Still riding the waves

[ciluzen]

MLeigh,

You are so strong. I like how you are able to get into a healthy mindset about your R...what works and what doesn't for you.

Because I refused to leave from our family home when my H said we should be "done", I'm in a family home in the country by myself that in no way could I afford on my salary (I would struggle in a studio apartment on my salary). So my H pays for it (guilt about leaving? Sense of responsibility?)and feels the need to come caretake. You hit the nail on the head, though when you brought up how H being the nice guy and helping out leaves you in an emotionally bad place each time.

It is encouraging to read your story and how you took taking care of the gutters into your own hands by hiring someone. I would like to do the same for some of the jobs that I cannot do here on my own, but since H is a do-it-yourselfer and is paying the bills, I fear that it might cause some anger. Do you think maybe that is important, though? He has been cool and calm even when I'm emotional (still trying to get a handle on that).I almost feel its worth it to help me detach not to have to have him help out or have me see him so much. I get sick to my stomach with thinking about him and replaying thoughts after each time I see him.

[mleigh4]

Hi Ciluzen,

Thank you for the kind words. It has taken me a long time to figure out what works for me and what doesn't. You have to do a lot of trial and error!

As for letting your H do things around the house.....one thing I have learned is that there is no right or wrong. You need to do whatever works for you. I have seen many posters on here allow their spouse to continue taking care of their home. It actually used to comfort me, it held some kind of hope for me, that he still cared about home....but so many things have changed for me that I no longer feel that way. If it leaves you feeling the emotional downer, why don't you try either fixing something yourself or having someone do it? See how you feel....and see how H reacts. Remember, it's all trial and error, like a test. As Caliguy would say, like a science experiment!

Weekend update...

Took S to drop off with H Saturday. It was 2:00 in afternoon and H clearly hadn't showered, had crusties in his eyes, and he was drinking coffee. Rough night!? He talked and talked about his work, how stressful it has been....I did a good job of just listening. I went home and MADE myself rest, planned a quiet night with myself to watch movies. I got a text from "sleepover" friend inviting me to eat with him, and attitude for ignoring his text from the night before. I bluntly asked him to please stop with the texts, that my S sees them, that it looks bad and that I just don't want anymore misunderstanding. He replied with a verbal attack, F word and all, the exact reason I don't want him texting me.

My MIL called to discuss her Grammy day. My son asked for my help to make this work so he can keep his Grammy day, so I asked her what I can do to help to remind her to contact me and aftercare on this day. She got a little annoyed with that, but promised me that she really has been trying and will continue to.

My mom also called and I hung up on her after 2 put down comments to me....so my quiet restful Saturday night had some hiccups, but you know what? I laughed it off, watched a good movie and slept like a baby.

This morning I woke up and went on a long walk with my girlfriend in the rain. We both loved it! Followed by breakfast and mimosas!

H brought S home this afternoon. I noticed a possible leaking pipe in the front of the house and asked him if that ever leaked before. He knew right away and said he had fixed it but it must be leaking again, that he would look at it. I told him I have a handyman coming out this week to clean the gutters and that I could have him look at it, but H said no, it's an easy fix not worth paying for, to let him fix it. I insisted that no, I was just asking for the history of it and that it's time I know this stuff to take care of it on my own. He again said he will fix it....Knowing stubborn me, I will have handyman look at if H doesn't get to it first....

HAWHO!! Guess what! H FINALLY asked me if I needed anything from Costco! Ahhh the sweet long awaited response of, "Oh! I got my own membership! But thank you (big smile)" His eyes popped open and he said to S, WOW. Mommy got her own membership!?? He got speechless for a few minutes...yep...Mommy means business...lol

So no further mention of the holidays. H is a last minute planner so not surprised there. I hope you all had a nice weekend.

[HaWho]

Ahh - the moment I have been waiting for, at long last - the Costco reveal!! Quite interesting that he talked about you in the third person when you were right there. And his speechlessness speaks volumes. Good job!

I wonder what changes you will see in him now your own changes for you are being conveyed to him. I do believe they think they can keep playing the walnut shell game with our lives and not think anything will come of it.

Nice work!

[mleigh4]

I wonder too. There is no doubt H is seeing that I am cutting ties one by one and learning to take care of things on my own without asking for help...bringing up spending holidays separate with no gift exchange....it speaks volumes not only to him but to myself and where I am at....

I too wonder if and or how this effects him.....

