H and I have been having issues off and on for quite a while, mostly centering on his relationship with one of his employees. They have a lot in common and enjoy each other. Our families are so intertwined its like we are related. But I started getting obsessed with how close they were,(others pointed it out to me and I focused on it and complained to H) which led to H and I having issues. I found out that he had even spent a quite a few times alone with her and lied to me about it. 2 weeks after our daughter's wedding this summer he dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb. He was DONE with me. I begged and pleaded and defended and explained and cried and cried and cried.I lost 20 pounds in that month. Couldnt eat or sleep. At my lowest I found this site and, through lurking, started to follow some of the advice. He had moved downstairs, so I gave him space. I told him if he wanted a D, he would have to do the work- I was going to pursue saving the marriage only. I GAL, which he noticed. I was cheerful and listened when he shared. He seemed to be happier with me (still, no touching). But he told me he was moving out this week.I asked him if he needed help, which shocked him. I filled my schedule up to leave him alone more (I have always let him plan our activities in the past). So here's the confusing part.He kept waiting up for me to come home. Or calling me to talk (I dont call, text, or open conversations with him now). He moved out while I was hiking this morning, but came back to watch football and asked me to come watch with him. when I left to leave him alone, he found me and said (sadly), I guess I'll be going. Do I detach more? He's so sad, but doesn't seem to want to work on our marriage. He wants to support me financially still and allow me to stay in our house and will even keep his stuff here and help me care for the house, but he keeps telling me he doesnt want me. Im in limbo and I miss him even when he's right next to me...
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Ciluzen I am right with you. My w moved into the other room in February and spent 4 months deciding whether she wanted to stay married. I was trying everything, just didn't give her enough space. I would say keep on detaching, because me not detaching didn't work out so well. I have detached now, but it may be too late. She has lived on her own for 3 months, and all her stuff is out of the house. She wasted no time doing that. I even helped her move stuff to storage also.
Bobby the trouble is often by the time they leave they are not interested in doing any work and this is where we find ourselves we want to work but they do not I found this on another thread posted by Sandi2 she is a wealth of knowledge
I'm sure it must be very difficult for you, but please understand that a WAW is a different creature from the girl you M. The girl you M was in love with you. Your WAW no longer feels in love with you. Your bride wanted you to fill her up emotionally. The woman you have now feels emotionally dead to you. You used to be all she thought about and she wanted to please you. Somewhere, that faded away. She wanted you to compliment her when you thought she looked great. Now, it kind of irks her to hear it from you. She admired and respected you as a man, But she has neither for you now. She wanted to be with you sexually. But now she no longer desires you.
Even when PT is not the primary LL, people in love still want to be touched by their S. People who have a high drive may still have sex with their S, but the in-love feelings aren't there. People on the board have different opinions about having sex with a WAS. If there was always a healthy sex life in the M......who knows? But if she wasn't the one who usually initiated, IMHO I would have to say she isn't interested. "Most" WAW's feel completely "done" with the M. Once done.....she feels that's it. Can't go any further with it, and won't try.
She doesn't get to that point overnight. The WAW feels very unhappy, neglected, and lonely for a long time. The H may say it's not true, but it's her feelings and it's how she remembers it (right or wrong). She feels "empty" and then she begins to feel "dead" inside.
When she feels dead, she's in an extremely vulnerable position. B/c the first male who says just the right words to make her feels special, makes her feel pretty, or young & sexy.....she is in danger of stepping into an emotional realm that will thrive on her emotions. The more ego food she gets, the stronger the emotional fantasy.....and pretty soon, you've got a monster who has replaced the girl you M.
Yes, she will start looking really good! She'll work out, dress in younger looking clothes, change her hair, wear more make-up, and some start hitting the party life. (That's why I personally think she has another man's attention....or is looking.) I mean, you have to ask yourself why is she suddenly doing this (especially when she's so obviously disinterested in her H). And if there isn't a "why", then you have to ask yourself who. It is usually a who that sets off the ego spark in a woman (who has felt dead for a long time). Once she feels that little spark, she sees there's life after death, and she's not about to give it up.
