Spent a few hours today with the WW. We laughed, joked, went shopping and did some house work at the old house. When I first got to the old house she was in a mood, so I gave her a hug. While hugging her she said "Ok, that's enough, I am going to start crying..." This house was our dream home, it was where we planned to grow old together and now it's empty and about to be put up for sale. I just said "I get it, maybe a good cry is what you need..." and she followed with "I don't cry anymore, I spent years crying about my life, now I am happy!" and said it with such conviction that I ALMOST believed her.
At one point she poked me and I chased her around the house, jokingly. I caught her and she was against the door, her hands grabbed mine above her head and I stared in her eyes. For a few seconds I was about to move into a kiss (which she was expecting), instead I let her go and backed up.
Soon after that, she got into it with me about me separating things. Meaning, she isn't invited to the Birthday party for my daughter, holidays with my family, etc. She wasn't amused by this, but I refuse to let her be a cake eater. So while she was in another room I left without saying a word.
Everyone who knows her or us says that she is conflicted, that she is upset about me dating someone (even though she has a BF) and that it's all becoming so much more real to her.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
I don't know how you do it man... How you can resist it is inspiring. I hope to get that chance to resist.
Pinn, it's not that hard really for me at this point. I love her, but I refuse to get back on the roller coaster with her. I know she is having problems, but I will not be her friend or "part time" family member.
For years I walked on ice with her, anything that I said/did that she did not like, would turn into a giant fight. She is upset mostly these days because I refuse to engage in fighting with her. Anytime she starts picking one, I just walk away, hang up the phone or say something like "nope, not happening" and change the subject. I do not live by her rules or let her make decisions that affect my life. She is realizing quickly that she has little to no power over me and it's driving her crazy.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
I don't know how you do it man... How you can resist it is inspiring. I hope to get that chance to resist.
Pinn, it's not that hard really for me at this point. I love her, but I refuse to get back on the roller coaster with her. I know she is having problems, but I will not be her friend or "part time" family member.
The fact that it is not hard is what is inspiring. I think I am doing OK but if I was in that same situation you describe, the result would have been very different. Keep on keeping on!
I agree with pin about having different results at the stage I'm at. I would have prolly been toungue deep in her throat! Haha All joking aside it would have been hard to be holding her hands, looking into her eyes and not go in for a kiss...
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Thanks! I do believe that it's just temp checking on her part more than anything. Every single time something like that happens and I pull away, it just shows her that I am done.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
I really like reading your situation. Especially this big part of me that seeks Hollywood justice. It sounds like there is still some love and passion there, but it also sounds like you may be right. She is trying to figure out a way to regain her control over you. Why is she saying things like that to you when she has a boyfriend????
You are doing amazing at this. I'm going to reread your thread (even though our situations are a bit different). Can I ask you how you were able to detach? It seems like you did a lot of GAL (difficult for me cause of kids) . But there is a mental component to it as well, that I'm trying to figure out.
Did you make mistakes with her within first couple of months of BD? Do you think that WAS can sense true detachment from faking it.? Do you feel like Your dating someone pushed things along faster? (Something I am not ready for, and would not do cause I don't think or have proof there is infidelity on his part but just curious).
Thanks Julie!
Last edited by JulieH; 10/03/1505:03 PM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
The first few months I was a wreck. This hit me like a ton of bricks, we were getting along fine (in my opinion), we had just gotten back from a very over due trip together and were planning our next trip. Then BOOM. She denied an affair (lie), she denied lying about her where abouts (lie), she denied everything saying she was just done. In the end, everything came to fruit because she got sloppy.
I begged, cried, pleaded and whined for her to come back. I sent flowers, wrote poems, tried to spend time together as a "family", looked at pictures, you name it, I did it. In the end I started reading the books and practicing certain techniques. I gal'd like my life depended on it (it did) and focused on myself and the kids over her. I deleted her on FB when she moved out (V-Day, came home to an empty house), quit talking to any of her friends and moved forward in life. It was tough to do, I cried a lot. But slowly I would go a few hours without thinking about her, then a few days, then all of a sudden she didn't pop up at all.
I do love her, we do have passion for one another, but sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes the hurt can't be fixed. Sometimes you have to move on and cut your loses.
I do believe she can sense me detaching, but she lives in a dream world. Even though I have been dating here and there, she didn't think I was moving on. Instead she convinced herself that I was pining for her after all this time. Now she realizes it's not the case and is having a hard time with it. One of Sandi's rules say to agree that the marriage is terrible, which I did (after months of begging) and I KNOW that flipped her attitude around. Because I spent months saying different. At first I didn't think that it would be possible to do so, because I didn't agree with it. But I now realize that it's also a tactic to get you through it. Say it enough and you will believe it.
You are fairly new to this, the biggest thing that I have learned is to breathe, think about what you want to say before you do it AND make sure that the kids do not suffer.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Eyeytie is basically living my wet dream at the moment. I just want some temp checking so I can resist it. I followed many of the same things he has and I am def getting there. Deleting her on FB is just huge along with the no contact. I def think about her everyday but it is less and less for sure. I am starting to look at women in a different way now too... which is both scary and intriguing.
