Parents: help me parenting while separated (2)

[SunnyB]

I feel ashamed for the question I asked yesterday about if I should sit next to my STBXW or not during kids' events.
Am I nuts or what?
If she does not object, why not?
If I want to get my W back, why not to act in a more than friendly way?

Ripe, it's time to forget your W and focus on your kids. The question should be, is sitting with your W going to be better for the kids, not will it get her back. She's gone, she fired you, let her go. I'm not saying you shouldn't have hope, that you shouldn't continue to make yourself into a man only a fool would leave, but I'm saying quit analyzing every action into the will it win her back or not category. Your kids need you now more than ever, focus on what makes you a better dad.

In my opinion, yes, being friendly with your W makes you a better dad, you don't have to be best friends, you do need to get along, especially in front of the kids.

In my opinion, yes, sitting together at kid events shows them you are both still their parents, that you both still love and support them. But if you can't manage to sit with her and be civil, then just being there is better than not.

I also urge you to drop the mindset of the "noncustodial parent", you are setting yourself up to play the victim. In my state, there is no concept of "custody", it's "shared parenting" instead. Unless there is a really good reason(mental illness, abuse, etc.), both parents are responsible for decision making and both spend time with the children. I understand you probably don't live in a place where that applies, but you can have that mindset anyway.

What's your timesharing plan? Have you and W talked about who makes the decisions for the children, who takes them to the doctor, who stays with them when they are sick? Get on board with your new reality and figure out how to stay involved in their lives.

I know it's not easy, Ripe. But you don't need to figure out how to "deal with" your kids. Be their dad.

[Ripe]

SunnyB,
Thank you so much for your opinion.
I can see distinctly now and I will put your advise to good use.
But don't rest much. I will have lots of other doubts and questions to ask .
It is so strange that when I read others sitches I can understand what is going on but when it comes to mine I cannot see clearly.

STBXW and I are having the kids every other weekend.
Plus, I will have the kids with me two nights a week and will take them to school the next morning.
The kids are just fine. School performance has not been affected and with us they act normal.
Maybe because we such good parents and, apart from having grown apart, we have never treated each other disrespectfully.

[Ripe]

This was an interesting weekend.
STBXW and I agreed that the kids would spend Friday night until Sunday morning with me and then I would take them to their new house.
Kids and I had lots of fun together, went for a bicycle ride with their little friends and to the mass Saturday evening.
Kids were so enjoying so much their friends that they asked me to sleep with them in the landlord's flat.
STBXW was already very sick with a strong cold on Friday and got worse on Saturday. Stayed all day long in bed and did not eat anything.
I decided to prepare her a traditional soup, which I did Saturday night.
Sunday morning, this morning, I called her and asked at what time should I take her the kids. She said they should stay with me because she was so sick and would stay in bed.
I made some phone calls, drove her to the doctor and then to her place. Gave her the soup. She thanked me.
I did all this not expecting anything. She was in distress and I helped her the best I could. I left her at her place as soon as she stepped out of the car.

Because we decided the kids would stay Sunday night with me we had to go their new flat to get their school backpacks.
I hate this division between two houses, it's so inconvenient, but I guess we will get used to it.

[SunnyB]

Ripe, glad to hear your kids are doing well. That's by far the most important thing here.

Keep an eye on them, though. They all process in their own way and on their own schedule. My STBX moved out 11 months ago. Just last week D12 had a meltdown because she missed him. Mind you, she sees him all the time, she spends the night at his place, he takes her to school often, he comes to her games. But she just missed him, she had very specific memories of things he used to do that don't happen anymore because he doesn't live here. And as she cried, I couldn't do anything except hold her and be there for her. It was heartbreaking. Point is, things may come out at unexpected times with your kids, and there are things you can't fix. But you can be there for them, and I know you are - good job.

[Ripe]

Yes, SunnyB, I will keep an eye on my kids.
Thank you so much for your input.

Yesterday, Monday, STBXW was still weak so she asked me once again to take care of the kids, which I happily did.
Today she is better so they are staying with her.
On Friday the kids and I are going for a long weekend.
Because for the last two weekends I stayed with the kids (this last Sunday and Monday only because STBXW was sick) STBXW asked me if she could stay with the kids until Friday.
S9 asked told me he wants to sleep at my place tomorrow, as it had been agreed previously with STBXW.
What should I do?
Of course I would like to be with my kids everyday, but I am somehow sensible to their mother's request.
But I also think this compensation thing is not very productive.
Not the kind of compensation like "you stayed xx days with the kids, now it's my turn to have them xx days".
But the one that my STBXW is feeling: being sick she could not have the kids so she must compensate for the lost time.

[SunnyB]

Ripe, my opinion is that you should allow STBXW to have the "make up" day. It's not her fault she was sick (you handled that whole thing nicely, BTW), and she does need time with the kids. I would also gently make sure that S9 knows you while you want to hear and value his opinion, the two adults will make the final decision, and this time there was a good reason for the change.

Child sharing is one of the things STBX and I do pretty well. We have a schedule (he gets 5 of 14 overnights), and we are both flexible with it when needed. If he has business travel on one of his nights, I always take D12, and I always offer him a make up day. Sometimes he takes it, sometimes he doesn't. Last week he had to miss a day, he declined a make up day, so I invited him to dinner Sunday night so he could spend time with her. It works for us.

[Ripe]

As one of my GAL plans, on Friday I came with my kids to a neighbour country for a long weekend.
This morning I took them to the zoo and they loved it.
After lunch we came to the hotel to take a nap.
Half an hour later i was awaken by some heavy breathing noises my S9 was doing. I went to his bed and he had his eyes open and rolled upwards. I tried to wake him up and could not.
Shouted for help and called an ambulance.
At the hospital the doctor said S9 had a kind of eppileptic seasure, but only an EEG to be done will determine it.
After the hospital we was his self again.
Now he is sleeping like an angel by my side.
And I am afraid to go to sleep.
I ask for your prayers.

[Fogg]

Sending prayers ripe, I hope everything is ok. I understand the intense panic a parent goes through watching their child have a serious medical emergency so I feel for you.

[SunnyB]

Ripe, I'm so sorry this has happened and that it has happened now. My daughter has an autoimmune disease that puts her in danger every day. Prayers headed your way.

[Sotto]

Ripe, I'm so sorry to hear this - that must have been a frightening experience for you. He is in the best hands and the experts will find out what is going on and how it can be treated. I hope he is recovering well and my very best wishes to you both xx