get through this, then my life is complete. Be well DB'ers.

[Ancaire]

I understand the need to just spill it. This forum is such an invaluable tool! I appreciate the way you're there, providing support and guidance for others while traveling this awful path yourself.

I feel sad, though, that you've come to the realization you have. Not all threads will be success stories, but we all want ours to be one. At least you sound positive in your assessment.

My struggle is that my H was really once one of the greatest men I've ever met. Kind, gentle, strong, compassionate...where all that has gone, I can't answer. I just hope if I stand long enough and believe in him, when he's clearly moving away from whom he used to be, I will be able to guide him back to himself. Some days I doubt my strength, but I think the man I love is in there somewhere.

So for me...not really fear of being alone - Don't relish the idea, but could thrive if I had to. I really, truly miss the man I married. So feel free to give me a word of advice or a kick in the pants when I need it.

I'm grateful for you.

[JulieH]

I disagree. I think the problem is that relationships take work, they are hard. I may not have been the best husband in the world, but at the end of the day I do not think it was ever as bad as she claims it was. WAS's usually walk due to some outside encouragement. Rarely is it "I've had all I can take", reading peoples welcome threads almost always scream "WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR" and they tend to not want to believe it until things are past the breaking point.

I am so worried that you might be right. My husband is not the type and has assured me repeatedly that there is no other women. (I know that everyone says that). For me, ow is my boundary and I can guarantee that he would be dead to me. My marriage was never good enough to forgive something like that, so if I knew I would move on like you and not look back. The problem is, I don't know. He has other issues...I'm pretty sure alcoholism, and ocd and some health issues (IBS and cardiac problems). that really seems to impair his life. But then again, the signs are all there that there is something not right and maybe ow. I have no way of knowing. When I talk to him I believe him in my gut (he was always honest) but when I don't talk to him and see the signs it shows affair, although he always had weird behaviors even when we first dated due to the ocd.
Why would he just not tell me? Maybe he is devious enough to know not to rock the boat so I don't demand the financials I'm entitled to. Have you ever seen a mlc where there was no other person?

[EyeTie]

Quite a few things have been going on lately.

First and foremost, I have been beating my head against the wall trying to figure out why my WW is holding up this divorce. Found out last week it's because when we separated, we set aside 5K in an account to pay for the mediation and any other expenses. I guess only 1000 of it made it to the mediator and the rest of it was spent by my WW on who-knows-what. Since she was fired recently, money is tight on her end and she can not repay said amount. She instead things we should opt for one of those 300 dollar online divorce things, not so sure about that.

Which brings us to today. I was at our old house working on things, still trying to get it prepped to sell. She came over to help. While we were doing things, our current "relationships" were brought up. She asked about "J" and I inquired a little about here newest BF. Oddly, I wasn't jealous, upset or even emotional about it, it was almost like there has been some tension and it was relieved. We realized we needed a few things from the store and grabbed lunch together. At the hardware store, she kept putting her arm in mine, I would put my arm around her shoulder, etc. I think we just wandered around enjoying those fleeting moments. At one point I stopped her, kissed her on her forehead and then pretended to kiss her, while she turned her head laughing the whole time.

We talked about our relationship and what it was lacking. We talked about our children and their futures. We talked about ourselves without coming off being condescending. In the end, it was actually a great day. I know she was temp checking a little, but so was I. Today was one of those days which reminded me of what I loved about her. No fighting, no screaming, no accusations. Just two people enjoying one anothers company. I was almost sad to see it end.

[Shrike]

I saw several instances where you said you would go to lunch with her or dinner with kids. Was this initiated by you? What effects did it have on how you felt about things?

Did you text her often? Or was it all her?

I only ask because my ww has rarely texted And never asked to spend time together in almost 2 months.

I may be reading it wrong and you seem to have moved on, but I see hope in your wife by the way you describe your interactions. I wish I had the chance to even make the decision of denying her.

When we do talk she smiles a lot we laugh. But it always ends with her crying over why I couldn't change sooner or me not giving enough of myself to her.

[EyeTie]

Honestly, for the first few months we fought a lot. By month 5 of our separation we started to get along. We both are guarded a bit with one another, but we text almost daily now. Usually it's about the kids but sometimes it's about what is going on in life.

We were best friends for several years before we started dating. So it's hard for both of us to "detach" from that. When something good/bad happens in life we usually call the other first. Heck, when she got fired a few weeks ago she called me sobbing, I talked to her for a bit and told her I loved her. She said it back. It wasn't like "I love you. Let's get back together" more of a reminder that I do still care about her and she cares right back. Just as a couple we were not a good match in the end. We lost that spark and grew apart. It's tragic, it's sad, it does happen. Frankly, I wish I would have read DR/DB a year or two ago. It probably would have helped save my marriage.

[EyeTie]

Figured I would throw another update into the mix.

Monday, my WW, my S, my D and myself all went to my D's dance class. While my D was in class, my S was working on his homework. My WW spent the majority of the time harping on him for not doing things correctly. I finally said something which caused my WW to get up and walk away because she "couldn't stand the sight of me". All through this, a gal was sitting about 5 feet away and kept looking at me. She was cute, my age and has been there a few times. Believe me, I noticed her.

After the class was ending, my WW jumped in her car while I buckled the kids into her car. She took off without even so much as a goodbye. I walked over to my car and the blonde was buckling her daughter into her vehicle, on the way to my door she said "Hey, I am going out on a limb here...ex wife?" I just nodded and said "yup..." she followed with "I have seen you at every class, I see how you interact with your kids, you are way too good of a guy to be with that B!tch." Got in her car, smiled and left. Talk about a feather in my cap.

Later that night my WW text saying that she was 100% sure that we will never get back together. I replied "Good, I don't want you back." which did not receive a reply.

I hope all you DBers are doing well.