We opted for a "mediated" divorce, since we already split almost everything. Our mediator said that it would be done in roughly 6 sessions (he also said he didn't want to accept a full payment because he thought we would reconcile). We went to one mediation back in March or April. After our one session was over, he said "Well, we have maybe 1 full session left and that is that..." I scheduled another one a few weeks later, she cancelled it because she had "plans" (after she agreed on it). I scheduled another one and she cancelled that one as well, because she was worried about my health (yeah right).
I have brought it up since then from time to time, but every single time she balked. About a week or two ago she agreed to finally finish it. We just have a little homework left and then we can finish it. She still hasn't done her homework, she still hasn't set the appointment nor will she talk to me about it. All she can really say is "Why rush it?" or "What if we move away and reconcile?".
At the end of the day I think she is second guessing her decision, but she will never admit it because it would mean she is wrong and she HATES being wrong.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Thanks for shedding some light. I hope I can be as strong as you. I do not think my wife would behave like yours (I think mine is done) but ya never know. If she did ever give me that hope though, that would be tough to ignore.
Pinn, you are fairly new to this. Give it time and see what happens.
It is hard ignoring her advances, but you have to learn the difference to being indifferent and uncaring. I still care about her, she attempts to temp check me from time to time and I usually have gotten quite good at telling when she is. I still keep my guard up, I still tell her as little as possible about my life and about all she get's out of me these days as for compliments (which I used to drown her in) is "You look nice" once in a while. That is it.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Whenever my WW would say "This is why I want a divorce" it would like a kick to the gut. I would buckle, beg and plead that it can be better. It wasn't until I started agreeing with her did I notice a change in her. Whenever she would say things like that, I would say "You are right, our relationship is broken." Did I mean it? Nope, but it shook her up.
A wise play write (that is one of my very favourite) says much better than I can:
"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."
Be authentic in your words.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
The superior good man is like water. Just as water enlivens all living creatures and never contests with them, dwelling in places disdained by others, So the superior good man is prepared to situate himself where nobody wants. In this way he is close to the Dao. Make where you live a good place, Make your mind a mind of depth, Give your benevolence indiscriminately to others, Speak the truth always, Govern well, Work well, To set in motion the good times, Such is the way to live without contesting with others. Such is the man free from complaints and anguish.
From Lao
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I care about my wife more than anything. I know what you mean.
Do you want to be back with her? I know you mentioned that you are not sure earlier. What is the sign that you are waiting for and how do you know she is just temp checking rather than being sincere? How can she prove it to you? I am asking to learn. Reading your thread, reminds a lot of previous break ups with my wife (gf then) and I obviously did not learn enough. If my wife were sending me those types of signals, I would definitely crumple.
I care about my wife more than anything. I know what you mean.
Do you want to be back with her? I know you mentioned that you are not sure earlier. What is the sign that you are waiting for and how do you know she is just temp checking rather than being sincere? How can she prove it to you? I am asking to learn. Reading your thread, reminds a lot of previous break ups with my wife (gf then) and I obviously did not learn enough. If my wife were sending me those types of signals, I would definitely crumple.
Honestly, Pinn... I do not know if I want her back. There has been so much damage, lies, hurt and foulness between us over the last year. I don't know if I can get over it or ever trust her.
As for proving it, I have given her a list a long time ago of what she would have to do to prove it that she wants a future with me. It was right before she left. The list has things like losing one of her longterm friends (girl is a bad influence, goes to the bar with an overnight bag). That she would have to be open and honest. Things like that.
As for temp checking, I was out of town for the weekend with the kids and my sorta-girlfriend along with her daughter. The WW showed up uninvited to my house to see the kids. She made a comment about us moving away together or something, to just get my reaction. In the end I just dismissed it and kept moving forward with the conversation. She is used to me jumping to spend time with her, talk to her, etc. That is the old me. The new me is quite happy with my life.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
I don't know if I can get over it or ever trust her.
I hope I didn't read this out of context...but no matter if you ever want o get back together with her or not you are going to need to be able to get over this and forgive her. I know it can't be right now, but eventually it needs to happen for you to truly move on with your life.
Let me rephrase it Zephyr. I do forgive her, I am over it, but the trust is gone. Even now, almost 10 months after D-Day, I still am a bit raw and believe almost nothing of what she says.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
I have been reading your situation and I was initially feeling this sentiment of " go eye tie. Your wife was unfaithful, you met someone else and now she wants you back". Something that I have admittedly fantasized about when I'm feeling very hurt.
But then if I am not mistaken, I read that you had actually had affairs first. Is this true? What is the difference in your mind? Why and how did she forgive you? Did she actually forgive you? Are there double standards? Do you ever look back and consider what she must have went through at the time? If you expected her to trust you again why is it that you cannot?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
