Az is absolutely right. This is where your L come in, not us.
My attitude is against going dark when there are kids. It is just not sustainable.
If there is an A, then you aren't at your last resort, now are you? We know that the overwhelming majority of these need to play out (as they will fail) before any progress can take place. It may be after the D takes place because S pushes ahead. But that is just a cost that you will be glad to pay if you have to go through it and then reconcile.
I also tend to see this as a time to step back and take in the big picture. We often get overly focused on our Ss,and fail to really look at the whole family situation in the long-term. What is best for the kids? What will facilitate making a healthy workable R w/ your future XW given that you've got decades together because of the kids? On the one hand it is a business deal. On the other, it impacts your future, esp. vis-a-vis your kids. I know what wins in that conflict. "Dad, you were really good to mom when she wasn't very nice to you," goes a very long way in my book.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I guess a little more info is necessary. My L stated that it will affect if there was something. That is if we go down the road of ha I got status hash things out. As of right now we are trying to do this on our own. I consulted a L because I did not want my emotions making a bad decision. I am waiting for wife to respond to the amounts I have offered to pay and then determine if we will still be able to work through this ourselves. If she pushes for a fight then I will probably try to discover if and A is in place. I do still have the desire to make sure she is ok though also. Tough place to be in.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
man, i ma having one of those really bad days today. She went to real estate office and was filling out paperwork thi morning.
After our conversations yesterday about the separation agreement and everything i felt like i needed to say a few things to her. I have really been trying to let god take over things in my life and felt i needed to make good with her, at least in my own mind. I called her and let her know that although i do not feel that we are at this point as all my fault that i have been thinking about how she must have felt for so long to get her to this point. I told her i was sorry for playing a part in that and it really bothers me knowing she must have hurt for so long. I also told her that moving forward i am going to be as fair as i can and not be petty. I will make sure that me providing for the kids is not affected and if i am able to help more for her i would because i want to kow she is able to provide for them as much as possible also.
Should i have done this? I dont know, but at the time i felt i had to. I wanted to show unconditional love without trying to pursue her. I dont know what i accomplished, but i did feel a little better. She told me thank you and it really means a lot to her. there was no counter apology for anything but i wasnt really looking for one.
i am trying to figure out how to get positive today.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
otw, I see you are in VA. My friend is going through a D right now in VA. She was told by her lawyer that to prove an A is very hard, it requires hard proof, such as an actual photo or video of a sexual act. Restaurant receipts, even hotel receipts, are not hard proof. Her lawyer advised her against pursuing that avenue. For what its worth, I am not a lawyer but I was surprised when she told me this. You should talk to a L to be sure.
After our conversations yesterday about the separation agreement and everything i felt like i needed to say a few things to her. Before reading more, I hate that you wrote "I felt like..." and let that control your actions. Doing something because you feel happy or sad or empowered or lonely or rejected or horny or whatever, is usually a recipe for regrets when your feelings change. In my opinion, there is no rush to really anything thats going on here, so anytime Im deciding on something important or on some interaction, I wait a little while to really decide if it is pushing me toward my goals.
Looking back, do you still think this was a necessary conversation? A helpful one?
I have really been trying to let god take over things in my life and felt i needed to make good with her, at least in my own mind. I called her and let her know that although i do not feel that we are at this point as all my fault that i have been thinking about how she must have felt for so long to get her to this point. I told her i was sorry for playing a part in that and it really bothers me knowing she must have hurt for so long. I think one sincere, meaningful apology is not a bad thing, but I feel that you were too general here, and that it wont be taken seriously or have the effect you are looking for/hoping for/I dont know. Its good to be empathetic, but I think that coming out of nowhere like this sounds more like patronizing than empathizing. But thats just my opinion.
I also told her that moving forward i am going to be as fair as i can and not be petty. I will make sure that me providing for the kids is not affected and if i am able to help more for her i would because i want to kow she is able to provide for them as much as possible also. Unfortunately, I dont like this. Youre going to be fair, by whose rules? yours? hers? I would try to avoid discussing the future too much. What if she told you right now that she is sleeping with OM? Now, how fair are you going to be once all that hurt comes into play? What if she changes her mind to fight for custody? There are so many variables in play, that I dont think it's wise to make grand statements.
I think you are saying this expecting her to do the same. Time will tell if she is. Even if she agrees now, doesnt mean it will always be that way.
Just my thoughts. Others may disagree with me. Regardless, whats done is done, so keep moving forward.
Phot Thanks for the thoughts. I have spoke with a batty regarding and she has given me a little bit of knowledge stating it is a good negotiation tool
Azz As usual you give me another view of things. I hear your thoughts and maybe do regret the conversation. I had a moment of weakness. I do feel I came across ok and I think I was heard. Could be wrong. I do thank you for your thoughts. I do want to do the best I can. Believe me there was a lot more I wanted to go into but I know it would not have benefited me. I am open to advice for moving forward with the move coming up and what to help with or not. I don't know how to communicate with her then. Living together we have to speak daily about kids and logistics. What do I do when we don't have to?
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I am really interested to get some thoughts on how to move forward with lrt when she moves. Do I go as dark as possible with dealing with the kids?
I believe the sooner she has a more realistic view of her life without you in it, the better. As long as you play the friend, handyman, escort, babysitter, etc., the longer it will take her to see. That's one reason to make yourself unavailable to her. Some women are so use to their H's being there for whatever they need, they think it will continue after the D. They need a reality shock.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