Now, your nature will want to do all those things you should have done a long time ago. But you see, she doesn't want you to do it now. In fact, if you try to do it now, it will backfire and make her pull away quicker than ever. That brings me back to the touching. Some DB coaches have advised certain folks to do a little touch to see the response. Depending on that particular stitch. But it sure doesn't happen in all cases! B/c the WAW is no longer attracted to her H, and she no longer desires his attention, compliments, or touches. In fact, she goes to the extreme the other direction from her old self. It seems anything he does simply turns her off, and that's why anything that resembles romantic intentions will get you bad results. And each time a LBH tries that route, she has to show him that she's serious about ending the M, b/c she thinks you aren't accepting it.
Now I just need to follow this myself
Take care
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I kind of know what I need to do with detaching, but H is trying so hard to be the sweet caring person that I have always loved and that makes it hard to remember- he says doesn't want me. We are both going to an event next week. I told him I was going to have a good time, I would try not to get in his way, and that I would not make it awkward. He told me he would look for me, watch me at times because he always had, and buy me a drink because it would make him happy. Hunh? He says he still wants to be able to talk to me. So do I discourage that and truly detach? One of the reasons we had trouble was that he felt I didn't love him, only tolerated him, for years. So he decided to do what made him happy and to heck with how I felt. That was when I started seeing him with his friend more. I'm afraid if I detach too much that it will just make him feel his original feelings of being unloved were spot on, especially now that he is in his own place.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Cil, my WW/WAW still wants me to sit with her at ballgames and church. I have stopped doing that. She wants us to be, and still claims we are, best friends. I have trouble not getting mad when I see her right now (entering anger phase?) Anyway, if they can still string us along, we are plan b. Or, they think we will give them more in the divorce. Or whatever they think.
I have to pull back to protect myself, and my boys. And to detach. And to show her, that I won't be there to catch her when she falls, etc.
Every sitch is different, and I am doing what I hope is right for.mine. my .02, for whatever good it is.
Good luck!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Your two cents is good, tough stuff. My GAL and 180 (communicating with friends instead of relying on him to do it, not relying on him to make plans for our weekends or free time or anything, doing what I am interested in instead of following him around like a puppy) have not gone un-noticed, but I'm scared to death that detachment might play into his feelings of not being loved and backfire. It sounds like, in your situation, it might help, though. And with young kids, protecting them from the weirdness of the seesaw effect while DBing is of great importance. Good luck to you,too.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
At first glimpse, I would say that your H is in an A with this female employee. Unlike most wayward wives, I think the more mature man tends to feel more guilt about cheating, at least in the beginning. He could be trying to let you down easier (his opinion of it) by asking you to watch TV or getting you a drink, continue paying for your home, etc. He has been with you for a long time. Perhaps he still feels a responsibility for you, as most men his age would. Although, this is speculation, b/c we don't have much of the story yet.
You must stop crying in front of him. No more pleading and begging. This approach only makes it worse. It doesn't attract him, when you behave this way. He knows what he has done to you! Now is the time to make a complete turn around. God gave women the ability, if you'll woman up and do it.
No more acting pathetic. Let him go his merry way. He has made a choice, and you cannot beg hard enough or cry enough to change his mind. However, there are things you can do. In order for him to change his mind, he will need to see you being a different woman than what he's seeing now.
You said you lost 20 lbs in one month. That's pretty staggering for a female in her forties! You need to be on a healthy diet and exercise plan, b/c you must stay healthy in order to do what's needed, and to survive this ordeal. If you can't sleep, can't control your crying, have panic attacks, etc., please go your doctor and tell him what you are experiencing.
Give us more about your marital history and how the relationship was.
Read those links Cadet sent. They are your tools.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am sorry you are here. Detaching is more for you right now than for them. You need to detach so you don't drown in the craziness. The good news, is when you do detach and turn the focus to you, you become happier, and they notice that.
Just keep posting and practice patience. This can be a long ride, and there is no quick fix.
(((((hugs)))))
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
