Yes, you do deserve better. Let the house sell. You can't carry on like this. Having been through this now for six months, I believe that in house separations are not in the best interests of the R going forward as I don't think your other half can see loss. That, I think, is the best lesson I've had.
Don't do the 'can we work it out' conversation. Let it go for now.
Dark days ahead Ghost. You need to turn on the light.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
People talk about partners turning arround after two or three years could we cohabit for this length of time
To be perfectly honest, I do not know of a case where the couples continued to live under the same roof were able to have a true reconciliation in their MR. It seems almost necessary to have that physical distance, and push the WS out of the nest to fly on their own.......and no further help from the LBS. After they go separate ways, and the WS has time to learn a few hard lessons, then we've seen reports where partners turn back. But staying in your house under the conditions you are in now? Are you crazy???
That house is going to be the death of you, if you don't turn lose and stop this going in circles about it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I would love to go out however this is not totally straight forward my w and I have made an agreement that we would go out alternative Saturdays she as not been out for a while and the other person babysits so not much chance of going out.
V you say let it unfold ....I realise I have no control of what she does it just worries me,..... She is going out clubbing on Saturday and her friend is the not so good looking friend that the good looking one (my ww will be hanging out with)
I have no idea if she will go with our male friend as well so tbh I feel scared she will ......
[censored] it she is not treating me fair she is not the women I fell in love with she knows she has and is continuing to break my heart and she does not give a [censored]
I deserve better than this
Sorry for,cheese less tunnel it
She is detaching and I need to detach her doing this ...is probably her way of getting me to the point where I loose my feelings for her
How the heck can a couple that has been together for 25 years separate in June and three and a half months later ...why does it Feel she is so distant already.
I so want to go downstairs and have the "W please can we not just try and work this out conversation,...it does not have to be like this" but I cannot ( so I guess this is progress as three months ago I would have had the conversation
Ghost pull yourself together man it feels like One step forward three friking steps backwards
Ghost
The house is one thing. But your thoughts are another. All that stuff in bold is all such an incredible waste of your energy. All it does is spiral you downward.
My wife is going out --> who is she going with --> why doesnt she want to go with me --> why arent I good enough --> and so on down the tunnel...
You need to stop this at that first arrow. Look at the facts and detach from the emotions.
Ghost I've done the in house separation for 9 months now and almost all of that was while watching my W self medicate in an A. Being in the house does give you more opportunities to change certain dynamics but I now think it's not helpful in the long run for reconciliation. I remember where you are, your still in the denial and bargaining stage of this thinking long term cohibation will fix it and she will come back. That's why your also scared she's going to go out with the male friend because you fear she could do something with him or another man. You can't stop what she's going to do, it's out of your control. What you can do is move forward with your life and leave the door cracked in case one day she works out her problems and realizes you weren't the cause of her unhappiness.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I was on the same boat, in house separation for 7 months, things only got worst, although I did GAL.
The emotions and jealousy were still there.
As soon as W got her own place I got to see more of her breaking, then with her parents help she is fully alive again having EAs maybe even PA by now IDK.
These things will eventually come to an end to our expense unfortunately. That is why it is very important to change our old ways. Establish new attitudes. Its a brand new future for all of us. Study something you always wanted to study. Go somewhere you have never been, etc.
Our WWs are way ahead of us already enjoying life, so why cant we.
It looks like it is a little hard for you to stay away from trying to mind-read. I know you can't help what you feel, but just try to remember that feelings change. If you cant stop yourself from wondering what W is thinking or what she might do, try and put a firm limit on it. Allow it for 5 minutes, but then force your attention on anything else.
When I struggle with this, I grab an pen and paper and dive into a short story. Sometimes I write about the H having an A and ending up with a crazy person and losing everything. Other times I write about the perfect H in a perfect M. My stories are horrid, I know this. Sometimes, they are about stupid things like hair styles or race cars. The point is, I force myself to think about ANYTHING else.
Writing may not be for you, but find something that you can do to take your mind far far away.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
What you can do is move forward with your life and leave the door cracked in case one day she works out her problems and realizes you weren't the cause of her unhappiness. [/quote]
Ok I know this is cheeseless but I do not think I have ever asked this question ....I need to hear the answer to this for me to move on another step......as said above and SHE REALIZES YOU WERE NOT THE CAUSE OF HER UNHAPPINESS .......ok So what makes you think I was not the cause ...what if I was the cause of her upset
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
People talk about partners turning arround after two or three years could we cohabit for this length of time
I want to clarify something I said, b/c going back today, I see I should have stated it better.
Quote:
To be perfectly honest, I do not know of a case where the couples continued to live under the same roof were able to have a true reconciliation in their MR. It seems almost necessary to have that physical distance, and push the WS out of the nest to fly on their own.......and no further help from the LBS.
What my mind was saying, and you all couldn't hear...... ....is that I can't remember a case about a couple staying together under the same roof where the WW did not change and the LBH continued to endure her treatment of him. By true reconciliation in the MR, I was referring to becoming the couple who both worked toward a healthy, successful MR.
There have been couples who were able to reconcile while under the same roof. My own story is proof. Starsky's story is another. (He was known as Puppy Dog Tails, back then.) I think Starsky may have separated for a little while, but not positive on that memory point.
IMO, changing the dynamics has to come. If you remain in the same house with a wayward spouse, things will not truly reconcile until the dynamics change.
Let me add this, too, most of the newcomer LBH's are just thinking about getting the W back in the MR. What some fail to see is that getting her back is just the first step. Piecing is hard as hell! It does not mean that things have been fixed. The LBH will discover he has issues popping up that he never thought he would have. He has been so focused on just saving the MR, that he hasn't really dealt with his resentment, unforgiveness, and the lasting damage that was done to the kids and family relationships. Some LBH's become the WAH, once in Piecing. Many couples have gone into Piecing that could not make it through. From what I have observed, in a lot of cases, it's b/c the LBS is too eager to let the WS come back. And, if the couple is already under the same roof......then I believe it's even harder.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ghost, I am still living with H and its been 7 months and I am not sure if this is the best arrangement. Financially, yes, it has worked out, and yes , for childcare purposes it has its advantages. My thinking was that if I "let" him go he'd definitely hook up with OW and that would just get more intense. And if he was living with me I'd have the advantage of showing him all of the ways I changed.
But I am exhausted. Beyond exhausted. Lately I am feeling more and more like we'd be better off living apart.
Ok I know this is cheeseless but I do not think I have ever asked this question ....I need to hear the answer to this for me to move on another step......as said above and SHE REALIZES YOU WERE NOT THE CAUSE OF HER UNHAPPINESS .......ok So what makes you think I was not the cause ...what if I was the cause of her upset
Ok and this ^^^^
I am happy to accept my part but she does not feel she was to blame Just me not being there for her and the kids and not doing enough We would,argue over silly things and she fell out of love with me
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
....is that I can't remember a case about a couple staying together under the same roof