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[job]

Many of them live in just awful apartments, basements and one rooms. Many of them do not put much stock in nice places because of what they are feeling right now and they do not want to spend the money on nice places. They want their money for other things. In your h's case, he could be reliving a place from his past. Maybe they duct taped a tent or maybe he doesn't want to spend the money on a new one.

My xh rented one room in a house for $800 a month and that was almost twice what the house payment was. It was a nasty looking place and then he moved to a real dump of an apartment that had the dumpster right off his patio. I also think they live in places that express how they feel about themselves at the moment.

Yep, that is what he left you for. My xh even went as far as to say that he could go back and live the way he did in the 70's. Well...hello, that wasn't a good place to be.

I wouldn't try to figure him out or why he's doing the things he's doing. The only concern I would have is if it's safe and clean for your son to visit. Other than that...bring on the duct tape!

[mleigh4]

Thanks Job. I really wanted your opinion on that, I appreciate it.

H seems to be so PROUD of this place and his projects. Was your XH that way? H truly seems to see this place as some kind of paradise and I am just not seeing it. Please know, I am not trying to come off as a snob, this place is decent, and seems safe for S, but dumpy, especially with all the junk he is collecting adding to the mix.

I suppose it could be the fantasy fog he is living in. Ok, I will stop trying to figure it out. Spending Sunday with him was wonderful, but definitely brought on some emotions and confusion for me. It put me in a bit of an aftershock funk, but I am coming out of it.

I need these times spent with him to figure out which works best for me during limbo land. Does occasional time together work? A peek out of his tunnel here and there? Or as little contact as possible? After 2 years, I am still trying to figure that out! Might just be too difficult for me to spend time at his place....way too many triggers.

[job]

My xh was proud as a peacock over his accomplishments and that included his "dumpy" places to live. He did move up into nicer places after a few years, but he has become a messy individual, i.e., like a frat house full of kids who just drop things all over the place. He wasn't like that when he lived w/me.

You are the only one that can decide if spending time w/your h is a good thing for you. Maybe it would be best to keep it to bare minimum, i.e., a quick bite to eat at a fast food place or something of that nature. He can't miss you if you are spending time together...but then again, he's been wanting to do this...so, again, it's up to you.

[mleigh4]

Hello and happy weekend!

Having a bit more contact from H this week. He has sent several random texts, a couple having nothing to do with S. Asking if I tried a spread we each got at Costco....I tested out a couple random text of my own, and got replies right away...interesting.

Have my own GAL activities this weekend...well...for my son anyhow! Had his buddy over last night for a couple hours. Then tonight went to see movie with son's best friends and mom.

Also working on my latest new home project which is new carpet in the bedrooms and hallway.

So one of my random texts to H was to let him know about movie night tonight and invited him, and to also let him know I was going to look at carpet. He replied he wanted to do both.

Last night got text from H that he was going to be mowing weeds with the tractor all weekend, but would get in touch about carpet and movies.

This morning, I got text from him saying his phone is out of commission and to use his work phone if I need to get a hold of him. His phone hasn't been charging for some reason. Son told me a funny story about H taking his phone apart to charge it, sounds like old H!

So about 2 S and I headed out to look at carpet. Knowing H was busy with his weeds...IDK...didn't let him know, just went. So as S and I were heading out of carpet store with an arm load of samples, H TM me to let him know when we were going to carpet store. Oops. I told him we were just leaving with samples. He said to send him pics. I did, along with a message that movie time changed from 7:20 to 5:20. Did not hear back.

At 5:00, on way to movies, got TM from H that he just came into house to clean up and eat before movie, and saw message about time change. He asked if any chance to change to later time. I told him sorry, we were all already at theatre. He said ok, next time.

Sorry he missed out on it all, we had a great time. I am just so used to doing and living WITHOUT H, that checking in with him feels unnatural. Wasn't done on purpose.

Had another little tiff with MIL again. She once again forgot to confirm with H and I that she had picked up S from school. I let her know that her confirmation of pick up was a boundary I will not compromise on, that as his mother I want to know where S is at all times, and that if she could not do this, then Grammy days do not work for me any longer. I love this boundary stuff, feels great. One little thing I ask of her, a 10 second text....I am sure she cried victim to H once again, but no word from him to me about it.

Brought out box of Fall and Halloween decorations! We are excited about our upcoming party and so far we have all invited friends coming. Fun Fun!!

[mleigh4]

Too late to edit my last text, but one of H texts today said, if I am sure it's ok, that he would join us for the movie. He has been talking that way lately, seems to be feeling unsure if I really want him around or not. I believe that is normal?

So I guess my letting him know he is welcome, but continuing to go on with things as planned, with or without him, is the way to go? Seems like it would be, and is how I handled today.

[job]

You are doing great! Your h is beginning to realize that you aren't sitting at home waiting for his calls/texts. You handled the situations well and I would continue as you have been.

Well, it looks like Grammy is going to have to shape up or not see grandson if she continues the way she is. After all, you are your son's mother and need to know where your son is at all times. I hope she remembers to connect w/you in the future.

