RD Movin on 10

[rd500]

Hi all. Thanks for checking in. Back from hols and kids and I had a great time. Myself and youngest three went and we did everything possible and loved the place. First time there and it was like we had landed on the moon. The whole place is volcanic rock and not s blade of grass to be seen. Weather was fantastic and enjoyed by us all Hire car took some getting used to because they put the steering wheel on the wrong side and not only that but they drive on the wrong side as well !!! Foreigners !!! Up early every morning and in to the pool Great start to the day hotel was all inclusive so S16 thought he had gone to heaven !! Three or four plate fiulls at every meal !!! Strolling along the beach at 12 at night in a t shirt and shorts !!!!!

Very tearful send off from EXW and it was awkward as she seemed to expect a hug but i jumped into drivers seat and accepted her farewells from a distance. She called 3' times before I got to the airport , all about nothing.

D11 text EXW everyday but the other two didn't. On the third day I got a text saying she hoped we where having a great time but she was disappointed not to get texts. I sent her 6/7 pictures of the kids getting on submarine and looking over the edge of a volcano , etc and she thanked me. Got one telephone call about kids and 1'other text to wish us a safe journey home

We got home with takeaway and EXW was home making dinner. Maybe stayed about two hours and left. She had cleaned the whole house which was nice. Before she left
She asked my opinion on her car insurance which had gone up. Her car is insured with the company that my company spends about 20k a year with so I called my contact and got her premium reduced by 20%. Looking back I maybe shouldn't have got involved but I would do the same for a customer or friend ( and have done )

EXW also asked me about a gas bill which she's not sure how it was calculated. I did offer to look at tit I will remind you all that EXW does not take any cash from me when I have offered so I'm not sure why she would ask about a gas bill. Insuarncce yes , because i have contacts

She then went on for about 30mins about which new phone she should get as she has a free upgrade next week

All in all things much the same on EXW front and I feel she has accepted her lot. That's mind reading I know but it's how I feel. Things do change and I'm very lucky compared to so many on here.

Thanks to you all for checking in. Take care Rd

Link to links
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=36100

[PigPen]

Sounds like a great holiday Rd. Also sounds like you're making the best out of your sitch by focusing so much on the kids. That's all you can do and is the healthiest option all around, so well done.

Also sounds like XW knows she's missing out but has a disconnect as to why. She sounds sad from what you've written, I know the whole sitch is sad for all involved.

Keep putting your best foot forward and taking care of your kids. They know you're there for them despite the awfulness that's also happening.

Cheers,
PP

[rd500]

Hi PP. very greatful for the support its hard to know if she's sad or if it's the depression. I know mind reading does no good and I'm the first to point it out to others I must follow my own advice Kids are very easy to focus on as they are fantastic. My girls can't walk past me without giving me a hug , they sneak into my bed EVERY night about 3/4 am and my boys are fantastic S16 gives me a hug every night before bed and S20 is my strongest supporter I can't stress how lucky I am to have my kids and my heart breaks when I hear of others tales of part time parenting. You all amaze me with your strength and I'm not sure I could do what some of you do.

I also have huge support from mine and EXW family and while I don't contact EXW family I do receive calls and texts every now and then checking in with me

Like most I dwell on how easy it would be to repair the M if only we had tried but it's taken me almost a year to realise it was too late for EXW by then and she was done. We have all ended Rs at some point in our lives and can remember times when someone you no longer wanted in your life would not let go gracefully Now we are the ones that have been let go I think we need to show that grace even if it feels like it's killing us.

I read the DR and DB books often and while I whole heartily agree with them maybe some of us need more time than others to accept reality. I certainly did and was afraid to do anything that might appear to EXW as anti her even if it wasn't

Since I accepted that she's done I have moved forward, new car , new wardrobe , activities with the kids , sun holiday etc. I still treat EXW with respect and kindness but I don't answer calls if I don't feel like it. I answer texts when I'm ready and with a polite response Business like on all matters even if I'm helping

I can still say I love EXW She was a great W and mother up until 2 years ago and I can't dismiss that She keeps her private life quiet and still denies OM ( I don't ask but SIL did recently )

I won't go into detail because I'm not sure I would be believed at this stage but I was offered unusual relations with a near stranger while away and I only thought
that sort of thing happened in a certain movie Maybe it's the deodorant I wear because while I'm no Quasimodo I'm no George Clioney either !!!!

