Glad to see you have a good vet in your corner now
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
For Sandi, I have read and know that GAL is important and something I need to do but it is also where I am most troubled. Before the BD I had too much going on, work, commute, house upkeep kids so much so that I needed an outlet. I found it in sports and in the beginning it wasn’t too bad but over the past 10 yrs it progressed into an addiction where I needed it to cope with all the other stresses in life. Little did I realize it was really the sport taking so much of my time that was upping the stress in the other parts of my life. I couldn’t give it up because I felt I needed to get away.
Now when I try to GAL all I think of is the time I spent away and how this is more of the same.
Some things I have done Went back to school. It will take some time but in about a year and a half I should have my skills back up to where they need to be that I can get a job closer to home or be in a position to work from home. During class is great it occupies my time and mind and find it very enjoyable. Homework on the other hand is hard as trying to find time away to get it done while still getting things done around the house. Also find that I do not stay focused and will start to wander and wish that I had my old life back.
Spend more time with my kids especially the youngest.
Working out in the gym. Running when I can keep from injuring myself. Can’t quite get the start slow concept down.
Still one of the hardest things for me is the commute. At over an hour each way it is just too much alone time and my mind wanders. It is probably the biggest change I need to make but is at least a year or more off before that can happen.
Sandi, Here is more. What did she tell me – Well, she has never said she wants a divorce only a trial separation that was a year ago. She never said I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I told her that she didn’t love me anymore in the heat of an argument that dropped the bomb, she agreed but was not the one to initiate it. Since then she has said she is not passionately in love with me. I don’t know if makes a difference but that is how it was said.
Reasons never gave any specific only that she couldn’t take it anymore. Which would lead me to make some assumptions, my actions or lack thereof. Not enough help around the house (I did very little inside house work), my stupidity with stonewalling and saying I’m going to leave to try to get here to come towards me, not helping with the kids school work.
Changes in her– She started working out almost 4yrs ago with a friend from work, had some work done. Is more concerned about finances now, seems to be trying to do everything herself. She does not go out in the evenings or anything like that. She will occasionally go do stuff with some work friends but even that will get put off if there is something that involves the kids. (Like their home work didn't get done) Sometimes it will be because the house isn't clean
ADD – Yea I’ve often wondered if I am. Seems to be somewhat of a consistency in our kids with some attention in schools and stuff. I do feel a lack of being able to focus especially now but don’t know.
Change the dynamics I started helping with the school work and trying to be more involved with the school. This has led to some disagreement s and disbelief and in some cases I have backed off where I should have held my ground. This is one area I am not consistent enough in. We have been working on the house but it came to pretty much a stand still around the beginning of summer. A lot of it is time but the other is I am waiting for a decision on she wants. I need to take a more active role here and give choices so that it can get done. Went back to school as much for her as for me. It was a promise I made before we were married to get through college. Now I need it to get closer to home no matter which way this ends up. Have started doing more house work. Have started cooking more again, but it seems no one is around to eat and they all want something different.
I am not doubting my W on what I said or didn’t say. There seems to be a lot of things I do not remember. It seems that short term is especially bad and has been for quite a while. I can be upstairs at a meeting at work and by the time I get to my office downstairs with no one interrupting me my thought are lost.
I guess I look at it from her perspective and that I didn’t do so much of it before and now it looks fake.
Since then she has said she is not passionately in love with me. I don’t know if makes a difference but that is how it was said.
Yes, it makes a difference. She can love a relative or good friend. She can only be in love with one man at a time. Those in-love feelings is what she's calling "passionate". How was the sex? Who initiated? How did she kiss you? Are you having sex now, or has it completely shut down?
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Not enough help around the house (I did very little inside house work),
Are these your assumptions? I don't understand why men want to believe housework will save their MR. I see it all the time here on the board. Something is either very wrong with this younger generation of women.....or the men have been led to believe what women's lib threw at them. IDK, maybe it's both. However, there is something that hasn't changed.....and that's what makes a woman tick.
If a woman is attracted and feeling in love with her H, she isn't going to leave the M due to him not helping the kids with homework or him not doing housework. My H never.....ever helped one of our kids with homework! The only time he cooked or did any kind of housework was when I was in bed sick. I had an affair. Guess how much was due to him not working around the house or helping with school work? Zero!
We hear of women throwing those false excuses around when they are displeased with how things are going, before the bomb drop. However, when it comes to her actually walking away from the M, mostly they use this excuse when they are covering the real reason they want out. If that's the best excuse a wife can give, then the H must be a pretty good guy! You have brought up about the housework, cooking, and school homework....although she hasn't said that was her reason.
