H has started an affair 2

[Anna25]

Weekend is a little tough when H doesn't have to come home to watch the kids, so he might skip coming home. I really don't know if he does or doesn't. Me still wanting to see him even for 5 min is pathetic, I know.

H told me last night that he will do an overnight camp at nearby desert with guys this week because he gets the rare same day off with his friends. I told him to have fun, and he told me to be mad.
I don't know if OW is also going. H seems to feel bad, so maybe, or just feels guilty that he has his fun and I'm not even mad.

[Anna25]

Hi Sotto,
We live in a state where everything is 50/50 and no fault. Of course we can decide otherwise if we agree, but by law there is not much force for H to pay for anything to me if he decides to quit being in the family. But yes, second opinion is always a good thing.

Yes I've been GALing mostly with kids on the weekend and by myself during the week when H can watch the kids. However, it is still forced and I'm doing that more so H will notice than for myself. It's hard to get out of that mentality...

[Painter]

It sounds like you very much need to start building a support network focused on child care. How about making a list of resources you have and resources you need?

- Family
- Friends
- Mother's groups (trade with someone who works days or weekends?)
- Live-in child care? An au-pair?
- Professional child care options

Just tossing out some ideas...

[Anna25]

Hi Painter,

Thanks for the suggestions. The issue is I'm a foreigner here and I don't have any of my family here, only in-laws. The other issue is a budget of course...

But I'm more concerned about kids stability. Especially my older one (D3) She is definitely sensing that something is up and noticing H's increased absense. Of course kids don't know exactly what is going on, but I know they feel anxiety.
This week when I went to my class at night, SIL watched them because H had to work. An old me would have cancelled the class, but I went this time. But when I picked them up, both of kids started crying and I felt so bad for them. They need me now more than ever since they feel things are not quite right.

So how does everyone handle GALing and parenting? I'm very torn about this right now...

[Anna25]

Last night H came home and basically he forced me to have S. I asked him to stop verbally and physically, but of course I'm no match physically .
Right after, H started apologizing profusely.

H was in such a pain. He said he is so exhausted sleeping in a car every day, feels so bad when he makes me late in the morning, when he just sees me feeling like he ruined my life. Said he doesn't know where he belongs, but not here (at home) and that he has no guts to leave me so I have to.

He told me he just wanted to get in the car and drive away, away from everything. Actually H did his solo trip (with our dog) last year just driving up the coast and camping. He said he wanted to do that but he is too broke, that he has his family to take care of.

I can see his depression is severe. How can he help himself? I know I can't talk him into getting help, but what else can I do?
Is that said trip going to help him a little? I know it's not going to cure anthning right away, but do you think it will help him to be away from us even for a week, to break out his thoughts and life patterns he is trapped in right now?
Financially it's hard, but if it really helps him, I could help a little. Or am I being too nice to acommodate that??

[Sotto]

Anna, I am sorry to hear what happened. That must have been a frightening experience for you. Do you propose to do anything about him forcing you to have non-consensual S?

From what you post, your H sounds to be in a poor state just now. It sounds more like a life crisis than just an A in my view. What age is your H?

I don't know what to suggest really. I think he needs to find the will to help himself within himself. You could tell him you are concerned that he seems so low, and ask him if he wants to make an appt to see his Dr. perhaps?

In terms of the trip, who knows if it will help. You could suggest that you would be willing to help him if he thinks it may help. Of course, it could always end up with OW somehow involved and then you may feel aggrieved to have helped.

I think I tend towards keeping boundaries intact, but offering a little more in terms of friendship and support. Not loads more - but a little more, as you are suggesting above.

But I'm no vet Anna, and perhaps someone with more experience will stop by.

Take care xx

[Anna25]

Sotto,

It is indeed his life in crisis. He is 35, but we married young, so we have been married for 12 years this year. We didn't start having kids until a few years ago, but I think he might feel missed out of things he could have done when he was younger/single.
My IC also told me OW is just a by-product of his crisis, that might be true. He was low and she was there.

I think I will suggest that I could help him a little with a condition of him trying to save money prior to the trip as well(less outing etc) and that this is going to be his solo trip without OW involved. He should also ask for his parents to watch the kids during the day. (That's what we did for his last trip)

It is frustrating and painful to see the loved one suffering, and you can not do much...

[mvgfwd2]

What you just described sounds like a S assault. I would suggest dealing with that before anything else. Forget his problems, he has crossed a very serious line that you can't just sweep away. It shows complete lack of respect for you as a person, a wife, and mother. Stop protecting him from his behavior it will only bring worse behavior. You need to take action to protect yourself, and your children, right away. Bring his family up to speed and get their assistance to deal with his behavior. it is far beyond an A now, this is extremely serious.

[WhyUs]

S assault is serious. At this point I would caution how you handle it. This is the father of your children and husband of 19yrs. Bringing family members into this would most likely be a disaster. I definately recommend setting clear boundaries with him. Do not put yourself in that position again. This is to protect you and him from his actions.

Sorry you had to go through that. If you set boundaries and make it clear to him that what he did is unacceptable and he does not respect your boundaries it will be time to take more drastic measures.

[Painter]

Last night H came home and basically he forced me to have S. I asked him to stop verbally and physically, but of course I'm no match physically .
Right after, H started apologizing profusely.

H was in such a pain. He said he is so exhausted sleeping in a car every day, feels so bad when he makes me late in the morning, when he just sees me feeling like he ruined my life. Said he doesn't know where he belongs, but not here (at home) and that he has no guts to leave me so I have to.

He told me he just wanted to get in the car and drive away, away from everything. Actually H did his solo trip (with our dog) last year just driving up the coast and camping. He said he wanted to do that but he is too broke, that he has his family to take care of.

I can see his depression is severe. How can he help himself? I know I can't talk him into getting help, but what else can I do?
Is that said trip going to help him a little? I know it's not going to cure anthning right away, but do you think it will help him to be away from us even for a week, to break out his thoughts and life patterns he is trapped in right now?
Financially it's hard, but if it really helps him, I could help a little. Or am I being too nice to acommodate that??

Only you can say if you feel this was rape or not. I also think that you need to focus on this boundary and not even consider doing anything to enable his behavior. The only thing he should be doing, is seek intensive counseling.

I hope H doesn't think that he can take advantage of your vulnerable position with no family to protect you here. I know what it feels like to be trapped in a foreign country...