R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Roiste and EM thanks for the support. In this stage of my evolution I just got tired of waiting for her to change her behavior.
Sure I get sad, feel lonely but I am a multi function tool. I can feel those emotions and go on with my life. If I can help it I will not dwell in despair.
I'm going to bed I've got a lot of life to eat tomorrow. Be well
Roiste and EM thanks for the support. In this stage of my evolution I just got tired of waiting for her to change her behavior.
Sure I get sad, feel lonely but I am a multi function tool. I can feel those emotions and go on with my life. If I can help it I will not dwell in despair.
I'm going to bed I've got a lot of life to eat tomorrow. Be well
My DB Coach reminded me to focus on how good I was DBing and not on how W reacts or acts, as you get sucked in to interpreting their behavior too much. For instance, you being different and attractive and not doing what they expect leads to provocation on their part. They want you to play the role they've assigned you, want you to be the one they can blame for the D, and get angry and scared that they are drawn in by you, doubt they can trust you, etc. The point is that you just won't know if there is progress until much later.
In group therapy there are general stages, and they fit with couples to some extent. One of the earlier stages is called "Storming." This looks like conflict, but it is also a stage of feeling each other out, testing to see if you care and are trustworthy enough to allow oneself to take a risk and become vulnerable, and to establish the place in the relationship. It is critical to listen, validate, and respond constructively rather than react. What is important is to recognize that what looks like conflict and tension can actually be a sign of progress. You just won't know until later.
Hence the advice my DB coach had about keep my focus on who good a job I'm doing DBing and allow my W to work out her own sh*t through the interpersonal connection.
When you should get really concerned is if you aren't getting any reaction - that signals they have moved on. Anger, esp. when it is over something an objective observer would judge as positive, means they are still not done w/ you. Warning you off can be the same kind of thing. I'm scared because you are acting in a way that I like.
So, multi-task away. Live your life, keep DBing, and let your W do what she is going to do for the time being without getting yourself too stirred up about judging what that says about your R possibilities.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
