Six to Nine

[overcom]

I love your letter too Mahhhty... I wish you the best. You too deserve all those nice things you wished for her. Are you going to give it to her???

[Georgia Bulldogs]

It's a nice letter. I always strongly believed she was/is wayward (and OM is probably a married man since he hasn't surfaced yet). The illness actually gives me reason to suspect that a 29 year old wife MIGHT divorce for other reasons (like I don't want to live my last few years on this planet in this miserable unhappy marriage, I might take on a single life and live a little while also helping my husband move on without me).

[another side thought - I've seen several couples over the years deal with infidelity where one of the spouses had an affair with another patient being treated for the same illness. They quickly bond over the shared experience and then share way too much personal information and bang...they are "in love". Cancer and Dialysis patients that have to sit tough many hours of treatment together or participate in support groups have this happen. Again, since no OM has surfaced this far into it...IF it happened or it's happening, OM would be still married and unable or unwilling to divorce]

Anyway...IF she's wayward...this letter is nice out for her. It'll just reinforce the rationalizations and justifications she already told herself.


From a sales point of view I wonder if you haven't walked past your close. There is no call to action. There is no - "in case you haven't noticed, I've actually still willing to reconcile, I know I act like I'm moving on but I'm obviously still hopeful. It's been almost a year since you moved out and I just wanted to apologize, clean up my side of the street and let you know I did cherish what we had and wish I had done things differently. That being said, we made a great couple and we could do it again AND our kids deserve any shot we can give them towards having an intact family. Therefore, I am not begging you nor giving you any kind of ultimatum. We are divorced...I fully understand that. However, if there is ANY semblance of an opportunity to even consider discussing reconciliation of our marriage and family...speak now.. Time is of the essence.

something like that ....in your words.


Absent a call to action- you are just being nice to her and hoping she reads between the lines. A man says what he means and means what he says. If you still want to reconcile and feel you need to write this letter as a last ditch shot to get back together...then just tell her that.

[mahhhty]

Mahhhty, I love your letter. I actually learned something about my own sitch from reading it, you are a compassionate and loving man, thank you for sharing this. Are you going to give it to her?

Photoka - I'm dying to know.... please sure what did you learn? Will I give it to her... Yes. I think I will this time. Once I get it finalized.

[mahhhty]

I love your letter too Mahhhty... I wish you the best. You too deserve all those nice things you wished for her. Are you going to give it to her???

Thanks Overcom. I believe I will once I finalize it.

[mahhhty]

Bulldog - First, thanks for continuing to look in on me. Thank you! Its been a long road, but you were one of the first responders to my sitch.

It's a nice letter. I always strongly believed she was/is wayward (and OM is probably a married man since he hasn't surfaced yet). The illness actually gives me reason to suspect that a 29 year old wife MIGHT divorce for other reasons (like I don't want to live my last few years on this planet in this miserable unhappy marriage, I might take on a single life and live a little while also helping my husband move on without me).

You did always believe she had an OM. I believe in a way I have convinced myself of that as well. However, I think someone in her family would have told me by now. Which if it is true, it will be even worse for her (she is the closest with family).

Someone along the road told me a story of someone who divorced their husband, only to strengthen the bond between H and kids, before she passed of a serious illness. I've heard that story.

Anyway...IF she's wayward...this letter is nice out for her. It'll just reinforce the rationalizations and justifications she already told herself.

From a sales point of view I wonder if you haven't walked past your close. There is no call to action. There is no - "in case you haven't noticed, I've actually still willing to reconcile, I know I act like I'm moving on but I'm obviously still hopeful. It's been almost a year since you moved out and I just wanted to apologize, clean up my side of the street and let you know I did cherish what we had and wish I had done things differently. That being said, we made a great couple and we could do it again AND our kids deserve any shot we can give them towards having an intact family. Therefore, I am not begging you nor giving you any kind of ultimatum. We are divorced...I fully understand that. However, if there is ANY semblance of an opportunity to even consider discussing reconciliation of our marriage and family...speak now.. Time is of the essence. something like that ....in your words.

Absent a call to action- you are just being nice to her and hoping she reads between the lines. A man says what he means and means what he says. If you still want to reconcile and feel you need to write this letter as a last ditch shot to get back together...then just tell her that.

I agree that this letter provides her with the ammo to believe she is the victim. I also agree with the concept of a call to action, and that if it is what I want I should just say it.

I'll have to think about it. I have no idea what that would be like. I do believe our story and our children deserved us to at least attempt reconciliation. But that was a year ago now.

Thought provoking as always GB!

[asitis]

I'm not sure what you are hoping to accomplish by this letter. If it is to convince her you area better man, it likely won't work, at least at this time. If it is to clear your conscience, it may, but I don't see it improving your R. If it is heal the wounds you caused, I don't think this will do it, again at least not now.

