So, seems there is no point in second discernment session. H told counselor that he is too hurt by my actions to kick him out of house and file for D. Said he was hurt seeing more D paperwork this week. I just don't undestand. H told her he had hoped to see if could live at home and see if we could work stuff out.
While having A. In our home. Someone please make me understand or make sense of this. I am feeling like I made mistake by filing and setting boundary, but I know I can't think that way.
Per the C, appointment still stands and up to me if I want to keep it. We would I guess just talk about moving forward with peaceful D. Not sure there is any point and feel like just I should just cancel. Should I keep? If not, any thoughts for what to say in text to H? I am sure this will just be another way I am choosing to not saving M.
Last edited by BT13; 09/30/1504:42 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Honestly BT, It looks like he is playing a victim here...you were the one to file.
Sure he was cheating on you, disrespecting you and your marriage...but you were the one who wouldn't work on your marriage and packed up his $hit and pit it in the garage like a hideous monster. Couldn't find the sarcasm font
You did what you thought you had to. It is easy to second guess later. It was emotionally charged. I don't judge on eight or wrong cause God only knows I've made more mistakes than I would like to admit.
Yes, that was my first thought as well. I am sure that is his story with everyone right now. I think it was a waste of time and I should have never setup the first session to begin with. Not sure what I was thinking, but I guess it was an act of desperation and totally not DB approved. He clearly is still broken and I cannot fix him. When will I ever learn.
Time to fall forward. I am pretty much in NC at this stage other than the session last week and I handled myself well. Time to hop back on the bike.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Need to get out if this funk and feeling sorry for myself. I realized this morning that H is trying to manipulate me through counselor with his words and I am letting it work. He is trying to make me take on the guilt for his actions and choices which have led to where we are today. I was seriously starting to think that this is all my fault and that I sealed the deal by filing. No I did not. I am the one who continues to look inward, learn, make significant changes, go to IC, etc. I know that I have not done the best with all of the DB process, but who does. I have spent too much time the last few weeks focusing back on H and it only has served to let be fall back. You live, you learn.
I lived with what I could and stood up for what I could not. I am sorry that because of his A, H cannot seem to see the hundreds of things I contributed to him and our M out of love and care. One day when the OW is no longer in the picture and he is alone in his lifted fog, he will wake up to realize the magnitude of what he has done. Maybe it will before D, maybe it will be years from now. I cannot control his growth or journey. I need to let it go and keep moving forward and working on me. Part of my growth will be forgiving myself for my part in the failure of my M and getting over the fact I gave up having my own children out of a sacrifice for H. The first one will be especially hard. I do know that the new BT will make someone a great spouse one day, whoever that might be.
Plans to have drinks tonight with one of the other women from bootcamp. Tomorrow I have IC, which I badly need this week, hair appointment on Saturday, And who knows what else. Last nights board meeting went great and I look forward to some of the things we are planning this next year. Off for my morning walk.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
BT, these are great insights and very similar to my situation, although H no longer actively blames me. We don't actually talk that much.
In weaker moments I think maybe I filed for a separation too quick, which pushed him to file for D. But he was preparing for it all along. And I had to set boundaries. You are doing the right thing. Don't let him mess with your head.
I have confesses my wrongdoing in the marriage to God and ask for his forgiveness. For me that is all that counts, although I have to keep reminding myself of it.
Walking and drinks with friends both bring great healing.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Just back from walk and feeling I understand where I am getting stuck with DB other than detaching.
As I mention a few posts back, one of my emotional triggers is not feeling listened to. Like my voice has not been heard and I keep pushing until it is. I guess I am stuck at feeling since BD that my side of the story or feelings are not being heard with H. I keep wanting to get through to him or have the opportunity to say my part as somehow that would make a difference. The problem is he is not in a place to hear me. Maybe if I did not have that as a trigger, I would have given up on trying to rationalize with him sooner. I have to come to accept that our M may end without him ever truly hearing me. I struggle with this. Just want someone to understand me. I had my chance many years before BD to share and I didn't because I had shutdown.
Last edited by BT13; 09/30/1502:12 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
BT I am just starting to get caught up on your story. I feel the same way- I feel sad he doesnt realize how many things I did do out of love. But you know how much you contributed, and he most likely will realize one day.
its great that you've realized that he's not in a place to hear you. Every time I tried to make him hear my side, or tried to show him that I contributed, I get a cold, canned response that makes me feel worse. He manages to acknowledge without really acknowledging.
Also, he's hurt that you kicked him out and filed for divorce? The divorce paperwork hurts his feelings? He had an affair, and lied to you for months. My response to him would have been "give me a break," although it goes against DBing. Don't allow him to make you second guess yourself.
Me: early 30s Husband: early 30s Married 3 years, together 6 No children
ILYBINILWY: 3/2015 He asks for divorce: 4/2015 Moves out for good: 5/2015 I start the divorce process 8/2015
Ok, going to cancel next weeks couseling session. Thoughts on text below:
Dear H,
I wanted to let you know I have made the really hard decision to go ahead and cancel next weeks couseling session. Per our C, you are only attending for me. While I really appreciate this gesture, I truly wanted this to be a learning opportunity for the both us.
BT
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Ok, going to cancel next weeks couseling session. Thoughts on text below:
Dear H,
I wanted to let you know I have made the really hard decision to go ahead and cancel next weeks couseling session. Per our C, you are only attending for me. While I really appreciate this gesture, I truly wanted this to be a learning opportunity for the both us.
BT
I'm not sure I would do that... Why cut off communication?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Well, since H is adamant he wants D, she wants to focus on being amicable during D process and closure. I am not sure that is a good idea. Won't that just reaffirm D is inevitable and right path??
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
