Back on these forums again

[gonegrl]

Hi Mona, I am sorry that you are back here, but also glad as I think you can help a lot of us with your experience.

I am curious about what you said about the fact that you proved to him that you would work on the marriage and love him no matter what, and that made him take advantage of the situation and get lazy. At what point did you notice that? I am only 7 months in and I can see that happening already, but I am probably too early in to come to that conclusion yet. My H is also a very non-involved father.

What is your H's relationship with the child he had with the OW? And where is she and that child now?

I am sorry for your pain, you sound like a very strong woman and I hope you get the support you need (again) here.

[Mona52]

Thanks Sorgan, otw, Julie, RAI and photoka

I took the last 2 weeks and tried to straighten out the tangled mess of my mind. But I am sure I only succeeded in confusing myself even more.

When I posted on here, and read some of the replies, I kinda panicked. Last time was so hard. And trust me, I heard you loud and clear when you said that this time is not like last time. Logically, i know this. But it feels the same, and he is doing some of the same things. And I just dont know if I want to fight the good fight again. When actual, real people started replying, i felt like the decision was being made for me, because you guys are supporting me, so I have to move forward...

So I ran and grabbed the book "He's just not into you". When I put that book down, I was SURE, 100% SURE that I wanted a D. That book PROVED he just does not love me.

But I cant just read one book and make a huge decision. I took the plunge and read DB and DR again, and I was 100% sure I wanted to save the M.

While I was doing all of this, I was completely dark with H. No contact. He showed up that Friday to take S to the game, and he has not called, texted or spoke to the kids since then, until yesterday. So it was very easy to go dark.

There were times when I missed him so much and the pain was so strong I have no idea how I stopped myself from texting him. I knew I could come here and get support if I really had to, but I needed to figure out things on my own, so I just embraced the pain and tried to just go through it. I know I wont make it to the other side if I do not feel it.

The pain was very helpful in clearing the fantasy world I lived in when I last was here. The last time, all I remembered was the GOOD side of that man. By the time he came home, I had completely forgotten about the bad things. So when he left his socks on the floor, or did not happily change a diaper, I was sort of shocked. The fantasy H I was trying to win back was perfect...

That fantasy H shows up in my mind OFTEN now. But the pain helps me remember, he is only human and as full of flaws as anyone. And those flaws are causing me horrible pain now. So do I really want to try with him again?

Honestly, I have no idea. I both want a D and I do not want a D. But we have children together, so he will always be around, so I am going to dip my toe in the DB pool and work on goals that will get me closer to co-parenting with him without fighting.

I am not ready to commit to anything more than that at this point.

So I am going to stick to my goals of having him contact the children every few days. I know this is not goals for me, but to be able to co-parent with no fighting, I need him to be a parent.

I took steps towards this yesterday. And I guarantee you will all cringe when you hear HOW i did it, but I am not sorry. Yesterday morning I sent him a text message asking if we could have a civil conversation. He said yes, but he was busy. I told him to call me when he wanted to.

He called within 20 minutes. As nice as i could, I let him have it with both barrels. I told him that it is not the kid's fault that we are going through this. The kids miss him and he has not contacted them in 2 weeks. He said he does not have a house (he moved in with my mother, because he has no where to go), so he cannot see the kids. As nice as i could... I explained he does not need a house to text his children. I paid for his cell phone bill, he can call them without having to talk to me at all.

He tried to say THEY needed to call him. I told him he was the adult, and he needed to be the one.

He tried to set it up, so that they contact him through me. I was supposed tell the kids when to call him, and let him know when they were available. He asked me to tell him what I want him to do.

I know that sounds reasonable, but it is a trap, and I want no part of that. I told him I did not want to have to call him every day and beg for him to do things for the kids. I told him he would have to call them, talk to them and ask them what they need. I told him if I had to keep asking him to do things we were going to fight forever. Because I would ask him for something, and if he did not do it, I would be mad and it would be a continual circle of fighting.