Thanks again for the support Take care. Rd

[Sotto]

Hi RD, I'm glad you started a new thread....and who knows, Pink may drop by and say Hello too. She'd better not be too long, because there's clearly a queue forming!

I'm glad you and the kids had such a good time. It sounded like a great trip. And of course, no holiday is complete without a proposition for 'unusual relations' from a stranger....

It sounds like you are doing well. As you say - new car, new wardrobe and so on. Whilst I'm sure you would love to see some movement, you are accepting things and finding joy in your life. I think that is what we all aim for.

As for your W....well, it's hard to say really. It sounds like a funny 'friendship' with OM. But who knows? She clearly isn't in a great place right now and it may take time, but something will shift at some point. But I think when you get to the point you have, it almost doesn't matter how much time it may take because you are living your life anyway.

Hope you have a great weekend my friend xx

[gonegrl]

RD, that must be some deoderant if a total stranger is offering unusual relations! LOL, you have me wondering about that one..... You sound like you are doing well. It is good to hear from someone who has made it through.

[rd500]

Hi photoka. Far from through it but it does get much better. I'm not sure if I was clear about unusual but I'm not talking about normal stuff here. I won't go into detail but this lady had read one to many recently popular books about a Mr grey.

I wouldn't have been surprised to get an offer , after all I am very charming !!!! But an offer like this , it rocked me and not in a good way

Thanks for posting. Rd

[Vanilla]

And what is wrong with a little kink?

Don't knock it till you have tried it......

At least 50 shades made me roar with laughter.......

On the local garden centre they had a sign 50 sheds of grey.

V

[Avanti]

So new car, new wardrobe, new you thanks to DB'ing, a holiday with those you love the most and an indecent proposal, what other things do you have on your mightily impressive tick sheet!? :-). How is the tan now that UK weather has had its input for a few days?

You aren't going to mind read your W and that's exactly right, it doesn't stop the rest of us offering observations though, right?

Your wife is demonstrating classic symptoms of depression, maybe mild to moderate but depression all the same. Only she can find her way out of that and she has to want to before her healing will commence.

I am starting to see a common thread in a number of sitch's I am following and it's making me wonder that when these couples were first getting together, a long time or not so long ago, how intricate must the dance have been? But usually when something significant happened (a concert, a long day trip that took planning, a school/college trip or disco...) it led to a coming together or at the very least a major step forward in that relationship.

Things have moved on in their R's and stuff's been said and bellowed at times plus well meaning friends have used platitudes and well worn phrases so those who haven't turned to forums or books or coaches are all at sea. Maybe thinking what have they done, what can I do and they end up feeling hopeless. If they are with an OM or OW, they think they are happy and that there is no way back, but is the happiness real or forced?

What they may need is a spark in their life or a lighthouse. The trouble is that they are probably mind reading those of us who are lighthouses and are potentially thinking, he/she won't want me, he/she's moved on and I'm left behind, or are simply blinded by our lights...depressed people then allow such thoughts to go round and round on this and turn things into mental monsters.

Meanwhile we are taking good care of ourselves, watching someone who is rudderless and wondering if they'll ever get back on any kind of course.

All of this ends up creating a bit of a block on "stuff", each partner looking to the other for signs that the other partner doesn't know they need to exhibit.

We also can't be the rescue team for our S's.

Rd, you like many, including me, are detaching to take care of ourselves but are we spending so much time keeping ourselves under control, that maybe we make our sitch's in some ways immobile?

My perception is that the majority of the sitch's that are on the significant mend here are doing so as a result of something majorly unforeseen or significant, those that are making ever so slow progress have a theme of "same old, same old".

