Confused Newbie 3

[dday]

I am at our house, moving some more of my stuff. W isn't here. I am taking half of the freezer meat, a freezer, half of our canned veggies (we do/did our own), and some more of my tools from the garage.

It's another step, and I am not crying. I am somewhat angry. But, it's all on her now. Maybe my taking my things will wake her up... probably not. Either way, the boys will have food when they come over. Selfishly, it makes me hopeful that when she sees there isn't as much food left as she thought, and she has to buy meat at the store... it may enlighten her as to the future a bit.

My den is still completely empty, and she took my books off the bookshelf, yet left all of our pics up. Even the dating ones.

Question: how do you act happy, vague, and keep it short all at the same time when talking to them?

[sandi2]

You may have noticed that whenever attending some event, the WW seems to think you should continue to escort her or sit by her. Some LBH'S really buy into it and think that's some kind of "sign". It is not a sign. It is not her being interested or anything, other than her not wanting to be in public alone (especially if the H is there) without a man by her side. It's as if she wants to keep up some kind of appearances in public. However, it usually just makes a sucker out of the poor H.

Same goes for whenever she's lonely, neglected or OM has rejected her. Look out, b/c that's when she's going to show up.

Question: how do you act happy, vague, and keep it short all at the same time when talking to them?

Well, I suppose another LBS should be the one to answer that question. I will just give you an opinion. First, by acting happy, we don't mean the goofy kind of happy. No cracking jokes, giggling over every word she says, as if you are plain giddy to be with her. Not only will it turn it waaaaaay off, but She will see right through you. Instead of over-kill, just work at not showing how sad you are feeling. Don't let her see how upset she has made you. Work at being even keel and showing a peacefulness or contentment about yourself.

It is not unusual for a WW to ask her H lots of questions, but she she doesn't want him asking her. You do not have to answer, just b/c she asked! I have always said that a man can say more with just a look at her, than he could ever say with words. When she's being nosy, or asking questions you think aren't fair.........just give her a look that tells her she no longer gets these answers. Some questions can be answered with a little grin. Try using one-three word answers. Come on, guys don't seem to have trouble with few words BEFORE they get the bomb.

[dday]

I have been able to keep the conversations shorter. I have made excuses to walk away, have been busy when W wants to chat. I feel like she is using kid stuff as a reason to come talk to me. I know that I come across as mad, more than hurt now. And that is without faking anything. It's just where I am right now. I trusted W with everything and she has betrayed me and the boys. Maybe not A, but I wouldn't be surprised anymore.

I can have a good time with the kids, and other parents now. And it's real... that is a change. I still hurt to see her out of the corner of my eye, and not see her glance my way.

Far from detached, but I have made a few steps that direction. I still want it to work out, but I am making plans for the other outcome. I don't feel so tied to the idea that we have to... it is more of a want now.

So, I probably don't come across as unaffected, but like I have controlled anger. No R talk. No pressure. No goodbyes. No compliments. I try not to ask her anything, unless it's kid related. And I walk away first, most times.

Feels wrong, but I think I am following the advice. Let me know how I should tweak it!

[mutatio]

Good Morning Dday, I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you are a good man. Through your posts it is clear you care deeply for your wife and children. Your efforts are true. We LBS don't always get it right but tend to end up in the right direction. I think that you effort has to be authentic, or the spouse may see through it.

Shifting from hurt to mad seems logical. Next may be indifference or what ever your feeling. I think seasoning your detachment with a little emotion makes it real for them. Don't listen to me though, my marriage is in a sorry state. Be true to yourself Dday and know we love you (like a brother).

[Fogg]

Coming across as mad isnt ideal for a reason so try not to think it's a huge positive. Its understandable to have anger but controlling yiur emotions and you is very important regardless of what they are. It may not be as bad as desperate but its neither attractive or helping you toward your goal. There's less pressure from no R talks but there is still pressure. The anger/coldness you show her still proves to her she's doing the right thing. In her mind the M is the wrong thing and to make herself happy she had to leave it and you. Anytime you go against those feelings(anger, coldness,pressure with R talk, being desperate, etc) your keeping her focusing on getting away from you. As long as she's running from you she can't see what's making her really unhappy. Once the pressure is completely off her by you she MAY start the journey of understanding where her true unhappiness comes from, or shs may jump from one wrong thong to another trying to find it. Also remember this isn't about you, this is more about her and maybe learning things about herself just as you may have right after BD.

[dday]

Thanks mu and fogg. I am not intentionally acting mad, but I think it comes out anyway. I have never been one to give a short answer, and have always tried to keep any conversations going, unless I was truly upset. So, I think that it probably comes across as me being angry of I am not trying to keep the conversations going.

Does that make sense?

_________________

I am grateful today:
Friends invited me up to their campsite, and we had a good time last night

I get to see the boys perform at church today, children's mass

Going to have dinner with sister and brother in law tonight

[dday]

Sandi, I wish you made house calls!

Boys ran into church and sat with me, so guess where W sat. I was friendly, but short and asked her nothing. S4 repeatedly asked why I wasn't going home with them today, and when that would happen, why I didn't want to, etc. I hope she hears this too, because it hurts and it's not my fault. When we were walking out, she started defending herself, unprevoked, saying that she had told me about today's church being a children's mass a couple weeks ago. Wrong. So that led me to ask why she didn't tell me about parent teacher day Thursday. She said "you've never went before" which is true. I replied that I never needed to, because she told me what was going on with the boys, unlike now. She apologized.

This [censored] for me and those kids. I think she still lives in a dream world. Not sure what she thinks divorce is going to look like for our family. The picture I have is going to be tough and strained and emotional.

[dday]

I am upset and hurt again tonight. W sat with me, which we have discussed before. She is withholding info on my kids too. She is still disrespecting me, and I am sick of it. I have been reflecting on some more of our past. W never likes to ask for things, just drop hints until I would volunteer for something. If I didn't catch on, or for whatever reason didn't volunteer, she would become upset with me. W cannot voice what her wants/needs were/are. That is one of her issues, that she had projected as my problem. Sorry, venting again.

What should I do about her sitting with me again?

[Ancaire]

D, if she won't honor your request, you may have to get up and move. You can start by reminding her that you have discussed the topic already, and ask her to sit elsewhere. If she won't, I guess you will have to move. I don't know her, so it is hard to fathom her reasons, but she is clearly disregarding your wishes.

"W, we discussed this. I'd really prefer you sit somewhere else. Thanks."

Be pleasant, and keep it as short as you can. Just remember you are standing up for yourself, not attacking her. It's your boundary, and she needs to respect it.

[dday]

Thanks Judy. It is my request. I do it because it gives me false hope. And, I still believe that it does the same for my boys. Especially when they are asking me, repeatedly, when I am coming home and why I don't want to. So unfair to all of us. S4 about broke my heart yesterday doing that. I'm not sure what to tell them, and I feel like it is her place to break their hearts. Not mine.