Enjoy your Sunday!

[mleigh4]

Not much to update. I have been BUSY at work, which I thrive on. I am a lucky person to actually enjoy my job. As an added plus, busy means income for the office, income means bonus, and they have been nice the last few months!

Dropped off S to H Monday night. I was really curious to see how much of the weeds would be gone. Right away, I noticed the bobcat was gone, must have been what he did on Sunday. There was a good section of weeds gone, but not even 1/2 of the lot. He was pretty proud of his work.

I have noticed, some days, he looks really aged and tired. This was one of those days. So he pointed out his handiwork. I asked him, how long before it all grows back? Especially with the upcoming rain season. (We hope out here in Cali!!) He said ya, it will be back, but it will be green! I thought, ok??? He said, he got enough plowed down to make a go kart track for S, so he can get him doing some more adventurous things. I said, S needs to be able to be himself, and that's ok. H immediately snapped into anger mode and burst out that S needs to be exposed to these type of things! He then walked away and stood there, by the barn, seemed to be calming himself down. This has always been a touchy subject, S is very cautious, not a rambuctous boy by any means. This drives H crazy. I have learned with S to throw something out there, if S refuses, in time he will come around when HE is ready. H is more of the pushy type and gets frustrated with S, no patience.

So, I dropped it and H came back over as nothing happened. My concern here is that H is going to go to all this trouble, make this track, buy a go kart, and S will want nothing to do with it. I hope I am wrong! I would love to see S cut loose, but not sure he will....But you know what? This isn't my problem. Let H have at it. He is enjoying it, keeps him busy....whatever...

More than anything, I drove away thinking...my 43 year old H has left his family and his home to live in a dumpy house on a weed infested lot, and his one goal in life right now is to build a go kart track.

Well, I guess I am not much better. I was walking through Target and saw a game table that would be perfect for the spare room. Pool, fuseball, air hockey and ping pong, all in one! S and I want it badly! Lol.

S had his first oral book report last week. Today, I got his grade of an A on it! I took a pic of the results and sent to H. He replied that this turned his horrible day around. BTW, he says that a lot when I send him good news texts. Seems he has a lot of bad days lately. Glad I could cheer him up

[CaliGuy]

M

You are doing so well with this. Reading up a few descriptions about your H really hit me. I recall days where my W looked 50 at times, old tired worn out... Then a day or two later she seemed better... Rinse repeat. I have no doubt it's the depression in all this, I know W told me she didn't sleep, she would fall asleep early , wake up at 1-2 and be up till 4 lay back down for an hour or so... This takes its toll on them, she shared she could not get her mind to stop racing

I laugh a bit about your H and S with the kart track, I admit ... I'd be totally into making a track too, kinda jealous actually .... And my son is not a thrill seeker... He will not even ride the roller coasters .... Just like his mother in that regard, as a man us kinda want your boy to be ... Well a boy, get dirty , play hard all that... My son is a book worm, into building things, and of course anything video with which I struggle as I grew up outside Huckleberry-Finn'ing it. All that being said... Take notice of this M, looks to me like your H is trying to do something on the really cool level to connect with your S .... I mean come on... A friggin race track? I'm 44 and id be all over that!!

You've walked this about as good as anyone in the boards, I admire your strength ... And it looks like things are moving a bit in him ... Least to me it does ... Continue slow cooking it as you have

[BrightFuture]

Hey Cali, I'm not far away from being 50. Are you saying that I will look "old tired worn out"? LOL

[mleigh4]

Good point Bright! Not far behind you! LOL

Ok ok yes a go kart track seems fun. In fact I would play on it myself and agree with H that S should be exposed to this. I think my answer to him about S being able to be himself came off wrong. H has gotten irritated with S at every amusement park, every outing on the boat, every trip out to the park..because S is, like your son Cali, not a thrill seeker. H is very verbal with S about his frustration, and I began to get concerned about S self esteem. No one wants to disappoint their parents and should be able to voice what they like to do, and don't like to do, without getting put down for it.

S and I are two peas in a pod, totally alike. So I too have been put down by H over the years for not being into water sports or outdoor activities. I am not adventurous! So, I guess I get sensitive about it when I see S getting a hard time.

In the long run, there relationship is between them. I teach S to stand up for himself and to be true to himself...but I also encourage him to try new things. All I can do.

BTW, this is a huge reason S and I love doing our vacations alone, without H constantly pushing us to do things we don't want to! It's wonderful now! I can't wait for the upcoming Legoland and Disneyland trip in February. S has very openly told me it's better without H, and I agree. We are able to just be ourselves. Kind of sad....I wonder if H gets this behavior from his own parents? I know his dad is pretty judgemental and pushy, always tells me I should do things different. I had my SIL last Christmas ask me what happened to me as a child because I don't like water slides that have pitch black tunnels. I mean really??? Can't people just be ....different?

Ok enough rambling and venting, back to work.