Ghost Busting .....it's time to work on Me

[gonegrl]

Ghost, I am praying for you. I feel the same way that you do. But I also "get" that the rules have changed, our spouses want out. We cannot control that. It is heartbreaking. It will be for a long, long time. The thoughts you are having are normal. This is extremely hard. I have gone through some sh!t in my life, and this heartbreak has been by far the hardest thing for me. I get you, I really do. But you have to pull yourself together. Your options here are not about how to get your W back anymore, your options are- deal with this in a way that preserves your dignity and leaves you stronger, or crumble. Those are your options. And as a dad you know you don't really have a choice. Stop fighting this so much, and pull yourself together. I don't say that lightly. I say that with love and understanding. And I say it just as much to you as to remind myself because I am walking through this same thing with you Ghost. We all are.

[ATPeace]

To all my DBustimg friends you truly have been the best support that I could ask for I kniw I have to get into the moment .

I know EXACTLY my problem and that is my W is still at home we are arround each other quite a lot of the time we still do plenty together today it was lunch at a small itialien two days ago we watched a movie on,TV ....we watch Tv box sets together several nights a week we do a family day out most weekends with the kids she cooks for me and the kids as I do for her and the kids I do my share of the house work

She is nice to me and I am nice to her we get along very well no intamacy no hugging no kissing

Do I feel detached ....No
Do we get along Yes
Is she going to insist the house is sold yes

I do not want to distance myself from my wife pull away .....stop doing this -^^^^^ But if I don't then BOMB DATE TWO WILL HIT and I have no idea how I will cope with this


So is it Posable to do the above whilst still distancing and detaching any idea

I thank you all ...I know I am not doing a great job of this but will keep trying to find strength

Ghost

[roist]

Little by little you need to be unavailable to her. You need to get out if the house or too busy right now to watch XYZ. You chose the best balance.

You have a choice. Do you want to make the transition period as comfortable as possible for ye both and make the most of your tine "together" before there is none. If this is your choice, you are on track. If you want to improve your chances of having a R with W later and if you want to be better prepared for the next bomb and it's afteraffects,you need to listen to what you have been advised and what you have intended doing for a while now.

Plus you have confirmed W is WW. I am no specialist but sandi is adament that you cannot nice a WW back.

Good luck

[Avanti]

Ghost56, are thinking about the future, or the past or the present? What noises can you hear at the moment? What can you see around you? That's the present.

The present is the only thing that matters because it's the only thing that's real and you can have an impact on. The future is something you make as a result of your actions in the here and now, the past is fixed, so forget it.

It's scientifically proven that people who spend a lot of time thinking about the present moment are by far the happiest as compared to those living the past or the future.

What one simple thing are you going to do right now for Ghost56, not your M or your W, for Ghost56? It's not a trick question or something anyone other than Ghost 56 can answer.

Once you've thought of it (and don't over think it, allow it to be the first thing that comes into your mind) then go and do it and then decide what the next thing is you are going to do for Ghost56 (no one else) and go and do it. Keep your mind fixed on those simple things and the experience of doing them, the sounds, the feelings, the thoughts about the specific task...

[Huddy]

You're still going for meals together? Wow, I'd give my right arm for that. I think she's 'cake eating' to a degree here - correct me other DB's if you think I'm wrong.

As I see it, she's taking the best of what Ghost has to give, money, food,etc. but not having to give anything back in return. That's not healthy is it?

I think you have to start developing a harder shell to all this and do a little less together. Remember what is in DB and sandi2's rules - be a bit mysterious!

[Sotto]

Ghost, I agree with Huddy & the others. I don't think you having lunches out and watching box sets with your W is going to win her back. It puts you more into 'friend' territory, and I don't think that is the right way to go with a WW.

I don't see that you need to do a huge pull back. But I do think you need to build your own life and GAL activities up, so you are much less available to do this kind of stuff. And your W starts to wonder....what is Ghost up to when he's out at the tennis club etc. Don't be completely transparent. Start to be a little more mysterious.

