The important thing is are you and the children healthy?
Let's analyse the statement in you last post for a moment as if we were both independent of your sitch as if you and I were concerned friends of overcom, talking and giving sympathy over a glass of wine (and cheeeeeese).
WH has visited to help with a sick child and overcom said 'I hate you for leaving our family'. What reaction would you expect from WH?
Joy, not again, wretched STBX W can't cope again, was concerned the children are with her and she is not coping, Do I need to have the children instead? and there she goes off on one, got go get out of here, Emotional blackmail, She really can cope chooses not to when will she learn I have OW?
It could be any of them, in combination or even something else, we will never know and none of the above are good. Perhaps you were hoping he would say, "I am so sorry I can see you are not coping and I will come home?"
He is texting OW, probably WH is in the addicted phase, and also probably OW s insecure, and because probably he wants too.
Yes, it hurts he sacked overcom as his wife, so for the sake of your children take the advice above.
He also said "you didn't take care of me and someone else is"
That tells you a lot, firstly the didn't is past tense, he is moved on and that's his story. It can also be a hidden reference to sexual connection too. My WH was always saying "V, you are not a 'We' person". My friends are all saying that I am the opposite of that: too much a we person. That isn't helpful clearly in WH eyes there was something I wasn't doing in being a 'we' person. I asked him several times what he meant by it and either he couldn't or wouldn't tell me. So in the end I went through a questioning process, I really don't want this in my next R, so It is something I will observe in future.
So let's ask overcom, in what way did WH think you did not take 'care' of him? Remember it's his view, it may be by all standards you did take care of him. Is this valid? If so are there 180s? Could he attempt to say this about the children too?
It's you and the children that I am most interested in, overcom. In seeing you a strong and vibrant woman that only a fool would leave.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/03/1505:58 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V here's the full story: The [censored] er came home to hang out with kids. He fell asleep for 20 mins. I put the kids to bed and when I came out he was texting her. We sat there for a good 5 mins and the whole time he's texting her. Then he said something I looked at him weird and hes like why you looking at me like you don't want to talk to me. He gets up and is leaving I'm like wow. This whole time your here texting her isn't it enough your going to be with her all night your coming to visit for 5 mins and all your doing is texting her. I said ya run off to be your soulmate. He left I called crying and told him I hated him for doing this and hes like you didn't take care of this and now someone else is. I did everything for him I said next time your here I would appreciate it if you didn't text her back I'm like your being rude. Then I called him crying amd said I hate u Sorry. Lol So I called saying I hate you for doing this he's like wow now we're in the hating stage. He's like ty it feels good. I said you were my soul mate how can you tear this up and hes like you didn't take care of this soulmate amd someone else is. He's like I'm not doing anything its just happening. I saod of course you are you are fighting to be with her. You didn't fight for us! I said maybe I should have been a cheater and a bitch you would probably appreciate me more. Then I stopped! !!
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Hi Overcom, I'm sorry to hear about your exchange with your H. I think it's important to recognise that you are part of the downward spiral that occurred and if you approach interactions with him differently, they will become different.
At the moment, you are doing some of the worst things to do - crying, telling him you hate him. I truly understand how upsetting the situation is, but none of this will get you closer to reconciling if that is what you want. All you do is drive him closer to OW, and reinforce to him that he was right to go.
Can I ask if you have read either DR or DB fully yet? I hope so, because if you can start making some changes from your end, you truly have the ability to change the situation.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
OK, so that interaction is neither romantic nor bonding.
It released some anger, and won't even work as a truth dart.
However, WH did breach a boundary, that made you angry and screaming banshee mode emerged. Been there, worn that T shirt, and won't make you feel good. It's wrong on all levels, checks many boxes. You may feel shame and disgust, and beat yourself up. Let's learn from it and move on, it is as it is.
That reaction is called flooding of emotions. I will post you the link so you can observe it on another's sitch. It is important I think that you apologise, not for the content but for the delivery. So " I apologise or being angry with you. " No excuses or rationalisations. "This doesn't help us co-parent our children and makes this difficult for both of us." Validating statement. I will make a great effort to change this." Solution without promise.
If you wish to enforce your boundary then you will have to do so calmly and have a consequence so in a couple of days a second text with the boundary and a request.
Let's define the boundary: "whilst you are in my home or with us as a family then it is important that you keep your phone blocked to receive and send calls with OW. I think this will help keep our co parenting interactions positive"
Next can we examine how you can help yourself hold "screaming banshee" in check?
What do you think will help you?
There is a major technique used in business for anger and I will research it for you.
I understand you are disappointed and WH has sacked you as his W and his soulmate. Let him go burn out his PA. clearly he is in the addicted phase.
I may need a second post as at the moment my iPad looses my posts when I try to link.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/03/1509:12 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
O-when your blood starts to boil, BREATHE! In through the nose, out through the mouth. Slowly. You'll have to do it for a bit until your heart rate slows. It is the best technique for calming down that I have. If I'm talking to H in person, I hold up one finger, indicating to give me a second. Sometimes he does, sometimes not. I NEVER start speaking again until I have calmed down. It's hard to take words back, best not to say them at all. Like everything else, it takes some practice, but it is the single most helpful tool I've learned.
Your hurt and pain are pushing you into action. Learning to control reactions will help you in every aspect of your life, but will be key in helping you manage this one.
Practice this technique frequently when you're not upset, so you remember to use it when you are.
