wow, mind is blown 8

[Uphill]

Today was mostly niceness, with a splash of impatience. S4 had doctors appointments today. I did not make it to the first one but was on my way to the second when the impatience started. XF called when I was in the shower, obviously missed the call. Called her back a few minutes later and she asked if I was on my way. I said I would walk out the door in about 5 minutes. It is a 45 minute ride to where we take S4 to the doc. So that means I'll be there in a little under an hour. By the time I got there I got 4 texts and 3 calls checking where I was haha. Anyway, doc appts all went well but leaving the hospital XFs phone rang and she started to cry. Hysterically. I stood there for a minute as she leaned on the wall crying and then pieced together that her friend wasn't doing good at all amd was admitted to the ICU. Possibly being flown to a specialist 3 hours away. At that point I just wrapped up XF in my arms and tried to comfort her... Not sure how this will all play out but XF may need some support over these next few days? It doesn't look good at all and this is one of 2 close friends she still talks to.

Where do I draw the line? Do I call periodically to check in? Or leave it where it's at? I did tell her to call if she needs anything and I'm thinking it may be best to leave it at that...

[EyeTie]

You gave her a hug, that is enough.

Do not call her to check in.
Do not stop by to make sure she is alright.
Do not send her flowers.
Do not do ANYTHING that benefits her in anyway!

It's simple psychology my friend. Any interaction with her, think "Would she do the same for me?" If the answer is "no" then you have your answer.

[Uphill]

That is how I left if eye. Thanks for the advise! She came down a little bit ago to pick up S4. She brought the situation up and I just asked if anything is looking better or not. It's the same as yesterday, so I just dropped it at that. She stayed for about 20 minutes because s4 was playing and the name of a "friend" came up. I'm not sure how long you have been following my sitch but a mutual friend was playing us for a while. I saw it shortly before XF walked out. I tried to point it out and XF said "no way" and beleived every word this person said.

Anyways, that person came up because about a month ago XF finally saw that this friend was doing the same thing to others and now she is trying to be all buddy buddy with both of us again. I ignore the friend and it sounds like XF does too. While the opportunity was there I said to XF, you do realize if both of us didn't trust this person like we did, we would be planning our wedding?

She didn't come out and agree, but she did say that person had a lot to do with decisions she made towards the "end". I dropped that at this point and figured let her sleep on that truth dart for a while...

I'm not sure if that was the best move but it was something I felt I had to say?

[EyeTie]

My WW had a friend who I too have mentioned. This gal is toxic to the core and an all around terrible person. I have never cared for her, she had a big influence on my WW in life.

Whenever said friends name get's brought up, I just say "I do not want to waste my positive energy talking about a negative person" OR "Yup, don't care" and change the subject.

[Uphill]

I'm not sure what triggered this but today has been pretty rough. I didn't have the ambition to GAL at all and have been sitting on my couch all day watching tv. Just really not feeling like getting out of the house today... Doing lots of thinking about my situation and how it doesn't have to be like this. I feel like it would take no more than a few hours of me and XF sitting down and talking through things to get us back on the same page. I know it's not that easy, it's just how I'm feeling today.

[asitis]

I know how you feel, but until she is ready, that talk can't happen. If it ever does, do it w/ a good MC who understands takes a systems theory, emotionally-focused therapy, or MWD's approach. There are interpersonal dynamics to fix, not just agreements.

In the meantime, hang in there.

[mahhhty]

Been there. I spent a lot of time zoning out. I think it's healthy in an odd way. Keep your chin up.

[Uphill]

I know it can't happen at this point and maybe never will. That's just what my simple mind is telling me today... I won't be bringing it up, I vented my thoughts here so that I got it off my chest and didn't slip up. It just seems like it could be so easy if she were willing to talk?

Chin is in the air, even if it is fake today it's still pointing high. Hopefully tomorrow it will be natural.

[mahhhty]

I was very guilty of only seeing how I would fix the problem. Only seeing my solution, doing it my way, etc. if you think the solution is talking that's good. But be cognizant that there may be a part of her that believes in another method. Don't try to lock into your way... That can just reinforce that your set in your ways or always think your right or whatever.

In regards to the chin... Sometime you have to fake it to make it. Aka. Act as if.

[Uphill]

You are right on both those subjects mahhhty. I definatly know its not as simple as a conversation at this point. I feel it could help but unless she initiates it, it won't happen or be productive. I personally feel that the topic should have been brought up before it got anywhere near this point?

Faking it til you make it is the only reason I am able to slowly feel better about my life. Looking back, I wish I knew that sooner!