My goals for October. Inspired by Azzork's excellent goal setting.
I am going book shopping tomorrow. We have a huge used book store that is really fun, has everything. I am going to look for inspirational/uplifting/interesting biographies. Any suggestions? I am going to replace some of my "running around keeping busy" GAL with reading because I am exhausted.
I am also going to start juicing tomorrow. I will for the month of October make a very healthy veggie juice for one meal each day this month. Preferably breakfast, but if I can't do it for breakfast I will have the juice for another meal that day. I bought the ingredients this afternoon so I am ready to start. (apples, carrots, celery, beets, and some super green powder)
Also going to see 2 performances of "live music" this month ( I am loving watching bands).
I have been walking 3 miles every morning with a friend, we are kind of slow. We plan to increase our speed to under 14 minutes per mile next week. And then when we reach that we will reduce it to 13 minutes the next. Who knows, we may end up running eventually.
I will actively look for a job this month. I started a conversation last week with a hiring manager and she kind of disappeared on me this week, so I will track her down and talk further. If that doesn't pan out, I will do a full on search elsewhere.
I will keep up with Church and church activities.
I will keep up with my girls' nights out. I will reduce them a bit though because I am drinking too much. 2 nights a week is good.
I will do some light weights and ab exercises- Mon- Wed- Fri. Starting today. I have the equipment, just need to use it. I have a good and quick routine that is very do-able, I just need to do it.
I am also going to get a "makeover" - I am not the best at makeup application, I am going to get a lesson from the makeup counter lady- and start wearing a little more makeup. Also getting a new hair style.
I will continue with my voice lessons this month. Might quit after October, I am facing the reality that I am not a singer. LOL. Might switch to guitar.
We (H and I) go to a big halloween party every year and I usually wear whatever I can pull together at the last minute. Usually a witch. This year I am going to wear a sexy costume. Totally outside my comfort zone. I am thinking maybe Marilyn Monroe? Haven't decided yet.
The dynamic is correct, yes your H is trying to resolve his Abuse and FOO (Family of Origin) issues in my opinion.
The resolution of his childhood trauma by projection. There are a couple of great TED talks on childhood abuse. There are markers called ACES which are indicators of the level of childhood neglect.
The more complex issue is his parents reaction, I am assuming benign neglect and ignoring his childhood trauma. There are a number of reasons why this happens, firstly the parents assume the abuse is made up or misunderstood by the child, in 'olden' days of yore this would be typical. There was a perception that abuse was a stranger danger effect too, this is ignorance and indcisio. The current view is protect the child so that may be what they are thinking now. That child is a grown man.
Secondly the parents may not ever have understood the sitch and were paralysed, afraid to upset the apple cart, cause a rift in heir lives, lose their child.
Thirdly they deliberately ignored it as if participating. This seems least likely.
This may help H heal a little bit and repair his rift with his parents, he may see they care but were misguided. It's unlikely to do as much as damage as you think, if H reverts to teenage status as would be usual in healing FOO then he wil be rebellious. Tell a teenager with rebellion not to do something and they do.
If I were you Photo, I would just go "so........."
Let this one go, no resentment, you have seen the dynamic. The most important thing is healing H of his FOO even if that is only for his children to be a better dad.
Healing is going to make him healthier, an opening to repair may arise, let him take it. You could investigate the ACE score try googling got your ace score? ACES too high.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/02/1508:54 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you V. I just looked at the ACE test, and both H and I score a 4. He might be higher, since I took the test on his behalf, maybe more happened than I know about. I am a 10 for resilience. From what I "think" H would get a 0 on resilience. But I don't know, he'd have to take it, I am mind reading, based on what he used to tell me when he used to talk to me.
The thing with his parents. His mother is extremely self absorbed and his father a workaholic. I think it was neglect, not wanting to deal with issues, just being too busy in their own worlds to deal with him. FIL had cheated on MIL when H was young, and they were separated for awhile, and she was depressed and checked out. Plus even when she is checked in she knows no boundaries and is borderline narcissistic. Now they are older and they have less going on in their lives and smother their sons who they used to neglect.
The hard part for me with them bonding with H is that they are raging against me and they all seem to get energized from this. They fuel each other and I am the bad guy. I have stayed out of it. Several months ago I asked H to stop this kind of talk about me with them and he refused. About a month ago I asked him again and he agreed. He is still talking to them every day, still seems angry and distracted when he is coming off a call with them.
