New thread. I woke up feeling very sad today about my marriage. I am on my way to IC this morning.
I feel like I am getting close to another step forward in detaching, moving forward. You know when you can sense an energy shift? I feel a big one coming. And I am scared of it and looking forward to it at the same time.
H is working from home this morning. I want to walk in there, tell him I love him and strip off my clothes and just connect with him. I feel like the part of me that has these urges for him is slipping away and I want to try one more time before I am further detached.
I am probably kidding myself. Romanticizing the sitch. I should just go to counseling and keep DB'ing and keep my pants on.
I know the feeling. I have many times thought I should just call up WW and talk to her. Then she will just fall into my arms. WRONG ANSWER. It will not work. They are not the same people they used to be. They will not reason with us. They are not emotionally connected like they used to be.
I know I tried this in the beginning and it did not work. They will let you know when they are ready for it. Pursuing them will just set us back. Keep on track. You are doing good.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
I sometimes contemplate a one for the road effort. I say that because it would most likely push my W away, even if by some miracle she was up for it.
But I am fairly sure that would be seen as pursuing and that is frownedupon in DB world.
My W confides in me the details of one of her friends going through D. She was LBS. She still has had sex more times with her STBXH since they brokea up than I have in the last three years. And he has OW.It: s unreal talking to my W about that when we are sexless for so long.
Don't really know why I rambled there. Hope IC helps.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
We are in about the same spot on this path. I am not sure when the next step will happen but I see/feel small glimpses of a different understanding from time to time. I am not there yet.
Hang in there photoka, better days are coming, hopefully in our life times.
I would like to get your perspective on a thought I've have but don't want to get into it at work. ttyl
I know the feeling that you are loosing the connection. It comes and goes for me. I am noticing other woman now and I feel conflicted. My W was never a as beautiful outside as she was inside and now that she is so different now inside I don't see the beauty on the outside sometimes. I feel like I am being so superficial looking at it that way. The urges are slipping away, its sad.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Mutation, I would love to give you my perspective. Roiste- I am laughing at your "one for the road" comment.
Mona, Vise, Whyus, I did reach out to him not that explicitly and I was ignored. I am glad I didn't do what I wanted to, that rejection would have hurt.
And stupid me then sent a message to my ex-boyfriend and I got a VERY nice response. I am glad he lives far away or I'd be tempted to do something stupid. I am doing something stupid by flirting. But I flirted with my H first and he didn't want me so that's how I am justifying it. But its still not right.
I feel like I am getting close to another step forward in detaching, moving forward. You know when you can sense an energy shift? I feel a big one coming. And I am scared of it and looking forward to it at the same time.
My W went away for a job back in Feb. when she left, I remember thinking "there's a chance she may never come back after this." Three weeks later, BD. I still don't know why I thought that, but it's interesting reflecting back.
Originally Posted By: photoka
H is working from home this morning. I want to walk in there, tell him I love him and strip off my clothes and just connect with him. I feel like the part of me that has these urges for him is slipping away and I want to try one more time before I am further detached.
I am probably kidding myself. Romanticizing the sitch. I should just go to counseling and keep DB'ing and keep my pants on.
It's not about romanticizing. It's about that thought that if we just did or said the RIGHT thing, we could FIX this. You don't want a "last ditch...encounter", you want to snap him out of this. Stay patient. Your day will come.
Photoka you are a kind compassionate intelligent strong woman like my wife and for this reason I would like to hear your perspective.
I must frame your mindset which has nothing to do with your real life situation but will use your experience for my circumstance. I know your opinion does not translate into my wife's opinion. Okay, here we go.
You have be married 26 years. You had 3 good years at beginning of your marriage. Your husband never cheated on you. Your husband never physically hurt anyone. Your husband was a weekend drunk for 18 years. Your husband would bully and yell at kids to make them listen. Your husband has be sober since 2008. Your husband has been a good father since 2008. Your children love your husband and want marriage to survive. Your husband loves you and want to make the marriage work. You have lost your love for your husband since 2008. You feel you have no common interests with husband.
With this mindset and a high level of detachment, no connection, a lot of indifference. What would you do with your marriage, keep trying or bail?
I am asking you because you will are strong enough to walk away under certain circumstances. I know this doesn't mean anything in regards to my situation but after 9 months of silence I don't know what to think.
Please tell me if you would bail, don't placate me.
Thank you Photoka for your time and honesty. If you ever need my opinion please ask.
Wow, Mutatio. Please don't take this the wrong way, because I'm not trying to be mean, but there is very little chance that Photo can give you an opinion on that list. There are so many more variables at play in your situation. It's not so cut and dry. I sense you want a female perspective, but without knowing what your wife is thinking, anything Photo comes up with really won't be helpful.
You are kind, caring, and willing to jump through hoops for your wife. Why she cannot appreciate that is impossible to know. It still seems you are way too invested in only one outcome with your wife. That equals unspoken pressure. It's not good for either one of you.
I know how very hard it is. We all empathize with your pain. It's time for you to detach even more. I don't know the answer for you, but start thinking about what you want. What would you want if she were not in the picture? You are not allowed to say "my wife". LOL