I also told him that if he could just talk to the kids, there is no reason he has to talk to me at all. So we would both be happier.

So he is going to pick S up from soccer tonight. I joined a D support group and I cant get my S. And he asked the kids to go to the movies with him on Saturday. Well, kinda... He asked the oldest to ask the other 2 if they wanted to go. He still has not actually talked to the other 2.

I have a few plans for tonight for them, but this post is already long enough. I believe it is time for me to post my own personal goals and what I am doing for just me.

[Mona52]

Non-M related, personal, make-Mona-better goals...
Like I said before, last time, when I learned how to GAL, I really took that to heart, and since then I have not stopped.

In the last few years, I finished my BS in Computer Science and doubled my income going from a part-time clerical job to a full time IT job. Once I was able to get a little bit of experience, I was able to double my income again by landing a database analyst position at a local university.

Professionally, I hit the jackpot. My job is perfect for me. I come to work everyday and get to play with code and servers and speak to people who understand highly technical conversations. They encourage me to spread my wings and learn new things, some that have absolutely nothing to do with databases. As long as I am always learning, they are happy and I am ecstatic.

Professionally, everyday I try and do something I have never done before. I constantly look at what I do every day and try to make it faster or easier. It is great, because I try to take that mindset into other parts of my life.

After I got my degree and became comfortable in my career at the university, I knew I could not just stop there, so I am back in school full-time (nights, after I get out of work and the kids are asleep). I am finishing my Master's of Science in Computer Security.

I only have 4 classes to go, and this is where, personally, I am falling sort of hitting my goals at the moment. I am in 3 highly technical classes and no matter how hard I try, I cannot focus. I am about 2 weeks behind on my classes right now.

Last month, I got my Certified Ethical Hacker certification, and one of my classes will build on that and I will get certified in forensic investigation. The certs kinda go hand-in-hand, so I need to figure out a way to snap out of it and dig in and get this done. So far I have been unsuccessful in figuring it out.

I am kinda good at finding and clearing malware and other nasties on a computer, so another personal goal I have is to start a business helping local business owners keep their data safe. I created a business plan and entered the plan in a state-wide competition and I came in in the top 6. So I am sure my plan is good. But I am failing miserably at this goal. I have tried a ton of mailings, a radio add and promotional materials for local business owners. But they do not really know the difference between a virus and malware, so I have no idea how to explain what I can do for them so that they understand how much they need it. This personal goal in critical because I do not earn enough money to pay all of the bills and my H is not giving me anything, zero, nada. I took him to domestic relations, but he quit his job before we went. He started a new job a few days after the domestic relations hearing, and they tried to give me what he should pay from what they assume he might make at the new job. It is pennies and it will be another month or more before I start getting any of it. I cant tell my landlord, or the electric company I will pay them when my H pays me...

I hired a marketing person, and did exactly what she told me to do, but I still have zero customers. I tried to hire some professional appointment setters. They gave me my money back and told me they do not know how to get appointments...

I also turned a hobby into an additional source of income in the last few months, but it will take a year for any of the money to come in. I offered my services to a publisher to be a technical reviewer. At first I did not get paid for this, but they did publish my name in the books I reviewed. But now I have moved on to getting paid to review the code in books as they are written. I will not get any actual money until the book is published, and that takes a while. And they only let me have one or 2 books at a time, so it is not a lot of money, but I get thrilled when I see my name in a book

Last week I quit smoking. I had been a smoker for about 30 years. I quit in January of this year, but about 2 months ago, I had just "one" every now and then to make it through the stress. This quickly turned in to a full fledged, pack a day habit again. Today is day 6 where I have not touched a cigg and it stinks! But this pain makes me forget other pain, and sometimes makes the other pain worse, but I can handle it.

