You may not appreciate me for saying this, but I'm going to: He is controlling you, manipulating you, and revealing his blatant disrespect for you. Don't let him get away with that. He not going to value what he doesn't even respect.
My H was exactly the same. Nothing changed until I decided I wasn't putting up with it anymore. He didn't like it at first. Whining and accusations. But then, he began seeing me as a person again, separate from him. He's treating me with much more kindness.
Let him get mad. Your family's needs take priority over his juvenile attitude.
I agree with Ancaire as I can see he's manipulating you. You are going to have to set firm boundaries and sent him the letter regarding child maintenance. No matter what he says, they are his kids and he has to provide for them, not your family. He won't like it but though luck, he has to grow up and be supportive of his kids.
My H used to turn up when he wanted. One day he said he'd be late to see his kids (later found out that he was waiting his washing to finish, so he could hang it then come and see his kids), so I drove the kids to his place. OMG, he was so aggressive I couldn't believe it. Another time he tried again the same trick, now guess what he is on time to pick up his kids! Not a fast learner, but I won't tolerate him messing the kids and me about!
I don't want to be rude but by the sound of it he's already checked out, what have you got to lose by asking for financial support for his kids?
We all done things wrong in our life, and we can't change them, so no need to dwell on the past! Keep being strong for your kids. One step at a time and I can assure you that it'll get better.
Right now your H thinks you will do anything and everything to R. I made a big mistake with this. He won't change until he sees you are moving forward with your life and might lose you. Unfortunately, this may not change him, but he won't the way things are going now anyway. Just don't let him engage you in a fight about it. He will try. You need to stay calm and collected, but firm. If it gets bad, you have your L do the talking for you.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I know you guys are right. i know what it will lead to so I have to dot some Is and cross some Ts but it will have to happen sooner then later. I truly dont want the only thing keeping us in limbo to be because he does not want to pay child support or because he wants to accumulate resources. I would only be wasting my time. I've said before, once I know what I am dealing with I am capable of moving on. It's the limbo and hope that is hard.
He is checked out and I feel like I am kidding myself with the whole DR hope thing. He told me (during that recent conversation that I pursued by asking what he was doing) something along the lines of... after I yelled at him he was hurt and ready to move on, but then I was the one that asked for space so we can work on ourselves and he agreed because we both need to do that anyway. Why wouldn't he agree? More time to accumulate resources while I'm being a fool.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Not a fool, honey. Never that! You love your husband.
I have no idea why, but when our spouse's turn their backs on us, they become incredibly selfish, sometimes unbelievably so. We LBS just don't matter to them. No responsibility, accountability, or basic kindness and compassion. It just disappears. Sometimes it returns, but not until they begin to realize we are not what they convinced themselves we are.
That's why DB is so important. Do it for you, first. If H notices and wonders, great. Give yourself permission to heal. Being dependent on your family will not help with that.
He chose to leave. You choose to do what you need to care for the children. He will just have to get happy in the same pants he got mad in. This is his mess, no matter how he'd like to blame you. He can help clean it up.
Don't you even begin to take the blame for this. You're responsible for your part in the the relationship breakdown only, but you are not responsible for HIS CHOICE to leave. I said exactly that to my H.
"I completely own everything I did that contributed to this mess we're in. I'm sorrier than you can ever know. If I could do it all again differently, I promise you, I would change so many things on my end. I am not willing to take responsibility for YOUR CHOICE to leave the marriage. That's on you. I will NOT take the blame for that."
That's almost exactly how I said it. He was quiet for the first time in a long time when I made that statement. I believe it got him thinking.
I know how pathetic I look too. If I was watching this, I would think that I was crazy and think that the father is a real pos. I would be in the audience waiting for me to grow a pair. To stop being a victim and take some control of my life, instead of being the type of woman that sits ther and waits around for a husband and father who is being selfish. He deserves to not have everything so dammed easy as well. Who chooses gym and friends and running errands for his mother over spending even a little bit of time with children who will not be children for long?
But then I also see how horrible and destructive divorce can be. The whole process is Just revolting. I don't want to lose my children every other holiday and a minimum of 30% of the time (and let's be honest it's my mil who I will be sharing them with) . I don't want them going on great vacations without me there to share those memories. They are in school now so it is even less time I have with them. (I work a couple of evenings on top of that so I lose that time as well) I don't want them to ever have a step mother that gets to share raising them and gets to refer to them as her children. I am grasping at straws with this whole give him space maybe he will come back etc, but the loss of time with my kids to me is not worth the price of a winning lotto ticket. Its one of the worst things you could do to me.
Yes I am right on this matter and it angers me so much, but I worry that being right doesn't necessarily mean winning.
Last edited by JulieH; 10/02/1512:11 AM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
[ quote=JulieH]I know how pathetic I look too. If I was watching this, I would think that I was crazy and think that the father is a real pos. I would be in the audience waiting for me to grow a pair. To stop being a victim and take some control of my life, instead of being the type of woman that sits ther and waits around for a husband and father who is being selfish. He deserves to not have everything so dammed easy . [/quote]
I struggle every couple of weeks having to ask for money to cover his share of the bills. This last month of Sept he contributed nothing for the kids. My family thinks I am being a doormat .
Apology letter? I said that to his face. I was looking him in the eyes when I said it. I did make mistakes. I felt like I needed to own my part.
I hate Divorce!!! My kids are grown, and I am still willing to do my best to keep my family together. The only thing I refuse to do is go back to the marriage we had before. I won't compromise on that. However, I am willing to do whatever else I need to in order to avoid divorce. I've just accepted it may be inevitable, and forced myself to really look at how best to survive on my own if it came to that. I was NEVER happy with the idea. Above all, I want to be married to my H, but in a much healthier relationship.
There is no way on this earth you should ever believe you appear pathetic!!! You come across as loving, confused, uncertain, and longing for your husband. What's wrong with that? You are a LBS, barely 3 months out from BD. You're doing the best you can. You're here learning, sharing, and supporting others. That is fantastic!
I'm here to support you, share what worked for me, pass along ideas. I'm NOT here to judge. I don't think anyone is. You have to do what's best for you. It's easy for me to make suggestions, sure, but I'm not in your shoes. Every situation is both unique and similar. Each person deals with things as they are able. Only do what you are ready to do.
