No i did not link correctly. Maybe cause i was over 100 posts? Quick recap on my situation..
Husband left 3 months ago after a year of emotional detachment, health issues, financial stress and increased job demands. We had moved in with my family due to taking a big loss on house after job transfer. Our hope was to rebuild our savings and our new environment was meant to be temporary and short lived but ended up escalating our marital problems. (Although to be honest, our marriage had been slowly deteriorating since the birth of our twins 5 years ago) Our major issues was that I felt he was a workaholic and neglected family. I felt like all the child care responsibilities were left on me, and resented that he had freedom to sleep late, and basically come and go as he pleased.I feel like i cannot communicate with him. He felt like I took him for granted, was hypercritical, and too negative. He takes issue with my anxiety and needs for reassurance from him. He also complains that I did not meet his needs (mostly domestic)He denies OW and my gut tells me he is telling the truth although my anxiety and insecurity says different. Right now I am trying to be patient and stuck in limbo.
Thanks everyone for your support and advice.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Hope you don't mind me chipping in, but it looks like a total communication breakdown here. Do you feel a sense of disappointment? Have you expressed these feelings or do you feel you can't open up to him?
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hope you don't mind me chipping in, but it looks like a total communication breakdown here. Do you feel a sense of disappointment? Have you expressed these feelings or do you feel you can't open up to him?
Definatly. When we went to marriage counseling that was our main complaint. He actually initiated counseling. I think the problem with the counseling was that by the time we went husband was really resentful and sessions would entail him yelling all these things he was upset about and I turned into this insecure pursuer that didn't respect boundaries. Counselor taught us dialogues but that never worked cause our emotions took over. At the end counselor said to me in private session that he might have been too checked out. Looking back on things and having read some relationship books we really needed to build connection first. (Some of the Gorman exercises would have been helpful)
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
You are absolutely right about everything. I need to push myself out to do things. I feel much better when I am at work (I am fortunate that I have a really fun job where I get to problem solve and interact with people all day). and exercise makes a world of difference. I know this, it's just a struggle. Sometimes I do well other times not so well.
Setting boundaries is my goal for this month.. The child support issue and scheduling. These have to be addressed. I worry that it will Swing the pendulum too much. He is starting to send texts about non-child related things and not sure what this will do. he has been paying for some things but the bulk of expenses is on me. He has it very easy right now I know that and it's not fair. That letter requesting child support and then the follow up file with court is aggressive and things have really not been hostile between us except for the blow up 1 month ago.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
IMHO, I don't think you should allow fear of his reaction or swinging the pendulum hold you back from what you need to do. I know that it can be scary. If he gets upset, so be it. That is on him. Do you want to be with him if he gets upset about providing for and taking care of his own kids?? My guess is he knows you are worried about losing him, so he uses that to control the situation.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I know this issue keeps me up at night because I am so so so angry. He wants to give me money as I need it. He feels like what he would legally have to give ( 25% plus extras) is more then i actually need since I live with relatives. He does not take into consideration the inconvenience we are to these relatives. I feel horrible that I am dependent on them. They have helped us out so much and were not prepared for this.
When I read what I write, I cannot believe I am even having to say it and not immediately filing because he is so in the wrong. He truly does not see it and just expects support from family without question. It's weird that he does not see it. He Is shocked that my family is upset with him because he views it that I am the one that pushed him out. His mother is big time enabler so I suspect this is where it comes from...if anyone has insight please feel free. Sorry am writing from cell so hopefully not to many errors.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie...you need to set up and enforce your boundaries. I cannot tell you how many times I heard "it's not fair." I would tell him I was only asking for what had been set up as allowable by the state. The people setting up the laws apparently thought it was fair. You shouldn't have to rely on your family. He has an obligation he needs to meet. He'll whine, believe me. Validate his feelings. "I understand why you feel that way, but that's not how I see it. I need help providing for our family." Then do what you need to do. You can do it!
The truth is, I already know how he will react. I have asked him for child support a couple of times. He blatantly says no. I feel like its his way of saying it's his way or the highway. I might just be guessing but i get the feeling he sees it as "If your getting my money then we are getting divorced" it's easy way out for him cause he then has no guilt. He is in drivers seat right now cause he is leaning towards divorce and I am wanting R.
I have been putting it off cause it will be antagonistic. But yes a part of me sees how he is with the kids and questions if this relationship is salvageable. A big part of me tell me just send him the letter and be prepared to file, but then a part of me says just b3 patient with him. He is truly not bad. Just selfishm
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