I have also lost 6 pounds in the last 3 weeks. This is much easier then I hoped, because I am rarely hungry anymore. I have been trying for over a year to take 40 pounds off. Now I only have 36 to go. Yes, I know it is unhealthy not to eat. If I could just remove the lump that is always in my throat, maybe I could swallow food. I do make it a point to eat as healthy as I possibly can since I am only eating a small amount each day. And I am drinking lots of water so I wont get sick.

These are about half of my non-M goals. It feels good to list them. I have been feeling my whole universe was revolving around one person. But this shows clearly that that is really not true.

Now I need to quickly pop back to my h and my plans for tonight. As my poor mother gets older, reality slips father away from her sometimes. In the kitchen, she has lost reality completely. She has a kitchen full of kinda stale, older food. I think she will only buy a can of food if it has been marked down because it has a dent (or more). Bread is just shy of having actual mold. I throw stuff out when she is not looking every time I go over there, but she gets mad. "That's still good!" My H moved in there on Aug 21st. So, tonight I am going to have a nice lasagna and a fresh loaf of Italian bread waiting in the oven for when he brings my S home. I will have my S invite him to eat with him and my D. My other D I will pick up when she gets off work and drop her off at my house, but I will not go in. That way my H can relax, eat one of his favorite meals, in his old kitchen, with his children, and I will be out on the town In my head, everyone wins?

[ATPeace]

Well done on the stopping the cigs it is hard but this is the time that you can do anything

Take care

Ghost

[Mona52]

Posting some mistakes here so i can keep track of where I am heading.

I had pleasant exchanges with H yesterday, after a small fight in the early morn. I sent him a text in the morning asking if he was still going to pick S up from soccer. He got snippy, "Yes, I will get him, we have been over this."

I got snippy back... "Yes, I know we have been over this, but when you get mad at me, you stop talking to all 4 of us and I know you are mad at me from yesterday. I cant just hope you will still pick him up, I need to know."

He responded "I am not mad, I am just frustrated."

I replied, "Well, I am going to ask you the exact same question next week, so how can I ask so you will not be frustrated? Can't you just call me crazy, and tell me (for the hundredth time) that you have him? You can even say those exact words if you want...yes crazy woman, I have the boy!"

It's like he can't remember the thousand times he has promised to pick up the kids and just left them standing... Whatever, I do not feel guilty for asking and I will ask again next week.

I had a nice dinner waiting for him when he brought S home. I was not there, but the kids said they had a nice time with him.
But we sent some other text messages yesterday. Pleasant messages. And those are sometimes horrible to deal with. Because your stupid mind flies right to "OMG it is over, we can get back together now."

Nothing has changed mona! He is still being a jerk and you are worth so much more.

It is that stupid fantasy H my mind conjures out of thin air. The H my real H never really was, because no one is perfect.

So I have been pulling my mind on track all morning and my arms are getting tired. Every time my mind drifts toward his nice text messages yesterday, I grab it and pull it away. It is a work in progress.

So, I dropped out of my D support group last night. It was at a church that was a different religion than me. And they were sending such conflicting messages. D is a sin, no man can pull apart the union, and in the next sentence, you are going through this divorce because there are bigger plans for you so just trust all is the way it should be.

I grew up strict catholic, I went to the same catholic school my mother went to, my kids go to the same school now. If you are catholic, you have an idea of the guilt you feel even saying the word divorce. Dont get me wrong, I do not feel I am doing anything wrong right now. But that doesnt stop the guilt. Guilt is just as normal to a catholic as breathing So I did not join a support group for more guilt. I was hoping it would be more like the forums here. People supporting each other to make changes for the better. I do not have time to waste in activities that dont move me forward, so I spent those hours in the library studying how to use blogs as a marketing technique.

You guys can be my support group, and I will use that time to try and get my business going

It was a tiny bit hard not to sneak home, because I knew he would be there, but I indulged in a supper mocha, chocolaty, carmelly, sea salt thingy from Starbucks. OMG it was heavenly. I was a few ounces heavier on the scale this morning, but it was worth it. I sat in the library, in the peace and quite and slurped my concoction and tried to figure out how I can use a blog to help me get a few customers. Who could ask for more?