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She will occasionally go do stuff with some work friends but even that will get put off if there is something that involves the kids. (Like their home work didn't get done) Sometimes it will be because the house isn't clean
Let me ask something. Did she complain about not getting to go out or do stuff b/c of the house not being clean....or the homework not done? Was that her way of letting you know that YOU had not done all of it, and now SHE couldn't leave to do what she wanted?
No more cooking and housework, trying to save the M. Okay?
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Change the dynamics I started helping with the school work and trying to be more involved with the school. This has led to some disagreement s and disbelief and in some cases I have backed off where I should have held my ground. This is one area I am not consistent enough in.
JMHO, but I don't necessarily see helping the kids with homework and being more involved with school as being a dynamics changer. Others may disagree. To me, it's more about your interrelationship with her. I realize that the things you've mentioned can have a snowball effect on a MR. Personally, I would not think it would be top priority in saving a M, at this point. I just don't see a M breaking, or being saved, based on school homework. You can do it to help your kids, but not to please her.
So, to get away from the homework, can you tell me what kind of relationship you and W had when you were first married? Which one was the pleaser? Which one was the giver and which the taker in the relationship? Did she dish it out and you took it, or the other way around? Which one worked on the MR harder? Who made plans and wanted to do special things to celebrate? Who was the romantic one? Who was the peacemaker? Who would apologize first? It's more along these lines we need to know, to give us a better picture of the MR.
What do you do to get a life? How often? Have you started doing any new things? How much does all the "work" burden you down?
BTW, do you work outside of the home, or are you a SAHD?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The sex was good but infrequent. Up until the end it was almost exclusively initiated by me but just three weeks before the BD she was asking me. I think she was really trying but what I was not doing was too much. Kissing I hate to say was almost only during sex and not always. None since 3 weeks before BD
She did say I never helped around the house for years. Would complain about it not getting enough help. She also works full time in a high stress job that puts people’s lives on the line. I don’t believe that house work will save my marriage just maybe help lower her stress level. I don’t think she was throwing around excuses but more trying to get me involved with the kids, that was the most important thing to her. I will say that looking back I always had an excuse to not get involved work, sports, yardwork, never coached any of my kid’s teams. I don’t think I am a pretty good guy, I know better and neglected the things that meant most to me mostly due to inaction. If I was unsure I would delay or put off and hope it went away or someone else took it over.
What she complained about was when she started going out with her friends from work I always complained about not getting to go. I don’t think it is a case of her not being able to leave and do what she wanted. She will spend the first part of almost every day off cleaning the house, she really wants it spotless or she feel no one can come over. All of her friends have immaculate houses with beautiful landscaping and ours is not. I used to keep it up but then I stopped doing little things and it got out of control.
Actually helping with the homework has been the catalyst I needed all along to forge that relationship with our kids that just happens. She has always had it and I always wondered how it came so easily.
When we were first married I wish I could remember. Those along with others just seem to be missing and hurt the most. I am not sure what you mean by the pleaser, the giver would have been her and I would take everything. I would say she worked on the MR harder. I would always want to do special things but would not plan more I would want it to just happen. She is definitely the peacemaker but I was always the one to say I’m sorry not necessarily her. She probably said it thru her actions it was just not what I was looking for and would miss it.
Went back to school 2 night a week Go to the gym 3-5 days a week Started running Have a weekly event for my son and I.
How much does the work burden me? My job quite a bit. I have a new project that is going to take an enormous amount of time both inside the job and outside at home. A lot of reading and configuring learning new materials. When finished it will be good but the stress is very high. No I work 5 days a week with a commute that needs to change. Hour plus in ea direction longer on Fridays.
Just a question to the vets. Can I say to her that I get to decide when its over or do I just keep to myself? If to myself I really need to have someone to talk to.
Keep it to your self. You do not need to tell her you thoughts on the M right now. Also, that comes across as being controlling. A rule of thumb that I am starting to use is if I am not sure (I have to ask)then it probably is not a good idea to say it. You will see people saying STFU.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Thanks, I really stepped in it today. Should have told her last week about a contractor I had contacted about some repairs but didnt get a chance. She then contacted a different person at the place and scheduled them to come out. Well tje other person there must have said they were waiting for a response from me and cancelled the appt she made for today.
[quote]Today for example I brought up the R even tho I knew I shouldn't and got exactly what I knew was coming. Just a steel cold stare. I told her it was not what I wanted and she just looked at me and said you said this was the only way you would stay. quote]
after sleeping on it and thinking back I still am not sure what I agreed to but I remember we were talking and she was saying that she knew I wanted a romantic relationship and that she did not. When she said that I kind of just shut down and tried to end the conversation as quickly as I could. She might have even said something about separating and I said no and just agreed to live like that. It is not what I wanted but I didn't stand up for myself.
