Dealing with WW, Kids, and Divorce

[Drew]

Do it now.

[WhyUs]

I am not sure if I should expose to her family that WW traveled to see OM and things have most likely turned physical. She had her mother and me keep the kids. I find it hard to beleive that they are aware of how serious the A is. She has convinced them that she is just friends with this guy. She carries a lot of anxiety about the approval of her parents, I doubf she would tell them what she is up to. So:

Possible positives:
1) her family sees she has been lying and they start treating her as though she is. Perhaps a wake up call to bring ber out of fog.
2) her family stops treating me like I am the bad one. Starts suggesting to WW to allow me to have kids more often. They treat me nicer and encourage WW to reconcile.

Possible Negatives:

1) her family already knows and does not care. They are annoyed that I tracked her.
2). WW doubles down against everyone.
3) WW sees it as violation of privacy. Hates me more.
4). WW finds out how I found out and I wont be able to track her again.
5) may be best to hold my cards close to my chest for the court battle.
6). She will think I have not detached and will see this as pursuing.

All of these are pure speculation. I'm not sure there is a way to know what will really happen. Does the risk out weigh the benefit? Would love to here thoughts on this.

[NDY]

Hi whyus

There is a vet on her whom I highly regard called Georgia Bulldog. He has a little more of an aggressive view on DB than some of the others. I'd like to suggest you politely ask for his assistance. His last post was on Defacto's thread. I think he can help you.

[WhyUs]

Thanks I will try to reach out to him.

[Drew]

You are entirely way too focused on her.

Focus on you and your kids. And things under your control.

[Drew]

In your other thread you said confidence drives attractiveness.

WW, thank you for allowing the kids to spend the night with me last night. I think it was very healthy for them to spend that time with me. In the future I would love to have them the entire time you are out of town like you were this weekend. Currently, they are spending more time with their grand parents than their own father. This concerns me. It is important that they understand that I am still just as important to them as I was before this all started. They need to know they can rely on me and that I am their primary care taker when you are not a a available to them. Their relationship with me is very important to their developement. Please take this into consideration the next time you go out of town and need someone to watch the kids.

Does this sound very confident to you?

[fade]

The fact that your lawyer is not all over this is very disappointing and does not bode well for you receiving good representation.

You should have right of first refusal explicitly stated in a custody order. Even without RFR in the order, there is no reason why the grandparents should have them and not you. In every jurisdiction I am aware of, unless there is some sort of restraining order then there is no reason you shouldn't be able to go collect your kids from their grandparents if your wife is not with them. Your inlaws are not the parent, and do not have custody, even partial. You do.

I would suggest you go right now to visit the grandparents, calmly tell them the truth that their mother is with her boyfriend and that you are going to watch your own children because she apparently doesn't want to.

I think your fear of telling the truth about your situation is unfounded. You need to fight back because you are letting her create precedent, and that is 90% of the battle. You need to put pressure on her - dont keep her secret about the affair, dont let her win support by pinning this on you, dont thank her for allowing you to see your own kids, and find a lawyer who will fight for modifications to the custody order. You have a lot of ammo if you move fast - her leaving the kids for days for an affair, her violations of RFR, her blocking their participation in sports, and she left the family home.

[Painter]

The fact that your lawyer is not all over this is very disappointing and does not bode well for you receiving good representation.

You should have right of first refusal explicitly stated in a custody order. Even without RFR in the order, there is no reason why the grandparents should have them and not you. In every jurisdiction I am aware of, unless there is some sort of restraining order then there is no reason you shouldn't be able to go collect your kids from their grandparents if your wife is not with them. Your inlaws are not the parent, and do not have custody, even partial. You do.

I would suggest you go right now to visit the grandparents, calmly tell them the truth that their mother is with her boyfriend and that you are going to watch your own children because she apparently doesn't want to.