But H is leaving the room less to take calls, leaving his laptop open with his "chats" up, so I am thinking maybe his talks with them are becoming more about every day normal things. Which IMO normalizes the relationship between him and them, and him and me. I don't need to leave the room to talk to my parents, why would I? I have no secrets and no secret agenda.
My D14 is very perceptive. She said the other day " When grandma and grandpa are here Dad is an even a bigger jerk than usual and I can't be around him. " And it is so true. When the IL's are here it is almost intolerable to be around H, he just acts really weird, distant and angry with them and clingy at the same time. It is hard to explain. He said it is all my fault that I created this dynamic between him and his parents.
I am not planning on interfering with his relationship with his parents, other than to ask that they not gang up on me. I explained to him that I don't discuss his faults and our problems with my parents and he seemed to finally get it. An example- MIL was calling me weekly after MC for months and asking me to explain why I said XYZ during counseling. And H was obsessed with an incident in which he claims I was a jealous wife- kept repeating the incident in MC. (truth be told, I was jealous, but it was IMO a normal reaction to the sitch. And not a pattern for me.) MIL suddenly claimed she had been there for the incident and told me she witnessed the whole thing and my behavior was shocking. She was not there!
So V, do you think he is on the right track with his R with his parents? You think talking about me is something I should just forget about? His mother has been been emotionally manipulating and tormenting me for 26 years. I am done with her and have decided it all rolls off me now, but she has been absolutely horrible to me. I feel like I was abused all this time and nobody gives a crap and I just need to let it go, but what about me? I can let it go for the sake of my H, but I did not deserve the treatment I received. I guess I just let it go. It is hard because I want someone to acknowledge the way I was treated. But what matters most is my H.
Thank you V. I will look up the TED talks.
I will bring the article to H's attention. I will tell him my counselor suggested it to me as I was abused too.
In response, if it was me, I would ignore it, acting as if.
The more concerning issue is the breach of MC, this I feel needs to be broached in the next MC session, if and when. This can be a barrier to MC.
Calling abuse generally won't help you, managing the sitch so the opportunities are minimised is better. We have review techniques before. You know the truth, have acknowledged it to yourself. So it's worthwhile looking to see how you can raise your emotional resilience score. The test measures the childhood counters and I think helpful for understanding of net ACES. If you read some of the original study results it's very interesting too. The ACE test is a good starter measure, and a quick guide.
I personally believe everyone should know their ACE score, mine is a 2, partly because of boarding school and being an ex pat. And the resilience is high for exactly the same reasons. I believe my WH score is a 4 or 5. It sounds very cold to say that you mentally ACE score others but I do. I have a wonderful friend whose ace is 7, it has had some really difficult life consequences for her as her resilience score is poor although improving.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I have always maintained that in your sitch at this point in time, you are in effect the 'business leader' of the family as far as emotional wellbeing and health is concerned. I still think that 'fits' best. I say leader and not managing director deliberately as you are herding cats rather than controlling sheep.
I scratched my head for emotional resilience resources for you and looked through my resource bank, there was a series of research projects in the UK resulting in a workplace toolkit on resilience by a company called Towers Perrin, it has web links in it to lots of resources. The project was eventually adopted as a government initiative in the UK. I am having trouble with links and losing posts at the moment so I am having to recommend googling if you can't find it then I will see what I can do otherwise.
Google Bitc.org.uk emotional resilience toolkit business action for health. Content is so-so but resources listed are worth exploring. There is loads out there on emotional resilience, at the root of it is love of self for self. That is something achieved on the inward journey to self, no one can do this for an adult. Repair, healing is our own gift to ourselves.
Did you use the cantering resource and has it been helpful. Some thing I can recommend in future?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/03/1507:02 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Photoka. Thanks for posting on my thread and I e just read through you'rs. I see the wonderful Vanillia is here and you couldn't ask for more compassion and understanding.
I don't have anywhere near the intelligence of Vanillia or her grasp of abuse so I'll just say from what I e read you seem to be coping and dealing with some really tough issues. Don't take to much responsibility for the M problems and Hs own problems We are all grown ups and have choices to make
Vanilla, I am still working my way through the resources you recommended to me. You have been a tremendous help. I think I am so emotionally and physically exhausted from these last 7-8 months that I am having trouble absorbing new information. I read for about 3 minutes and my brain gets "full."
Again you are helping me so much. I started reading about the leadership info, had trouble finding the audio, but I will go back to it and try again.
