Thank you for your supportive words. I know that no one is judging and I find all the posts helpful and supportive. It's exactly how I would advise some one. I think I feel pathetic because I am not being true to my own beliefs. I have been harping on this topic for a while afraid to make a move. I struggle in my own mind and play devils advocate.
I get a lot of anxiety (can convince myself I have terminal illnesses or something bad is happening at kids schools, and I truly believe it is happening or will happen and get myself in a very emotional state) so I often don't trust my perception of things. I want to be fair and I understand that I might not be seeing things the way they really are so I dont know if I am making decisions based on accurate information.
i am impressed with how you communicated to your husband. I can't really talk to mine about our relationship. It will only escalate and then I will look like the bad guy and he will use it against me. I'm trying to keep friendly and calm right now. I am supposed to be staying away from all relationship talk and acting as if everything is going the way I want it to go. I am hoping i will truly detach and just not care anymore. I want my power back.
I was advised by My DB coach to take ownership of my contributions and thought that you had mentioned you had did so in a letter.
Anyway, you don't know how much I appreciate yours and everyone else's input. Thank you.
Last edited by JulieH; 10/02/1502:40 AM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
JPEG, I will come visit your thread. Started reading and I understand what your going through. Doesn't it seem different when it's someone else?
YES!! I reread my posts and I am like what was I thinking with some of the stuff I am thinking or doing. Some of it is really not sane. So much harder when it is your own situation.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Yes. We are so cruel to ourselves. Our own worst enemies truly. I was in an abusive relationship when i was really young and I look back and say whyt did I give him that power. I am actually angry at myself that I allowed myself to be treated that way. I am going to reevaluate husbands offenses. My husband was not abusive but very selfish. His actions right now and this past year have been very wrong and but I am not sure how to categorize.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Ancaire. I am taking notes You have such a poignant direct effective succinct way with words That is what I want to say to H but it never comes out ( while we haven't talked since June) My kids also grown(ish) and I too am doing everything I can to keep family together - that is what H and I taught them growing up - the importance of family - nothing seems to be reaching through to him
The reason I was able to report to y'all what I said was because I practiced saying it before I ever approached H. When I owe an overdue apology, I approach H and say something like, "I need just a minute of your time. I owe you an apology, and it would mean a lot if you'll just hear me out."
After saying what I want, if H wants to argue or throw me under the bus again, I just say a variation of, "I understand you might feel differently. I just wanted to share my regrets. I have no desire to start arguing with you." Then I walk away. Just leave him yelling at the air. It really works!
I have plenty of reasons for not writing letters, but probably the biggest is that H can study anything written down and tear it apart. A personal apology, followed by a refusal to engage, leaves the fact that I did apologize hanging in his limited mindspace...lol
It's hard to look him in the eyes and say my piece, but completely worth it as far as getting my message across.
Totally agree with the written letter. My H hangs on to everything written and even makes notes and comments in the margins and you can see how he twists everything
Had recent session with DB coach, and she reminded me of some positives from husband.. 1. He is texting more frequently about non childcare things. 2. His texts regarding children are expansive 3. He called me back immediatly to clarify when I questioned him and then follow up texted him my pursuing message,( about a weeks ago when I broke my 27 day record). She said he could have just ignored me, but he did not. 4. He was a bit upset when I missed 2 of his texts one weekend night. (He Brought it up twice)
He did however bait me with a text regarding me getting a second job. So Insulting considering our situation. There were so many ways i felt like answering this. But I ended up just agreeing and taking a positive approach. (I know it could be something he is pushing for due to legal reasons though. But during relationship he felt mad that I was criticizing our situation while only working part time )
A big part of session was talking about how I have to stop showing him my insecurities.
She also told me an apology in which I recognize my contributions to our problems would be a good idea, since he said in that conversation a week ago that I have taken no ownership for my contribution. He said this when I reminded him that he does not need to be cruel, he is the one that abandoned and rejected me. He said I'm the one that pushed him out due to the things I have said. And basically said that I am seeing myself as the victim.
DB coach also advised that we do things as a family In order to cultivate a friendship and because it will be good for the kids. I was not doing this because felt like it was allowing him to eat cake. I wanted him to know what it would be like to be divorced. I also don't want to initiate. (Something I have always had to do in our whole relationship. )
There are so many things that I am mad about As well. It's hard because I have to be the one to put my pride aside, when I feel like I am right in so many ways in order for this to work. I have fears as well. I don't want to live with him the way he has been either.
My goals: 1.act as if...friendly and positive. Not just act anymore but be friendly and positive 2. Verbally ackowledge and thank him for the good things he is doing 3. Invite him on family outing
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
That's very interesting what your coach has said about family outing. Let me know how it goes. At the moment I'm not doing it as like you I want him to know what it'd be like to be divorced, and like you don't want him to feel he can eat his cake. Really interesting that advice.
Your posts appear to be more positive recently, keep it up you are on the right track :-)
I hear you about being afraid to have hope. I feel like I have gone through so much heartbreak and I don't want to do it again.
I am also curious about the family outings.
I also have been finding things H is doing right and thanking him, encouraging him for them. Actually, I think it was asitis who suggested that to me a while ago, because H is not doing well with our kids. It took me about a month to spot a good interaction between H and S11 and I was really looking! I saw it and texted him, and I think it made a difference.
I have been finding more and more examples. Once you spot them it gets easier. I text though, not verbal.
Thanks for posting, sometimes I learn more by reading other people's posts!