[Mona52]

H was the one who did a 180 today.
I have been the sole person to handle the kids for a long time now. If the kids needed something, he would assume I would do it. If they needed something purchased, like school supplies or a birthday present for a friend, anything they needed, it was only up to me to handle it. It did not matter if I had money or not, I had to figure it out. I tried a million times to hand some of the responsibility to him, but he would say "I can't" and he would not do what needed done.

I could not let them suffer, so I always ended up figuring it out. (I know, never use always, but it is true)

This morning D16 had an issue at school. It was an issue I had absolutely no chance of helping with. First I am broke until tomorrow, so I could not give her the money she needed. Second, I am at work. I cannot just drive to the school if she is not sick.

I thought to myself, "What the heck, can't hurt to try..." I texted H 2 hours before he had to be at work. Normally, if it is near the time he has to work, he flat out refuses to do anything. Even though he was constantly late from playing video games.

I asked him to drop money off to her, and while I was waiting for his 'NO', I was mentally going through my friends and family to see who I was going to beg for help from next.

I was right in the middle of texting my mom, and he answered... "I will take care of it."

Wait... What?????

Ok, I still kept my hopes LOW. I was fully expecting him to just go to work and text me later "oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to take money to her. And I cannot now, I am at work."

However, I called the school, just in case and told them he might be stopping in to drop some money off to D.

He actually dropped off twice as much as needed!

I still have not received any support from him, this is the first time in a long time he reached into his own pocket and gave to the kids. I am in total shock.

He has to feel good about himself lately. 2 months ago, he barely worked 20 hours a week, but spent way more than he earned. So we were falling deeper and deeper into a hole. I was handling the house, the kids, the bills, working FT and everything else I do, and he was playing video games.

Since I booted him out, he got a full time job and from what he says (which could be untrue) he is not only working 40 hours, but he is working as much OT as he can. He is trying to save money to get his own place. I dont care who you are, that has to feel good. And now he was able to actually be there when his D needed his help. And he is taking them to see pitch perfect 2 on saturday.

A part of me gets a tiny bit scared when I see him doing well. I feel he will think he is better off without me now that things are so good for him.

I do not hold on to those feelings, because, first, I am very much better off now then I was while he was here, and second, if that is how he feels, i am happy for him.

I sent him a text message thanking him for helping her. And I made sure, during this whole day, that I stated it like she needed his help. He was helping her. Never once did I say I needed his help, or thanks for helping me.

My goals now are to have him as a better father and co-parent, and I dont want to throw me in the mix.

[Mona52]

Gearing up for a busy weekend. S has a soccer game extremely early tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, there is a hurricane moving up the coast. We do not live close enough that we are in any kind of danger, but we will get hit with a ton of rain. And the temp dropped low this last week. Ugh...

Good news is I stepped on the scale this morning and I am still on track with a slow and steady weight loss. Since I ditched the ciggs, I am now able to take longer and longer walks. It is great, because it feels good, and the university I work on, and walk around is beautiful. But the down side is I have nothing to keep my mind occupied during my walks, so my mind stays firmly on my H and my M during every single walk.

Struggling to force my mind elsewhere has failed completely, and made me feel like a failure because I could not do it. So I allow myself to think about what ever I want to, with no regrets. I just promise myself that I will never act on any wild and crazy ideas my mind comes up with on a walk.

He is taking the kids to the movies after the soccer game. I have no idea if he will show up at the game, but I am guessing he will not be there. (I have a sexy outfit that really shows my weight loss just in case of course).

I want to try to upgrade a server in a way I have never attempted before, so I am going to work a little overtime while they are out. I am really excited.

If he asks me to tag along to the movies with them I can honestly say I already have plans I have not actually seen him in a while. Just phone calls and text messages. And I would like to keep it that way for now.