I think your fear of telling the truth about your situation is unfounded. You need to fight back because you are letting her create precedent, and that is 90% of the battle. You need to put pressure on her - dont keep her secret about the affair, dont let her win support by pinning this on you, dont thank her for allowing you to see your own kids, and find a lawyer who will fight for modifications to the custody order. You have a lot of ammo if you move fast - her leaving the kids for days for an affair, her violations of RFR, her blocking their participation in sports, and she left the family home.

Totally agree.

You can contact fathers' rights organizations to get recommendations for L in your area.

I would also add - document everything. Create a binder that shows how she interferes with your relationship with the children and frustrates your efforts to bond with them (for instance through sports).

You can also ask the court for mandatory co-parenting classes for both parties, and offer to pay for them if you want to make sure you get it.

[raliced]

Hi WhyUs-

I haven't posted on your thread before but I saw that my friend Sunny B was giving you advice - so I read through your last few pages and thought I would drop in my 2 cents.

Regarding the extracurricular activities, FWIW, I had this issue explicitly addressed in our custody agreement - "The custody arrangement shall not interfere in the children's opportunities to engage in extracurricular activities". Granted, every state is different - but it's hard for me to think that a judge wouldn't view this type of arrangement as in the best interests of the kids and it is pretty hard to argue against. So - I just want to let you know that it is possible (In fairness - my STBX has never had a problem with it or the fact that I coach most of my daughters activities).

Mostly I wanted to comment on this ......

I am not sure if I should expose to her family that WW traveled to see OM and things have most likely turned physical. She had her mother and me keep the kids. I find it hard to beleive that they are aware of how serious the A is. She has convinced them that she is just friends with this guy. She carries a lot of anxiety about the approval of her parents, I doubf she would tell them what she is up to. So:

Possible positives:
1) her family sees she has been lying and they start treating her as though she is. Perhaps a wake up call to bring ber out of fog.
2) her family stops treating me like I am the bad one. Starts suggesting to WW to allow me to have kids more often. They treat me nicer and encourage WW to reconcile.

Possible Negatives:

1) her family already knows and does not care. They are annoyed that I tracked her.
2). WW doubles down against everyone.
3) WW sees it as violation of privacy. Hates me more.
4). WW finds out how I found out and I wont be able to track her again.
5) may be best to hold my cards close to my chest for the court battle.
6). She will think I have not detached and will see this as pursuing.

All of these are pure speculation. I'm not sure there is a way to know what will really happen. Does the risk out weigh the benefit? Would love to here thoughts on this.

A lot of this post is about how telling her parents might affect your WW. I would encourage you to reframe this. As much as possible I would work on developing your own positive relationship with them regardless of the outcome with WW (and if that entails enlightening them about some of the reality of the situation so be it). There is no downside to trying to establish a warmer relationship with your in-laws. My sitch is different because STBX called them on the day of BD and told them that he was having an affair and filing for divorce, but the same principle applies.

I've actively kept communication open with them (in the beginning they spoke with me more than they did with him). I facilitate the kids communication with them by setting up Facetime calls, etc. I send them copies of pictures and remember birthdays and anniversaries just as I have always done. I go out of my way to avoid bad mouthing their son, although we do speak factually about the situation. Honestly, I'm closer to them now than before the marriage and that has reaped all kinds of benefits. While I didn't intend it that way, I suspect it was a factor in STBX and his OW breaking up. More importantly its been great for the kids to at least partially avoid a situation where it becomes "my side of the family" versus "his side of the family" (he avoids mine like the plague).

This summer - my D7 asked what relation her grandma was to me now while we were all in the same room together and I said "she will always be your grandmother and that makes her family". It was a good moment.

And go after that right of first refusal - again that is something that should seem entirely reasonable to most judges.

Good Luck.

[NDY]

I have to say this is why I was confused. Here, unless there are mitigating circumstances first refusal falls to the other parent. Extended family don't have a say in the matter. But not being state side I'll bow to the superior advice above. But I'd sack that L if I were you. Or put a fire cracker up his unmentionables.