Still riding the waves

[mleigh4]

Had a decent and quiet week, but feeling a bit blah the last couple of days.

Monday night, I had asked H if I could run with S by the Halloween store that is near his place on my way to drop S off. H had said sure and that he would like to meet up with us there. Sure enough he followed through. We picked out some fun stuff. H helped S to pick out a costume. At checkout, I suggested splitting up the costume from the party items. H said why? That we would be together on Halloween. I pointed out that the bucket load of stuff I was getting was for the party. He said Oh, was quiet for a moment, then said, well I want to come to the party!? He had the person ring it up and paid on the joint card that we split.

I decided on Tue to reach out with a random text asking if he got his new phone. He responded right away that no he had not. I just felt like testing a random text out....to see

Had a mountain lion sighting on the street next to us. We have large lots with no fences near the foothills. We get turkey and many deer, which brings the mountain lions. But we have never had one so close! Don't worry Job, I am being extra cautious with the fur babies! That info I TM to H, but got no response.

Last night I had a work dinner party to attend. Smooze time with real estate agents. All was fine until the DJ started with that horrible wedding music, you know what I mean, those same old songs you have heard a zillion times. Anyway, not my type of dance music. I was getting a lot of sass for being a wallflower, I just was not in the mood! Brought on a little anxiety, I was happy when we finally left. For some reason, H was heavy on my mind, was watching other couples and feeling envious....

Today, I made a big move....I got my OWN Costco membership! H is on daddy's account and I always need him to take me...but no more...NOW H will know I mean serious business

But really, I joke, but I really feel like I am slowly cutting those little ties...where I am no longer dependent. Feels really good!

Not much in plans this weekend. I have S and we will decorate and get ready for our party next weekend. However, like I mentioned, feeling a little blue. I have these moments when I so miss H, miss having companionship, miss having someone to hang out with and talk to. And I just feel SO OVER THIS! Sipping my glass of wine...alone

[Sotto]

Hi mleigh, sorry you've been feeling a bit blah. I find that comes and goes for me. Sometimes, I can be forging ahead and feeling strong, and others it just gets to you. And as time goes on, sometimes I just get tired of the whole situation. But I guess if we just keep moving forwards, we'll get there.

It sounds as though things are going pretty well with your H and good that he wants to participate in some of these events for special occasions. It is interesting that he does appear to presume you will do things like that as a family. As you have posted before, that's a bit of a hard line to tread sometimes. Is it another opportunity to connect? Do you want to start doing these things independently? I don't know what the right answer is, but as long as you can keep moving forwards, I think that is the main thing, and in time things will work themselves out in whichever way.

A mountain lion.....wow! I'm going to look up mountain lions now - don't think I have ever seen one. Yes, it's well worth a little extra precaution with those fur babies. Enjoy getting ready for your party and have a good weekend xx

[job]

We all get those "blah" days and then life sorts itself out once again. Feel those blahs and then let them go.

Sounds like Halloween is coming together at your home. I wonder if your h will dress up when he comes over to share the holiday w/you and your son. It will be an interesting evening for all.

Congratulations on getting your own Costco card. You no longer have to rely on your h to get the items or take you there to shop. Far easier to have your own card and go whenever you want and not have to go when your h wants to go, etc. Actually, your h propbably won't pay too much attention to it because he'll just think it's easier for you to go on your own time.

You, your son and your fur babies have to be careful. Sounds like the mountain lion's food source isn't very good if he's coming into the neighborhood searching for food.

Enjoy your weekend of decorating w/your son. Hopefully you will feel better soon. BTW, are you dressing up for Halloween?

[mleigh4]

Hi Sotto. You are spot on with how the feelings come and go. I have found the best thing to do is let them play themselves out. Feeling better this morning.

And yes, H completely presumes that we will spend holidays and birthdays together, and the rest of the time living separate lives. This seems to be working great for him! I used to hope for these get togethers, then appreciated them as it gave me hope, and now 2 years into it, starting to get a little annoyed by them! It may work for him but not so well for me.....I do not want to live much longer like this but for now I let these times play out. I plan on letting him know how I feel about it soon, by Thansgiving and Christmas. Just going to voice how I feel with no expectations from him. It's time. I am ready and willing to spend those holidays separate....I have no desire to spend them with his family, sad to say.....I feel very disconnected from them all, especially since they all act as if everything is normal.....we will see....

Mountain lions are very common here in Cali. They are basically harmless to humans but do go after livestock and, during droughts, follow the prey into neighborhoods. Being a cat lover myself, I think they are beautiful animals. I just don't want one snacking on my dog or cat!

Hi Job. The party is actually a jammie party for S and his friends because it's also a sleepover. No costumes, we are very untraditional! I have a couple of my friends coming by too, so it will be a good chance for H to catch up with them. I am very curious to see if he even comes and how it will go.

