So, I really want to shake my W and ask her why we are doing this. She came up to me and talked like we always have, so I played catch with the kids and made myself scarce. She is talking to people that she normally wouldn't, and is laughing and acting normal.
Having to see her nearly everyday is making this hurt even more. Luckily, baseball will be over in another week. Then it's basketball, bit that will only be once a week.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I just saw my pay statement with the first child support taken out. Yet another reminder of this. S8 asked me when I was coming home last night. He is the one that usually avoids talking about this. He said "maybe over fall break you can come back home?" I would so love that! Between games, W wanted to talk like we are still good friends, so I went off to the restroom, came back and started playing catch until some of my friends arrived to talk to.
W best friend at S8 games was sitting on the bleachers. W sat down beside them, and within 5 minutes her friend was at the complete other end of the bleachers and her husband followed. Maybe it is cruel of me, but I liked it that they would sit by me and show support, but not her. It helps reinforce that I am not in the wrong, and it may shake her up some. Start lifting some fog.
Up to now, W has not suffered any setbacks. I helped her through her medical problems this summer, cared for her and the boys. She still had the house. The new van. My boys, most of the time. I am hoping that she has some adversity that makes her realize the gravity of this decision. I long for another chance, with the W I had.
I have been uprooted. Have to change my work schedule and burn my vacation time. Lost money. Have sold off possessions. Was isolated from friends. Have to rent this shabby house, but it was the only one open. Drive a car with 250k miles on it. And suffer emotionally.
The plus said is that so many people care, that I never realized. I AM growing, and will continue to. She did wake me up with this, but I changed everything she asked for. (They were needed) The changes have stuck for 7 months so far, and I don't want to backslide.
I need to let her go, move forward, etc. I know this, but I haven't gotten to how to do it. I need to be prepared to move on, if she doesn't clear the fog. For my own happiness, my boys, and for the chance at a future R.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Dday, I just wanted to stop by. I have been following your sitch and yours sounds very similar to mine. Our BD dates are days apart. Our move out days are withing a week. And it sounds like your friends are catching on now too. I don't have much more to say other than keep your head up buddy! We're in this together.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Listened to Shawn Achor ted talk. That dude is funny, and had some great ideas.
3 things I am grateful for today: Awesome fall weather, I love this time of year. My boss is being very understanding, and allowing me to change my schedule to suit my kids. Talking to Dan, my friend here at work that is very supportive, and reassuring me that I am on the right road.
Thinking out loud: I have done all that I can to show her what she means to me, and the lengths that I would go to to make her happy. I have given her a great life, and have made sacrifices along the way to do so. I know, in my heart, that I have done the best I can, and have tried to make amends where I could. W knows where my heart is, and that I want her back w/ changes. I am becoming more comfortable with LRT, and showing her what life will look like without my support if she continues down this path. I think I am ready to start letting her go. I will be ok, regardless.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Reading your sitch reminds me of the time my now exwife decided to walk away. This was before I even knew about DB.
I can vividly recall all the feelings you listed and the struggles you talk about. It was awful.
Anywho.. she ended up leaving and moving to a town about an hour away. She bought a home and enrolled our daughter in school and her life was great. She made lots of friends and was doing well at work. In the meantime, I was gutted. My life was over. I missed her and our daughter every single day. Brutal.
Then I slowly started to get over her - really get over her. Something that only time allows us to do. I started to be ok again. Started noticing other women. Started to see the world differently. Guess what happened - she had somehow felt it. She felt me moving on. She felt me not caring what she thought about me anymore. In my mind I wasn't doing anything differently when I saw her to exchange our daughter for visitation. I can only assume I was giving off some different energy unbeknownst to me.
She started sniffing around and calling. Then she wanted to hang out. I was torn at this point. Do I allow her back into my life? Or do I continue down this exciting new life I was discovering?
I decided for the sake of our daughter to date her again. But because I had this new strength, I was wasn't desperate for her anymore. I was able to see her flaws, her compulsive nature. Her ability to manipulate and charm me. She actually started to turn me off. To be honest, I didn't want her anymore. And I told her that.
She had become the LBS. And she did all the crying, pursuing, and threatening. And all it did was turn me off even more.
You never know how things will turn out. And your feelings may very well change as time passes. It's terrifying right now, I get it. But realize that things are unfolding for you and a lot of this stuff you have no control over.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and let time do it's job. Release your waw. Turn that focus on her onto yourself and your kids.
Ps.. My exwife still contacts me every once in a while. She's been through 7 relationships and kicks herself for letting me go.
Thanks thorn! I am glad to hear that you had another chance, even if it didn't work out. That would eliminate a lot of what ifs from my mind.
I truly believe that I can start to let her go, even if my motives for doing it aren't what I would like them to be. I love her, and want my family repaired, but she has some work to do now. I understand a bit of what everyone says with the S needing to catch up. I can own my mistakes and work through them, eliminate my bad behaviours, she hasn't gotten there yet.
Time will tell. I hope she becomes happy. I hope she comes back to me after that.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Keep in mind I was able to DB my new relationship with my fiancé when she left over a year ago. Things are going great!
Stay calm even though you are in panic mode. I remember doing exactly what the Vets told me to do. Keep reading DR and make sure that your wife only sees the confident and happy dday. No relationship talks. Fake it if you have to.
I have done all that I can to show her what she means to me, and the lengths that I would go to to make her happy. im guessing you mean this in past tense. But it's time to knock this off, if it isn't.
I have given her a great life ...in your opinion. If it's so great, why is she leaving?
and have made sacrifices along the way to do so. I know, in my heart, that I have done the best I can, and have tried to make amends where I could. none of us KNEW. We didn't have the tools to fix ourselves even had we known. Don't beat yourself up over the past. Now you know better - all you can do is change yourself going forward.
W knows where my heart is, and that I want her back w/ changes. again, I assume this is based on past actions/discussions. If not. Knock this off. You don't want to leave this decision to her. Don't keep telling her the door is always open.
I am becoming more comfortable with LRT, and showing her what life will look like without my support if she continues down this path. I think I am ready to start letting her go. I will be ok, regardless. its time to take your focus off of "showing her her life" and put it onto living your life. You don't need to consciously "let her go". When you live your life, you'll look around and one dat discover that you have already let her go.
Great dad: stay off phone and focus on boys, playing HW, etc. Look for more teachable moments, at bedtime, and as they occur (last night they were wondering about the rules for passing cars and yellow lines)
Optimism: Avoid (as much as possible) negative coworkers Stop negative ideas, or process and release them as quickly as possible Pray and be grateful Watched Ted talk by Shawn Achor, try and implement ideas Watch Amy Cuddy Ted talk
Less CD: I have read CDNM I am responsible for my own feelings- repeat Work on detachment through physical distance, and trying to analyze without emotions as much as possible I need more suggestions here
Better friend: Listen and validate accept all invites that I can attend Less reclusive, (I detest being alone right now, so that is easy) Try to not take anyone or anything for granted... be grateful and thankful, more appreciative
Enjoy life: Be grateful: (Ted talk idea) write 3 things I am grateful for every day Try and give the kids the best life I can, as single or hopefully with W. Try to keep taking vacations, etc. if affordable Train and run a 5k this fall (I would like to do a mud run next summer) Get my 55 Chevy running this winter Get the woodlathe from Ws house and start turning again
Be accountable: Post list here and be accountable to you all
Regain confidence: (it is starting to come back) Start training to run a 5k Sleep more than 6 hours per night (its very broken sleep at that) PMA Posture Keep at my goals
How's this one?
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