You know that I've been banging the no more mr nice guy drum, that stands for putting yourself first and getting your own needs dealt with first. A more recent book has suggested that a good row, clears the air as it gets stuff in the open.

What I'm saying is are we all scared of creating or aiding the growth of a potential seismic event (an argument, a conclusive and broadcasted contentious decision...) because we fear things will move the wrong way?

How many times in the past have you found that while it is stressful, a row or something significant in a relationship caused a shift?

I am not suggesting that we all go out and pick fights with our S's, at the same time I think we should use other popular psychology and think big in what we do.

A number publicly post their goals for themselves on here so we can see their progress, what is missing from each one is a date that they are aiming for to achieve a certain objective in their R. So while we are all congratulating one another on our progress, which is incredibly important, are we all helping one another ignore an elephant in the room a timing for getting things shifted in our R's?

This is rambling a bit (a lot) and it's your thread rd, so I'll stop now.

Why did I say all of this, you might be wondering? The way you've described things, you and your wife are in a dance and both are frightened to change too much in case it upsets the other. If she upsets you she may not see her kids, if you upset her she may take another step away from you. That's a stalemate, so set some lofty goals (published on here or otherwise) and go for them. Be brave, be empathic, be compassionate and be decisive.

Does any of it make any sense, or is mr fixit coming back to the fore with a new disguise?

[rd500]

Hi Avanti. Thanks for the post. I think you are completely right I have a friend that's been through a year long seperation 10'years ago. He went to great lengths to recover and spent a great deal of money. He basically let go He was kind , generous even but he most defiantly let go. He said to his partner that while he hoped she found happiness in the future he hoped it'd was with someone who loved her as much as him She returned 2 months later and my friend , while very pleased didn't mind which way it could have gone

With EXW and I , it is indeed a dance of sorts. I do not contact her in any way unless it's in response She has text me only two weeks ago over D14 being v upset that she's sorry for all the hurt she's caused and often wonders how the hell we got to this situation. I didnt respond. EXW has in the past few months told me she hates her self and loves us all more than anything I didn't respond.

She denies OM to all her friends and family and has told my Ds that he is not a friend and not a nice person. EXW.has come forward on lots of occasions but I don't feel it's for the right reasons. I feel it's guilt and shame She left the marriage after 25'years. She has left her kids and her old life behind and now is on anti Ds, which she told me that if she had been on them 2'years ago none of this would have happened

EXW has herself said that she hopes something big happens and it will resolve all this

I have accepted its over but deep down I do feel she will want to return to the family unit one day but that day is very far away

Thanks for posting Take care. Rd

[Sotto]

Hi RD, I think that's the key - to get to that place where you accept and are truly okay with the fact it may go either way. I once read about someone saying they would gratefully accept either outcome, and that always stayed with me. They stated it in more religious terms, and I'm not a believer, but I appreciated the outlook on things.

I suspect that your W may well want to return to the family unit at some point. I certainly don't feel that bridges have been burned from your end and I feel that you have shown a great deal of understanding, whilst not getting drawn into her dysfunction. Whether she has burned bridges from your perspective is up to you. In my sitch I struggle with the thought of overcoming all that has passed. I imagine many feel the same. Equally, I would like to think I can be as forgiving as the next person....I guess time will tell on that one.

I agree that your W is in denial with close family and friends. It is strange to tell others that OM is not a nice person or a friend.....but he does (or has??) share her bed??! I keep coming back to that....what's that all about then?? I imagine your W (when she becomes more healthy) will tire of what OM offers (we're not really sure what that is - a project? Another person in a mess too?) At that point, I think much depends on your approach.

Equally, you are at a similar point to me (apart from H filed for D) and it seems reasonable that you live your own life to all intents and purposes. Whether that includes dating is up to you - but I think fairness to the datee is critical there....otherwise - live your life and have some fun. But maybe stay away from strangers offering unusual activities...

Anyway - hope you have a fabulous weekend with those kiddos RD xx