I think there is a shift happening in H's attitude. Probably too soon to say. We are spending very little time together so it's hard to say. I am still exhausted from extensive GAL'ing. Was planning an early night on Friday and instead went out with the girls. Out last night too, and heading out now to hear one of my favorite author's speak. Just waiting on H to come home and take over kid duty.
H seems a little more "aware" of his surroundings, if that explains it. Also off the antidepressants now for 3+ weeks, I am convinced they were making him worse. He is still depressed but "nicer" if that makes sense.
I had a great morning out with a new friend who opened up and told me her DB story. She and her H almost got D 8 years ago, and she told me how she turned it around. She was the one who was unhappy with her H, not the other way around, but he was unwilling to work on things. She did a lot of GAL'ing and she said after 6-7 months he realized he could lose her, that she wasn't going to be just sitting around waiting on him, and then he joined her in making changes. It was comforting to hear her story. Different than our stories, because he wasn't a WH or a WAH, but he was checked out and not participating in the M or child raising until she GAL. She said her attitude changed for real, at first she was "faking it" and then it became real and then he followed her.
Judy, you are so new to this and have come so far in such a short time. I wish I had found DB earlier, I was already 4 months in before I stumbled across this forum.
It was good to hear a success story. I think there are a lot of them out there. You hear about divorces, because they are obvious. But you don't hear about the reconciliations so much because people keep their problems private unless they divorce. I bet there are a lot of people out there who appear happy but are struggling and on this same journey as we are. This is the 3rd person in real life who told me their success story since I have been going through this. And 2 of them shocked me- I thought they were happy solid couples, would never have guessed they had been through this. The 3rd was my aunt and uncle and I only knew because it was family.
One woman told me it took 2 years before things were "normal" again, one told me one year, and the other said she doesn't know the exact timeframe, but its been 8 years and things are good now but it happened slowly over time. All 3 said things are better than they were before, but they left scars and it was a time of "growing up". I am falling asleep tonight with hope.
Nothing new today. I was feeling a subtle change in attitude from H, but only saw him for about 10-15 minutes yesterday and that was spent dealing with a very mouthy bad attitude D14. Then I went outside with my boys to watch the eclipse, H joined us for about 3 minutes, then went back inside to work. My S11 was disappointed but what can I do? If I try to help him connect with the kids he misreads my intentions. So I stay quiet and do my best to be there for the kids.
H did text me twice today so far, logistical things, but at least there is some communication.
Had an intimate moment with H the other night, just a moment but I felt a warmth and connection there that has been missing. Not getting too excited about it though, maybe once a month or so since BD I get a peek of the old H. I don't want to get my hopes up. When those moments start coming more frequently I will know I am on the right track.
I am fighting the urge to text H "I still love you." Haven't said those words in a while. I really want to. But I don't need the hurt that I will feel when the text is ignored. Which I am sure it would be.
Don't do it not yet ....saying the ILY is not going to help not now there may or may not be a better time you are doing great I see the strength in your posts You are getting stronger
Take care ...smile ....go on ....smile ....there ya go :o)
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Thanks Ghost, I didn't say ILY. Kept it in. I am still keeping insanely busy. Going to crash soon, I can't keep up this pace. But I am having fun, I am making new friends and strengthening the old friendships, so it's not all "faking it" , it is truly GAL but not at a realistic pace.
I also have a confession to make. I reconnected with an ex boyfriend. Its been 26 years. This was my first love, and he broke my heart. I was curious and sent a FB friend request. Over the years he has sent me several, which I ignored. Its only been 2 days. Our first few messages were very innocent, I could even show my mom if I wanted. Or my H. But suddenly he escalated things and now I have this extremely attractive man who is willing to come and, ummm, visit me. Of course I will not take him up on that offer. Of course I told him I am married and that I shouldn't be flirting with him. Of course I flirted anyway. But again today told him I am married and that our conversation escalated too quickly. He said all the right things. Telling me how beautiful I am, how I am a good person. It was really nice to hear. I think he is done messaging me, I tried to be clear. It felt good to be wanted though, really good.
And about a month or two ago a similar thing happened with an old friend- one I had never dated. He tracked me down and we exchanged emails and he is now suddenly "in love" and I swear I didn't even flirt with him! So this is what I am wondering. Are guys really this easy? Maybe because I am going through this crisis I am giving off some kind of vibe?
And last night I was at S11's counseling appointment and I was totally crushing on the counselor. And it was embarrassing because my H was there and I was crushing on him at the same time. I'm like a hormonal teenager these days.
So I need to stick with my women friends because I realize my vulnerability right now. I am so lonely for male companionship. And I don't mean just sex.
All of these months I have been looking at my H and seeing what I thought he was, what I was missing, what I desperately wanted back, and lately when I look at him I see something else- a hurt, weak, lying, mess. And that is not attractive. And yet I still want him. Out of habit? Out of hope that he will resolve his personal crisis? Out of commitment and obligation? Out of love for the man he was before he went into this crisis mode? Maybe a mix of all of the above.
But my eyes are wandering..... I am going to a church group tonight. That should keep me in check. And I am cutting back on drinking wine. Have to keep my judgment clear.
Photo go stedy ...things are very much up in the air for you right now I bet you are loving the attention that guys give you it will seriously make you feel good just know that you might be a little vulnerable and open to advances and you do not want to have any regrets
Take care
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
You are 100% right Ghost. 100%. And yet, I keep thinking, for H this would be a natural consequence of telling your W that you don't love her, you love someone else, you hate her, she ruined your life, etc etc etc. How long can you reject someone in every way possible before her mind starts to wander. It's been 7 months, really a few months longer than that- things were pretty bad pre-BD because my H was losing it.
Not what I want. I still want H. But I am human and my hormones must be in high gear lately. I will not act on it. At some point I will, but I would have to be filed for D first. And I am not ready to do that. And I don't think H is going to.
Photo this post made me laugh. Hahhaha I wish I coukd say what's truly on my mind about this one. Hahhaha But making h jealous won't make things better or bring him back. Just keep what your doing your on the right path.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Overcom, I am glad my weakness of character can make you laugh! I am actually laughing at myself, you should see how I was flirting, I don't even know where that came from. I am learning something new about myself. And going to church tonight. I really hope H pulls out of this soon, or at least gives me some. All of this sexual tension is not good for me, maybe if he files for D I can call my ex for a fun weekend but not until then. And not for more than that, I was smart enough at age 20 to not stay with him, I can't go backwards. I've got to get my mind out of the gutter. Maybe start jogging tomorrow. Something to burn off energy.
