Hi! I'm okay...just have had so much to do the last couple of days I haven't had time to come check in. Tomorrow will likely be the same, but after that maybe I can breathe a little. I've been applying for jobs, scrubbing the house, keeping up with the 1001 things that happen on a daily basis.
I'm not feeling too well, which has me concerned. I'm all full of fluid - gained 10 pounds in 3 days, which should be impossible, unless circulation is poor. My skin hurts, all puffed out like it is. I'll see how tomorrow goes. This happens sometimes and usually resolves on its own, but it makes me feel exhausted.
H has been trying to contact me, but he's in a poor service area. The times he's been able to get a signal, I've been busy and didn't hear my phone. He should be home tomorrow. I'm really sad I keep missing him, since he made the effort to call and check in.
I've been reading DR again, and am starting fresh, with a beginner's mind. Since our situation has changed somewhat, I need to apply DB actions and take note of what gets the best results day to day. I don't trust H one bit, and need to find a way to manage that on my own.
My goal is to have a better marriage than we had before. I'm getting stronger and more independent, which is creating a new dynamic. I absolutely do not want to be controlled or manipulated, but H has been doing it for so long, it's kind of natural for him. I need to figure out a way to bring it to his attention when he starts without showing that I'm irritated. THAT is a challenge!
Continuing to work on being the best "me" I can be. I backslid a bit, but I'm back on track again. I'm really pleased, on a personal level, with the direction I'm going. I feel like for the first time in years, I'm really living. There's something I want to accomplish each day.
Thanks for checking in, my dear friends. I should be back to my usually chatty self in a few days.
Wishing you the best. Seems you are on the right track, pace yourself. Take care of your health! Can't get a new job, or DB if you are in the hospital.
Good luck Judy, we are pulling for you!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Hi all! Finally slowing down a bit. I was not well for a bit, but as usual so far, the situation resolved on its own. Just reinforced my current goal to get myself to being as physically healthy as I can be. Need to rewrite my actions to achieve my goal. I may start posting and updating those on my thread...not sure yet.
As far as H and I, the situation is strained. He's been out of town all week, and I've been as chipper as I can be when he calls, but everything is just surface talk. Today, we had a talk that went a bit deeper, but I cut it off. He admitted he still speaks with his "friend", but that's it. Talking. To the same woman who helped him decide we should get D. Dropping it for now, and waiting for MC. He says I'm misunderstanding the situation. I asked him to clear it up for me, and he said he would on Sunday when he's home.
I told him I would make a list of alarming statements he's made, and we could discuss what he feels comfortable discussing, and wait for MC on topics that he wants to wait on. Appointment isn't until end of October, so that's going to be a long wait.
He also informed me that there is a pool tournament on the same weekend we're to attend Retrouaville...nothing like having your priorities in order! He did say today he doesn't have to play in tournament, so another topic for Sunday.
I just feel like he's doing all this "working on it" in order to tell kids he tried. I don't sense any real commitment. It's probably too soon to tell, in any case. We really both screwed up this M. I don't feel any "in love" feelings for him, either, at this point. I'm in it for our family. Have to keep reminding myself of that...I'd selfishly rather take the money and run! LOL
I have to keep rereading DR, or I forget what I'm supposed to be doing. We're not really piecing yet...more like a temporary truce. I hate this! I want to be loved and appreciated. I know things take TIME, it's just hard to remember that in the moment. It would be so much easier to find someone new....that's the temptation. But then I think of our children, and how sad they are, and I am reminded to soldier on.
What a mess!
Back to the last of the house scrubbing and looking for a job.
You got this Judy. But, it's up to you if you want the R or not. Don't do it because you feel pressured. Do it because you want to, and it makes you happy.
Your a great person, and deserve happiness. Never forget that
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
D - It's got so much to do with my beliefs. I believe when we brought children into this world, we made an unspoken commitment to keep their family together. My parents D when I was an adult, after they'd been married 34 years! My dad had moved on to someone else. That pain, from the D, lives in me today. I would never willingly cause my children the same pain. I thought H felt the same way, but he was willing to leave me and move on.
We haven't said anything about working on it to the kids, in case we can't fix it, so they are still in a lot of pain. I truly resent H for that. How could he?
I'm putting pressure on myself because, darn it, it matters! Every holiday screwed up, family history buried, and faith in marriage destroyed for the kids. I just adamantly do not want to be the cause of this. I know you feel the same, from things you've said.
I know I once loved my H with all I had (hard to remember, now.) Wiser people than I have said R' s can be repaired...I'm really hoping it's true. All the "me" work has certainly been very helpful on a personal level. I guess maybe I'm burned out and tired of it all at the moment.
You do need to let go and let be for a while, you are trying to do too much, too quickly and that can mean you end up doing nothing of any consequence or even create damage.
Chill and be at peace with yourself, even if it's only for five minutes.
Does that feel better?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