I think Costco will be a zinger for H....He seems to enjoy when we all go together, it's like an outing for us and fun....it may even hurt his feelings.....but I have wanted us to have our own membership for a long time and H always insisted that being on his dad's was just fine. There are benefits to being a member that we have been missing out on. I am looking forward to them! Anyway, we can still go shopping together, but for me it's taking an independent stand and cutting another string.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend

[kml]

Mountain lions are not harmless to humans! My friend's aunt was killed by one while jogging in a park in Northern California.

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - kudos to you on getting your own Costco card. As H seems to have a comfy situation there, I am curious to see how he reacts when he invites you to Costco and you say: I went yesterday! Lol!

It really is strange how they just assume they can have everything just so. Really, it's the same lack of self awareness that a kid has.

[CaliGuy]

M

Sounds like you are well grounded and getting to that point where it's like you are looking at your life from above .... Least that's how it felt for me, was just about this time last year where like you I decided to do my own things/new traditions for the holidays

Hard telling (and no use wasting time thinking about it long) what will spark some movement one way or the other but reading you it does look like you are pushing here and there to see what your science project will do, (random text/Costco card) and that's not a bad thing.

You've got this

[mleigh4]

KML, so sorry to hear that about your friends aunt.

Hawho, I too can't wait for H to ask about Costco. Might seem dumb, but I am really excited about having my own membership!

Cali! I miss you around here, hope things are well with you and your family. Yes, I am doing some testing here and there since I am no longer so scared of the outcome. Rejection has become my middle name, so an unanswered text is a breeze now! The holidays are haunting me, I am so unsure of what to do, but I still have some time. My goal is to find a way for him to deal with his choice of living separate lives, but still make it clear that I am still here with door ajar, and then you sprinkle in that mix of what is best for S!! Not easy.

Decorated house yesterday, there is Halloween stuff everywhere! Lol, S is loving it. It is like we are living in a Halloween store right now.

Got random text from H yesterday, I do not normally hear from him on his free weekends. He was letting me know how much he hates his new Apple phone he got for work....which BTW I don't think I have mentioned this here....My mom and I decided to buy some random stocks about 20 years ago and Apple was one of them. As you know, the stock is doing great! I am planning on using this money someday towards S college fund. H used to be really happy for me, but as our R got worse, he started bashing Apple all the time and scowling if I brought up the stock....really strange,...I know it sounds crazy, but he gets emotional and angry when he talks about Apple, like it's a reflection of his anger towards me...He goes out of his way to let me know how much he dislikes Apple....IDK, maybe I am just sensitive....

ANYWAY, he bashed then reconfirmed that I will have S next Saturday night for our party and asked how we should handle switching the day since it is his night. He also let me know he was able to get himself a new personal phone through his IT guy at work and should have that by Tuesday.

I replied back that the Apple Android battle seems to be a personal choice for everyone, that I support Apple for S education fund! ( In the future, I am just not going to respond to his bashing, it's silly. )

I also responded that it's up to him on how he wants to handle the S day switch (not being controlling here! 180 for me) I had spreading given him a big thank you for letting us switch that night, I want to make sure I do again. I also let him know I was glad to hear he was getting a new phone and that it worked out.

No response, back to silence. Lol. I swear, the thought that goes through my mind is yes H, I am still here, you can go back to your world now.

S and I had a blast playing WII together last night. We got quite the workout!

Going to build my grave yard in the front yard now. (Que spooky laugh here!)

Have a Happy Sunday!

[Sotto]

Hi Mleigh, glad you are excited about the Costco membership. It's good to find things that give us a buzz & who cares what it is!!

Interesting what you say about the H anger directed at Apple (but perhaps at you?) Recently I remembered an incident not long before we S with my H (and what you posted reminded me of that.)

I had been out and bought us a nice new oven glove - quite an expensive one. First time H used it, he apparently burned himself. He was really mad about it and he opened up the kitchen bin and rammed the new oven glove in. I was a bit shocked at how angry he was - not like him at all. TBH, he was so mad at the glove I didn't dare put it back out again - felt I might be minimising the fact that he got burned with it. More recently I thought that maybe he wanted to get angry at me, but that wasn't 'allowed' in his mind - so he got angry at the glove I bought instead.

As for Apple - well I certainly love my Apple products and I'm helping out there with the college fund shares

Enjoy the rest of your weekend xx

[CaliGuy]

Lol.... Ok truth be told I was an Android guy for a long time, all the gadgets we've ever squired I was the Goto guy and W would typically ask but often get what she thought was "pretty" .... Then it would be junk soon after and I would give her the " I told you so " look. I can't recal how or why but I made the jump from android to Apple ... I was pretty impressed but had to contain that as W let me have it often .... Soon after the MLC kicked in so I think she's forgotten all about it thankfully .... Lol