There you go again worrying about the future and preoccupying your mind with matter of which you have no control of.
Yes, your wife checked out, yes she is going clubbing, but that is not your concern and none of your business.
And WTF regarding your children's future is bleak?!? You are their father and you take care of them, why should their future be bleak?!? Have you seen children in Somaila, Syria, Iraq? How dare you call your children's future bleak?
And again you go with the mind reading... Assumption is the mother of all fcukups... Don't do the mind reading. Really! No good can come out of it. I get you, dude, I reall do, but you are just burying yourself in self pity and you are doing yourself no favors.
Holding her hands and telling her you are sorry will not sway her. We have all told you that and yet you refuse to believe. So my suggestion is go ahead and do it. Grab her hand in the kitchen and spill your soul to her. I know you have to get it out of your system, I know the uncertainty is eating you inside. So, do it, get it out of your system and be done with it.
You are doing quite well for the stage you are in (being 4 months post BD), sure you could be doing a lot better, but you will get there.
The other thing I want to say is that at some point I realised my own desires and impulses were not going to serve me well in trying to save our M. By those I mean the impulse to talk to H, tell him I love him, hug him, hold his hand, tell him we could work this out.
I realised that the wealth of experience on this forum, the knowledge of those who have been through this and MWDs own wise approach were going to be the way to go. Those were much more likely to save our M than what I sensed. So, I decided to suspend my own judgement and follow DBing to a tee.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Ok decide on the stfu smoothie and not to say anything to w
Mornings are defiantly the hardest part for me so will look at shelf help books and meditation as ways to take my mind off things
Sotto thank you for checking in then dropping back with even more help
Vapo the point you made about her going clubbing and it not being my business I have to see this ....yes on paper we are married but I cannot control her and what she is going to do or not do ......during our marriage I guess I was controlling she would not go out clubbing did not want to upset me
Thank you both feeling better Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I know EXACTLY my problem and that is my W is still at home we are arround each other quite a lot of the time we still do plenty together today it was lunch at a small itialien two days ago we watched a movie on,TV ....we watch Tv box sets together several nights a week we do a family day out most weekends with the kids she cooks for me and the kids as I do for her and the kids I do my share of the house work
The problem is NOT that your W is still at home. The problem is you. You are in-house separation, but you are continuing as nothing is different. What is your payoff? I can see hers, but what is yours?
Quote:
I do not want to distance myself from my wife pull away .....stop doing this -^^^^^ But if I don't then BOMB DATE TWO WILL HIT and I have no idea how I will cope with this
The problem is......you don't wanna. You are afraid and co-dependent. You continue to say it's too hard. DBing isn't about what you want to do. It's not about taking the road that feels easier.
I really can sympathize about losing your father. I was 41 when I lost my dad, and nothing was ever the same again. He was a man's man. He was a part of the Greatest Generation......and he was my hero. Even as I write, I am emotional about him. How much your recent loss of your father and the fear of losing your W could be linked, IDK. I don't know if you have always had racing thoughts and continued to spin around, going over the same old stuff again and again. IMO, you need to seek another professional to help you get control of this issue.
It's okay to vent your frustrations, fears, and concerns on the board. Just personally speaking, I feel you are getting the same advice over & over, but you won't do it. So, it's like being on a merry-go-round. You are stuck, spinning around and getting nowhere.
It's odd. I have noticed many H's, much like you, give good advice to others. But, applying it to your own situation is very hard.
You are not helpless, Ghost. Stop being your own worst enemy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ghost One thing i have noticed in my own situation that may help you.
You have identified this is not all your fault. Why continue to want to apologize to her and tell her how great it can be now? This just reassures her that she is doing the right thing because you caused this, and now it is too late that you want to be better. We know it is not your fault. She is battling her own stuff and as long as she is able to blame you she will never get through. For the future thoughts, why not picture the future you want instead of the future you are fearing? Seems silly right now right? So does trying to predict the future as being bad. You dont know!
This is all hard but really try.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I was not that close to my father so loosing him did not affect me very much at all Yes I grieved his loss but nothing like this. Loosing my w well this is different much much harder to come to terms with.
Yes I have to make a choice to detach ...how,do I do this when she is being nice friendly yes her pay off is nice guy ghost me I have lost my W lover but retain my friend
Otw I do think that part of the marriage breakdown was caused by me but not all of it in her mind she does not own any of it ...she says it was because of me not doing enough and not spending the evenings with her and not spending quality time with the kids So yes I know I cannot fix her or make her love me she wants out the marriage i cannot make her stay this is her choice I do not think it should be me to put the house on the market she wants out then this is something she can do.
Yes I will distance myself from her yes I will try to DB like I should have been
Thanks for everything evey ounce of help really does help me now as my post says I will try to keep working on ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
her pay off is nice guy ghost me I have lost my W lover but retain my friend
Ghost - Maybe this is your problem.
Right now, she is NOT your friend.
What if one of your other friends treated you like this - lying, cheating, ignoring, etc, etc. Im sure you wouldnt be doing everything to win them back...
Ghost, detaching is hard. I thought I had detached but then found myself back at square one, and now working on it again. It is very hard.
What helps me to detach is that I think of the most outrageous things H has said or done to me. When I think about some of these things it becomes very obvious to me that this is not about me, it is all about him, and unfortunately some of these things he has said are so pathetic that it makes my stomach turn and then I am able to detach. It helps me to depersonalize what he is saying. I think for me that is one key to detaching, but it is still focusing on him, so that is probably why my periods of detaching don't last long.
So I am looking for a way to turn my attention to myself in combination with observing H in a depersonalized manner. My GAL activities haven't done that for me, they keep me busy so I am not obsessing over H, but have not helped me with detachment.
Posting here helps. Playing with my children helps. Maybe because these are outlets for the emotional connection I am seeking that H is not available to provide right now. I tried flirting with an old boyfriend and I can tell you that if I kept that up that would have helped me detach! But would have lead me down a path I wasn't looking for. Probably why our spouse's are detached if you think about it. They found a connection elsewhere.
You are hard on yourself Ghost. We all struggle with this, you will get it eventually. If I figure it out I will give you some tips.
W is going out tomorrow night clubbing it has been arranged however I do not really want to be at home seeing her getting dressed up perfume on markup on tight jeans etc knowing she is going out to have fun it will upset me seeing this
We Cannot get a Babysitter so my options are
A) go out before she goes out take the baby and my sons to my mums so I do not have to see her getting ready B) stay in stfu and try not to get upset
Do I say something to her like " sorry but I have to go out as watching you get ready to go out knowing you are clubbing is going to upset me " or do I say nothing
Thanks
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