I don't think she is ready to hear this for what it is. I think she'll see it as an attempt to manipulate or pursue, when she's told you not to. It's not that the letter or the sentiments behind them are wrong or bad. It is that she is not in a place where she is going to hear them and see them for what they are. It is one thing to want to express yourself, and another thing to do it well. Doing it well requires considering the state of the intended audience. If you get to the friendship or even piecing stage, this will be very effective. Now, I don't see it being so.

I'd stick it back in the drawer and let it age some more. It's not like it needs to be sent now. It may make you feel better to give it, but is your purpose to feel better or treat the person you still clearly love in a way that feels loving to her. I'd put my needs behind that end any day. Some day, if things truly are finished for you, you can always trot it out and give it to her, even if she won't received it any better. It just won't jeopardize your DBing then.

[Vanilla]

I wholly endorse asitis view.

I am not convinced that your W is wholly wayward, if I received this letter from my WH it would really annoy me.

I am going to ponder a little.

V

[gonegrl]

Mahhhty, I learned that I am not yet fully done with owning up to my side of the problem. I learned that I have more soul searching to do, I should be able to say (if only to myself) the things you did, the part about trivializing her perspective. I did that, I trivialized H's perspective, but in my heart I still believe his perspective was/is trivial. I know I should have listened better, I do listen better, and I validate and show outward signs of respect, but, to be honest, every time he talks about our problems I inwardly cringe at the stupidity of what he is saying. I am nowhere near as compassionate and self aware as you are. Not yet anyway.

[mahhhty]

Photoka - We can all do better, but only if we learn. My X at one point said to me, that she wished I hit her so that people could see how much pain she was in. Similarly, she believed I had an affair for 1.5 years and never said anything until after she asked for a D. I had no idea she felt those ways. I believe I did those things in the letter, whole heartedly. I also believe they are fairly common during the 7 year itch period of the marriage map, which is known for discounting your partner and placing blame. As you know it isn't how married couples deal with the good times, it is how they deal with the bad times.

V - I would love to know why you think she is not wayward. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Asitits - I've thought about your post for a long time. As an engineer, I took MWD's comment of "do what works" to heart. Letters or written correspondence has worked in the past. So that combined with a compassionate letter was my next "test."

GB - If I ever do send a letter, I will make sure it does have some call to action to it. I think that is a good point to attempt to "close" on something as a result of the letter.

She is a stubborn passive woman and she does hold grudges. In a way, I'm not sure I see this changing. We had an email exchange today, which all but solidified this and me not sending the letter. Time to put it back in the drawer.

I responded to one of her emails from a few days ago.
"24th will work. I’ve altered my schedule. And S3 is signed up for 8:30 AM on Nov 12."

Her response.
"I told you I couldn’t make the November 12th date? I would like to be there. There were other dates to pick from.'

My response.
"I didn’t remember your availability. But I do see value in getting S4 into [My Town] rather than another district, as he will be going to school there. Are you unable to alter your schedule?"

Her.
"As I wrote last week, I have an event that day and obviously cannot move it. I would like to be there, so let me know if you would like me to call and reschedule.

It is inappropriate of you to assume that they are attending [My Town]. That was not decided, please refer back to the parenting plan. If you would like to start having a conversation about this, then please let me know and can we can sit down to discuss."

Me.
"I’m sorry about the time of the appointment. The email was almost 2 weeks old. My attention span is not that long. That is my fault. I can set up the appointment for the 27th at the [Another School], what times will work for you? As you will have the kids.

I’m glad you brought this up. So far our coparenting style has been reactive. As such, D4 has missed out on the art classes and soccer this year. If we are going to do the best for our children, I think we need to step up, put our issues aside and put them first. I know we are doing our best independently, but I think we can do better for them. I’m not sure how we get there, and I believe it will take time. But I am ready and willing. "

I thought my last response was good. Kicking down the door, trying to put the kids first. Not casting blame on her but on us. But no response... Response time went from 10 min to not at all.

Furthermore, she won't be coming to pick up tomorrow AM per the parenting plan. This is the second time she has not complied with the plan, maybe third. She hangs on family to pick up the pieces of the mess she contributed to. I struggle with a person that hangs the parenting plan over my head, but doesn't follow it herself.

Like this wasn't enough. The Transplant Program Application came today. Talk about a lot to wrap my head around.

[PigPen]

I don't have a lot of wisdom to contribute Mahhhty, V and Asitis are my go to's around here.

However, I did learn a lot from reading your letter as well. The part about owning your own feelings was important to read. The letter also upset me as I felt for you and saw a lot of my own feelings in it. It was moving and that's important for whenever the right time to have it read by your W presents itself.

I'm sending you strength, and though how you asked the two of you to step up together to be powerful. Keep putting you best foot forward, it sounds very frustrating to try to coordinate and run things smoothly with your XW.

Big hug,

PP