He did something extremely thoughtful yesterday, that almost made me cry. Actually, he did it about a week and a half ago, and I only found out he did it for me yesterday. It is weird because a week and a half ago, he was not even speaking to me.

When he does nice things, it sends me in a tailspin. It is easy to be mad and keep my distance when he is being a jerk. But when he is being nice, the walls begin to crumble. I got about an hour of sleep last night. I replayed everything he did that drove me to the point of making him leave. His one nice gesture is nothing compared to all the hurt and rejection I went through, so this morning I was able to break free from my tailspin.

I have been falling behind on my school these past few weeks. I am not beating myself up over it, but I have to get back on track. So I signed up for extra classwork this weekend. So as soon as I am done with my upgrade, I am going to dive in head first and work flat out all day Saturday and Sunday. I am going to do it here on campus, and not at home so I cannot become distracted by R drama.

There is a TV show D15 used to watch with H. They have not seen it for a while, and a few episodes have piled up. I have plans to give them tomorrow after the movie to squeeze in a binge marathon, and I will stay away while they do this. I have gifts I will give my D to give to him to make the time even more special.

The only TV we have is in our bedroom, so he will have to join her there to watch it. There are a few dads on the show that talk about how much their family means to them (it is sort of a reality competition show). The dads say how they could not do what they are doing without the support of their wife and kids.

It is not a lot of dads saying this, just a few sprinkled in here and there, and I am sure this will hit him.

My name was published in a book this past week, and my quote about the book is on the back cover. I just got a copy yesterday and was super excited. No one but you guys know. I have a very hard time telling people close to me about my accomplishments. I feel like I am bragging. When I got my BS in computer science, I never even went to graduation. My H was the one who told my M and I have no idea if the rest of the family knows I earned a degree and I am almost done with my master's.

It does not really feel like bragging here because we are all supposed to GAL and accomplish the impossible. And I am super glad I can say some of my accomplishments here, because the only person in the world I used to share things with is H and I cant tell him anything anymore.

[Avanti]

Mona52, wow, is all I can say right now, wow!

You've really taken DB'ing to it limits and back and you are constantly moving to improve you, did I say wow?

You mentioned earlier on that you were DB'ing originally ( the GAL element) purely to get your H back but have taken things to heights I've not see so far on this BB. Congratulations, no one can take any of what you've achieved away from you and even if they did then you'd know how to get back to where you are, so it wouldn't be an issue.

What surprised me was you saying that you saw DBing as a way to get your H back when really it's not, it's there to help you become and even better you and if you end up in a new R with your H that's a bonus.

So I guess, what I am saying is why are you DB'ing again when your goals aren't in any way DB oriented (and you've admitted that) plus you have decided, seemingly, that your H has qualified himself not to be part of your life?

I was tempted not to ask the last question so you'd stick around longer and continue to encourage us, but that would be selfish, which would be wrong.

You mentioned you were trying to get your sw security product off the ground and had considered a number of routes without success. As a techy sales guy I was wondering if you had considered whether you are aiming too low? If your product is good and something many would want, why try to create your own market when you could license the product to a well established brand and let them do the sales and marketing while you focussing on bug fixes and improvements? 1% of millions of units is better than 100% of not much. Just a thought.

[mutatio]

Hi Mona, you have quite the backstory. There are a few coincidences to our stories. I will share them with you tomorrow. I am sick and want to get to bed early. Please know we are here to support you. Good night

[Ancaire]

Hi Mona! Just catching up on your thread. I'm curious...does your H know why you asked him to leave? Was communication a problem in your M? I found reading about his method of communicating with the children to be quite odd. Did he ever try to shoulder some of the load, or was he content to have you do it all?

You are such a strong independent woman that I'm wondering if he felt superfluous. Could that be a reason he retreated into himself? Did you guys ever try marital counseling?

I know...I'm full of questions. It just seems like you're not 100% sure about your choice. He sounds like he is capable of good things, so I'm curious about why he chose not to do them.

You are absolutely amazing! Great job on your personal success.