I know you don't want to stop doing that stuff. But which do you want more? Carry on doing that stuff as long as you can (until you completely lose your W) or pull back (which may start to draw her towards you?)

[ATPeace]

Thank you for your posts

Very hard to detach whilst living under the same roof

I understand I cannot nice her back just if we are getting along would it not be good to try to build on this ....not in the tru sence of db

[ILYNOT]

I was doing the same things for quite a while ghost, I was under the same roof everything was nice and dandy, even though I knew she was leaving etc. Then she finally left and I was still having lunches dinners, etc. then she started talking about OMs etc... I then realized I had become a friend...

I immediately changed my behavior and asked for D

Have not talked to W , I always found a reason for me to call, etc. I was not DBing..

[ATPeace]

ILYNOT

I guess this is where I am heading [censored] and there is nothing I can do to stop it

I worry about her going clubbing she will be doing this tomorrow but there is nothing I can do about this.....i do not like it I think this will bang another nail in the coffin .....I wanted her to see my changes believe that i have become the man she always wanted but I am kidding myself she feels nothing towards me nothing ....she has built up so much resentment over our marriage that she cannot let it go ...So I can be nice for the next few months as this is all the time I have left or I can detach now and not spend any time with her pull away from her now I do not want to do this either.

It is 4.30 am I cannot sleep I am worrying about the future I have been told to stop and to think of today focus just on me this is great advice ...but I just can not think of my future without her and how it will be a huge struggle I do not want to entertain these thoughts I am in denial that our marriage is over and is un repairable. I want to talk to her ....try to reason with her remind her of the love she had for me but I cannot do this

I am rehashing in my mind over and over and then over again....I know it is actions not words .....I want to reach out to her hold her hands when we pass in the kitchen look her in her eyes and tell her once again I am sorry for the past I have told her many many times she knows how sorry I am

In her mind she has been upset for many years and I was the cause of this upset by not being with her not doing enough for her I was the cause of her feeling sad and upset and she does not want the go back to his as right now she is not sad or upset she actually feels happier.

She forgets that I was working my ass off to earn and build a business so we could live in this house

I do not want to be just a friend but this is where I am at right now and I cannot see a way out of the darkness.

I know this is my journey and only I can decide what I do ...i am absolutely rubbish in making my decisions for me to make a decision means I accept this and I cannot I do not want to.

Please God help me with my thoughts help me through the next few day the next few hours please guide me help me to the right to choices. I love my children their future is bleak.

Are there people here on this forum that have seporated then divorced that have children ...do the children cope do they even care or do they just adjust and get on with it.

I wish I had strength last year I lost my father this year my W wants to leave my mother is getting old and is not in the best of health my,eldest daughter is not close to me because of the time I spent with my son,

I just want to love and be loved ....

THE ONLY THING I CAN CONTROL IS ME
I AM IN CONTROL OF MY OWN HAPPINESS
I CANNOT CONTROL MY W SHE WILL LIVE HER LIFE AS SHE WANTS TO

THIS WAS NOT ALL MY FAULT

GHOST

[Sotto]

I understand I cannot nice her back

Hi Ghost, you wrote this and then negated it with....just, if we are getting along, shouldn't I build on it??

No - because that will keep you a) stuck and b) back-up plan. A little more alpha male is called for IMHO. Not being a jerk - but accepting that she wants to do this, and if she is you are making your own life. So, less being available to watch box sets and more not being around 'cause you played tennis then stayed on for a drink after etc...

Also, that whole worry cycle you posted is cheeseless tunnel territory. You are worrying about a whole pile of things you can't control.

Can you have a think about a new morning routing for you to stop this worry cycle, because this seems to be a tough time of day for you. Instead of lying there worrying, what nourishing early morning activities could you do to set you up for the day?? I'm going to give you some ideas:

Start a gratitude journal
Yoga
Meditate
Read a chapter of a self-help book
Keep a journal (a general one as well as gratitude...)
Plan your next GAL activity

You are making progress I think - but you falter and drop back into worry and panic mode. If you can get a handle on this and stop panicking, you will move forward more steadily my friend.....good luck xx