Still riding the waves

[HaWho]

Your strength comes across Mleigh! Savor the joy with your son. He must be quite proud, too!

[ciluzen]

Mleigh!
I just came across this thread. Our situations sound so similar. Two years, though. Wow. My journey has just begun. You sound so strong and seem to be growing. All I can add is my support (and awe)as you continue on with your journey.The advice you are getting from Caliguy and Job and others seems very helpful to you as well as we who are following your story. Cheering you on from the sidelines.

[mleigh4]

Hi Ciluzen, thank you for stopping by. I will read up on your sitch and too send you my support! The advice on here is priceless, it's these people here who have gotten me through this in one piece.

So updating...all I can say about this last week is I am wiped out!! To make a long story short....

My cousins dog peed on my new carpet and caused me to have to sleep on my couch for 3 nights. After several attempts of cleaning it, I am getting quotes to have it professionally cleaned, offered by my cousin. My back is killing me from sleeping on the couch.

I attended a meeting for an advanced after school program that my son qualified for and he excitedly signed up for half the classes. Science, clay art and guest speakers/field trips. Fun fun!

I celebrated my 20 year anniversary with my company on Thursday. They took a group of us to San Francisco for lunch and I got a little financial bonus that S and I are using some of to upgrade our laptop.

My mom and I got in a lovely spat this week, it came up how distant we are...I told her that I know she has been there for me as much as she is capable of, and same goes for me.

My MIL once again forgot to tell S's after school program that she picked him up from school, so they have to track us down to let us know S did not show up. so I let H know what has been going on and that Grammy day is just not working.

Which brings me to H. He has been his chipper and friendly self. He actually called instead of TM the other night to let me know he was dropping off S to a bday party Saturday night, which I already knew. Tonight, he TM a pic of a skooter S wants for Christmas and threw in there that Santa might be getting me one too....So, perfect opportunity for me to reply my holiday thoughts. I replied that I was confused by that, that so much has changed this year, that we live separate lives now and that I was not thinking we would be exchanging gifts or spending the holidays together. I added that we really should get that figured out.

Silence......

I have a hike planned with my girlfriends this weekend, a stack of papers to correct for S teacher, and the rest of the weekend for down time!!

[mleigh4]

Surprise, he replied. Said he was sorry, guesses he shouldn't have said that, he wasn't really thinking about that when he wrote it. He said he was just thinking that I would have fun riding a skooter with S. He added he did not mean that sarcastically, that he really was sorry.

I will just leave it at that.

[Sotto]

Hi MLeigh - wow, that's an eventful week! I'm not surprised you are tired!!

I think your reply to H was fair enough. It does sound as though his expectation was that you would still be 'family' for special occasions - but living separate lives for the rest. You don't feel that works for you, which is understandable. I imagine he may have felt hurt by your response and this may be why he hasn't replied - but I think it was important to get the whole holidays thing 'out there.'

Hopefully, you can have some discussion about what the plans will actually be for the holiday season, and then you'll know where you are at. I'm so sorry about your carpet - oi!! - professional cleaning sounds like a good plan to me and I hope you're pleased with the results.

Take care xx

[job]

I am so sorry to read about your carpet. A professional cleaner will clean that up for you as well as sanitize it for you. Try Stanley Steamer. I've used them a couple of times and the results were really good and trust me, I'm a very difficult person to please.

So, granny isn't working out. Maybe it's time to change this up totally w/granny. She's getting up in age and is having some issues w/memory and you don't want this to happen repeatedly this winter. Maybe she needs to visit w/grandson over the weekend when he's w/his father. Just a thought.

Poor h, still thinking that he can have the best of both worlds, i.e., holidays w/the family and still live as a single boy scout. I think you handled the situation about the gift giving quite well. He's going to find out that he can't have it both ways and what divorce will look like, if it comes to that.

It's important that the holiday issues get resolved because they are fast approaching. Hopefully things will get worked out and you and your son can have a nice holiday season.

Take care.

[mleigh4]

Thank you. I have thinking about this so much. It is so hard, I would love to have the 3 of us together, but not the way it is right now. I picture it and it just does not feel right. I can't even fathom buying him gifts...

I have finally come to a place where I realize and accept that H is no longer a part of my life. I can even say it and have to several people. It no longer brings a feeling of fear or grief, it feels more like it just is what it is. Certainly not by my choice, I feel I have done all I can do. It doesn't bring me down, I can say it in one sentence and laugh in the next. I never thought I could be here, I feel.....released.

My gutters need to be cleaned and I struggled with that one for a week. H usually does this every year, but I could not bring myself to ask. I also thought about him actually being here, which would probably lead to him wanting to take more things, or be Mr. Caring and nice and leave me frustrated....it's funny, I can imagine situations and the feelings that come across me make it easy to see what the clear answer is. Same with the Holidays. So I called a handyman and he is coming out next week. I still have money in the joint account that I use sparingly for these types of things so it's not just me paying for it

Job, IDK...his reply to me sounds like he is just fine with everything. Although, It would be just like him to sit back and let me call the shots, no matter how he really feels about it, with no expression of emotion, either agreement or disagreement, which leaves me feeling guilty and confused. PA at its finest.

We switch of S today and tomorrow. I got my chin up, we shall see how it goes......does he really think I would want a scooter???? I just can't wrap my head around that! Lol

[mleigh4]

Job, I just wanted to add one more thing that you touched on and that is the need for H to experience the feel of being divorced, to feel that he is really losing me and his family. I strongly feel it is time for him to truly see what this has done and what it will be. I think about it so often. I have been way to enabling throughout this whole situation.

The tough part is that I too experience it, but I feel strong enough now...and it just feels right. I also know this really may be what H wants, but either way, it brings us closer to being able to move on with our lives.

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - I think one of the things that makes your sitch so hard, is that your H does seem so very sweet. There is such an innocence about him. You certainly seem to have a little boy on your hands.

Nice work telling your H your thoughts about the holidays. Keep taking care of you and your son.

[lost11]

Mleigh,

I am new to all this dbing stuff, so I don't have much sage advice to offer.

It seems like you are doing well. Good for you for letting your h know how you feel. I think at this point it is important to do what feels right for you.

I think it is easy to enable the WAS. I know for me, I have just been following his wishes not contacting him and giving him the space he wanted.

Take care and good luck with the holidays.