Eye, I enjoy catching up on you. I guess I really dont have anything to say but i am rooting for you in either direction you choose. I know i am not close to where you are feeling but if i have to get there then t is what it is. thank you for inspiration.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
ET, Julie has really hit where I was going here. Learning to trust again must first have true forgiveness...you say you are over it but are still raw sometimes...it appears that you may not have gotten over things like you think. She likely never did either.
I also noticed that it seems like you both were using the threat of infidelity to hurt and perhaps control one another? Early in your situation when she was about to leave, you mentioned to her that you had found someone else. Could This have set her into a panic, remembering the past hurts?
As an outsider, I feel like you guys are perhaps just developing a big unhealthy cycle and not truly implementing techniques to save a marriage and family, but to move on and cause as much hurt as possible. It seems like both of you might just be self medicating at this point, but on different time lines.
Last edited by JulieH; 09/28/1503:31 PM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
As someone reading in, to me your situation seems to be one of the most hopeful stories I have come across. There seems to be a lot of passion and love between the two of you. The problems seem to be that you are both afraid of getting hurt and are thus doing anything you can to protect yourselves, instead of each other. You are still posting here, so I am assuming it's because on some level you want things to work? what are some of the benefits that there would be with reconciliation? how would you feel at this point if she truly moved on?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I had an EA several years ago. Reason being is she was threatening divorce back then. Every 2 years or so she would threaten it and then change her mind. Also at the time we were stressed out due to life's complications.
I went to a shrink, we attended marriage counseling and I cut off all ties with the other woman. I never would have left my wife for her, was never even a thought. It was more so getting the attention I didn't get at home.
So she would have to do similar tactics to prove it's what she wanted. Namely her best friend would have to go. The girl has been an issue since the minute she came around.
Do I want to get back together with my WW? I don't really think so. During this separation I have discovered a lot about myself and what I want out of life. She no longer really fits that category.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
As someone reading in, to me your situation seems to be one of the most hopeful stories I have come across. There seems to be a lot of passion and love between the two of you. The problems seem to be that you are both afraid of getting hurt and are thus doing anything you can to protect yourselves, instead of each other. You are still posting here, so I am assuming it's because on some level you want things to work? what are some of the benefits that there would be with reconciliation? how would you feel at this point if she truly moved on?
I wouldn't go that far and say we can't work past our issues for fear of being hurt. It's kind of funny. Since our separation we have both been heading for the same goals. New careers, both work out, both spend more time with the kids, both want to go to same places on vacations, etc. Yet we are still different.
I would be fine if she moved on. I think there would be a ping of sadness, but at the end of the day I think it would be fine.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Wow. I guess i totally misinterpreted it. Sorry. I am really happy for you then and will continue to read your story as a success and inspiration. You are the LBS that kind of became the WAS (and I mean that in a good way). Something I think many of us fantasize about.
I hope you keep posting.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
It wasn't all butterflies and rainbows to get me to this point. It took a lot of work to get me here. Plenty of nights were spent crying, praying and dreaming of a life with her again. But the longer this went on, the more lies that were exposed, the more I gal'd, the more I realized that I was ready to move forward. There is a line from a movie called The Crow. "It can't rain all the time" and that is what we all have to realize. That the pain does fade, that the clouds lift and the sun can shine again. It just takes time, it takes patience and it takes a lot of reflecting to get there.
When my WW and I first started dating, we were making crap for money. Neither of us really were doing anything that would be a career, we struggled. Soon though she went back to school (I followed) and she found a new career path where she soon was making just over 6 figures. When she got to that point, her attitude changed. She treated our friends like crap. She treated everyone like they were beneath her. She even yelled at a cashier at Trader Joe's and called them the "help" when the cashier wouldn't let my WW have her way. I always was behind her, apologizing to everyone for her pissy attitude. Be it to our friends, my family, her family or even my childrens nanny. She no longer has that, since we split up she lost that job and had a very hard time finding another. She now makes substantially less than she did 6 months ago. Several of "our" friends want nothing to do with her, due to her attitude and the way she treats people. I realized that by me making excuses, I was enabling her behavior, I no longer am there to play clean up. And I think that she is having a hard time being accountable for her actions.
I don't want to be with someone like that.
This last weekend I took the newer GF out of town and she met some friends of mine who are older (their son is a good friend, they are like second parents to me, they have known me for 20+ years and met every girl I have ever dated). Their review on the new girl was outstanding, that she was sweet, charming, kind, etc. That they liked her more than any other girl I had ever dated and said that for the first time in a long time I was happy.
That really hit me hard. I didn't realize how unhappy I was with my ex over the last few years. She claims she was miserable, but I think I was worse. I spent the majority of my days trying to walk on ice with her, where the smallest issue would turn into a huge fight. If I didn't cook what she wanted for dinner, do the laundry, etc, she would blow up and storm around the house screaming. I lived like that for 3-4 years, just doing whatever it took to make her happy. I think that was my problem when she left because I did so much for her and sadly I still do. But those days are over, she knows it and is now in "desperation mode". She finally realizes that it's no longer her call to get back together, that I do not want her back or the "newer" her back.
If I can do it so can you. Be strong, know that there is happiness out there, you just have to work to get it. It can't rain all the time...
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Ghost, it's hard. It can be a battle. But this forum, the list, the books, etc can really help out in the long run. You have the tools to make it better, go for it!
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