[mleigh4]

This morning when I was walking with my girlfriend, we talked about the text exchange about the holidays and gifts....she did not understand. She said she would take that as me pushing him away....

I told her that I too worry that this is the message I am conveying when as we all know I don't want all this, but then I explained to her, H fired me as his wife over 2 years ago and left me 9 months ago. He has cut me out of his life, does not initiate time together other than for special occasions and has not said one thing or given me a single sign that he wants to work on our marriage. Why would I want to spend my holidays with him let alone buy him gifts?

She thought for a moment, shook her head and said I was absolutely right....she said she could understand why I feel this way...

It's really hard to make boundaries while still trying to keep that door open!

[LouR]

Hi Mleigh

You are doing fantastically well, its not easy to take over responsibility for everything on your own and become independant, your figuring it out and getting really good at it, well done you!

As for pushing h away - I feel that's kinda the point, he will come to see that you don't need him ....that is not the same as you saying you don't want him .... he knows you want him, you have told him, so you can leave this one alone now, however the needing him, that takes a bit longer for you to get to grips with and for him to realise that its no longer the case.

Keep going my friend

[BrightFuture]

mleigh4, I wonder if you are truly ready to cut the ties off. It looks like you are in very delicate position. I wonder if the main motivation for you is to show H that you can be independent and that you don’t like this situation anymore. I’m not saying that you are doing it just for this purpose. You might genuinely believe that you are doing it for you. But you still expecting the reaction from H. I can see that from where you are it does look like your stich is going nowhere. What I see is that your H is still around and still shows some kind of interest in doing things for you and with you.

I have seen you being upset about things when you expected H to react in a certain way and he didn’t, making you think that he doesn’t care. I know the feelings… When they show some interest, but not enough, we pull away, thinking that this is not going to do it for us. When they pull away, we start thinking that we pushed too far.

This might be what you need to do in order to move in your stich, and I absolutely support you. You are doing great. I have no doubt that you will be fine either way, with H or without. I’m like you, constantly wondering how to keep the door open, but keep moving forward with my life. I hope what I said makes sense. I’m not in a position to give an advice, I just tried to express my opinion and what I see from the outsider point of view.

[mleigh4]

Hi Lou, you are so right and thank you for pointing that out to me. This is not so much what I want to do, but it's what I need to do. I am letting go of what I should do or not do for my marriage, I am basing my choices more on what works better for me. Spending time with H having fun, laughing, enjoying each other's company leaves me feeling....used, confused, frustrated, angry and sad. His niceness leaves me analyzing if it is because he cares, or if it's out of guilt and pity. With no reconciliation on the table, the less time I spend with him the better.

Bright---you are right. I am looking for a reaction and yes I get really annoyed when I don't get one! Lol. And yes, I am letting him know that his cake eating is not ok. You know me well! As you know, we have to try different avenues and different things to see what works and what doesn't. I have slowly been getting to this point and I really do know that I will be fine either way....cutting tie after tie feels right to me even though it is also painful. I am going to try this out for Thanksgiving, see how it goes, not just to see what H says about it, but to see how I handle it. An experiment of sorts....

Thank you both for your posts, I value your thoughts

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh, LouR and BrightFuture - interesting posts.

I too have thought quite a bit about balancing setting boundaries vs. keeping the door open. I think this is where AJ's advice about being ready to die on a hill comes into place.

For example, when H (in thick fog) asked me point blank to let him cake eat with an open marriage. Ahh--great memories those were--lol! That was a no-brainer for me. I was ready to die on that hill. I said no and if he walked, well, I didn't really "lose" anything. What would I really "have" in this crazy situation, after all?

Let's say the situation is a little more grey, like yours. You still have to be ready to die on that hill. Right? I think anytime you set a boundary you need to be okay with this concept.

Now, instead of looking at setting boundaries as potentially "closing a door" I kind of think of them as leading H down hallways toward my personal open door. First, I need to be sure I am making a boundary where I can die on that hill. If he leaves because I set MY boundary FOR ME, I NEED to be okay with that/die on that hill. He has his choices and free will. But if he wants to be with me, my boundary is kind of showing him in which direction the open door is. If he turns around, I haven't really "lost" anything as I didn't want what was already there.

Ehhh, just another perspective.

[mleigh4]

It's a great perspective Hawho and makes a lot of sense. When a boundary is set and a choice made, you need to be prepared for any outcome....some are really easy for me (liquid plumber) and others not so much......

Thank you for sharing