Rough Start, New Day

[Vanilla]

Tears are good, they are cleansing, a great release.

Cry away, let the tears fall, the lacrimal fluid is toxic, every tear wrings bitterness from the outside in. They are tears you need never cry again.

You handled your teenagers well.

Be aware WH will be steaming, great care needed, be safe, be very safe. I hope you recorded the convo.

V

[Ancaire]

I've got a question for those of you have forgiven an affair. I was thinking tonight about different outcomes and possibilities. What if H ever gets his head straight and wants to build something better?

I've seen his skank. Gross. I shuddered all over and thought "it would never work. There is no way I could ever let him touch me again after he's been with that.

I cannot be the only person whose spouse has gone for an affair down. How on earth do people get past that? I'm really curious, and would like to understand.

[asitis]

First,... is a deep & profound book that should be read at some point in one's life after they have enough life experience with difficulty but still have some time live life after having the opportunity to let it work on them.

On the can you get over it questions: yes, you can. I haven't had to deal w/ an A, but people do, just like they wonder if they can ever go back after they've sworn that there was no going back. Can you now? Of course not. Should you go back if you get the opportunity? Who knows. Should you hold out hope for your M? There is a difference between holding out hope and not slamming,locking, and barring the door shut. Can you just accept that you just can't know the future, but that you do know that what is healthy for you and your kids is to move ahead with your life & let your H deal with the mess he has made of his?

Your question is really asking whether you should hold out hope or move on, isn't it? We can't answer that for you. I suspect your gut is telling you later, but you have that little nagging doubt and want permission to move along. So, move along and let the future take care of itself. There are too many ifs there to worry about. If your H comes to his senses, if he really recognizes and acknowledges what he has done and the price you and the kids have paid, if he is willing to work on your R under whatever conditions you set, if he sticks to that, and if that is sufficient to regain trust, respect, affection, and love for him. Cheeseless tunnel in my opinion. Just make the best decision you can. If the future presents you with new information, evaluate it then.

In the meantime, give yourself permission to feel what you feel. The anger, disgust, hurt of betrayal and disrespect,etc. At some point, you'll want to let go of the anger, as it really is hurting you not him. But otherwise, you are showing yourself some self-care by recognizing that you are worth a whole lot more than he is valuing you for, and that your value has nothing to do with his actions and choices.

[Ancaire]

Wow, Asitis. You blew me away with that response. It was dead on.

I will follow your advice and leave it for another day. I will also take care not to permanently bar the door.

I feel good about my decisions, but now I'm as bad as H. I want it done now...lol

I miss the friend he used to be, you know? I could talk to him about anything. This loneliness is awful.

[overcom]

Wow judy I'm so.happy you are.moving on.. I need to.get my head straight too. I not letting him get to me anymore. I will continue to use you as my inspiration.
I've always wanted to go to school for court report but it's really expensive. So I'm just gonna stick to being a legal secretary for now. I wish I can move out of California I hate it here but my kids would hate me if I took them far from their dad. So I'm stuck here maybe amd definitely an idea to move further away but I'm not ready to go there just yet. I hate the loneliness too. He used to be my soul supporter in everything. You think you've seen ugly. Ha you haven't seen the ow my h is with....
ANYWAY WE ARE THE PRIZE. HUGS HUN

[Ancaire]

Thanks so much, Overcome. I'm doing the best I can.

Today I came to the realization I owe H an apology for mistakes I made early on. The apology is not for him, or in hopes of R. I just know I need to do it. I was overwrought, emotional, and did my fair share of damage right after BD.

I know who I am, and those actions do not reflect well on me at all. I'm not expecting much from him in return...but I need to do it for myself.

I'm tired of the drama. I'm not adding to it anymore.

Wish me luck, guys!

[Ancaire]

Great.

The apology went fine. Then I let him bait me into R talk, and ended with me lecturing him about Skank before I ended with "have a nice life."

Ugh. Not happy with myself right now.

[Ancaire]

This afternoon another talk. (This is Judy...Changed my screen name, Ancaire = Irish for Anchor.) Went a lot better. I told H some of my plans. He knows I'm leaving to take some time (6 mos to a year) to heal. He looked so sad. I told him I would be arranging temporary spousal support, but not D. If he wanted D, he'll have to handle through attorney. Told him I was in no shape to deal with any of it right now. We talked about possible MC in the future.

Not feeling very hopeful. He's involved with Skank right now. I told him we couldn't even work on anything as long as she is in the picture, and he's not even willing to meet me part way. Reiterated I want no part of old marriage. Not willing to settle. If we don't go to MC, we won't be together again.

All in all, I'm okay with it. I have no idea how people think I've come a long way. I can't get through a day without crying. I just know what I want and am willing to do what it takes to get there...with (hopefully) or without him. I want to be fine either way. He was once a good man. He could be again if he works at it.

I will never allow myself to be this hopeless and lost again. It's the worst feeling in the world.

So much to do now that I've made decisions. I want very little from the house, going to let kids get what they want and sell the rest...massive yard sale. I call it the house of broken dreams. Traveling light. :-)

[ep0215]

Ancaire - see I found you!

You will get there, I promise. It takes a lot of self care along the way. I learned that right off the bat from my IC. I stayed in the marriage and 'the victim' after BD at my emotional expense. No more! I still cry and like Sunny said on my thread, it is ok to cry. We need to cry! The crying will get fewer and farther between and for shorter periods of time. I find that I only tear up now and can usually stop it before it gets to tears. Because I am awesome! I will be adored! If not by H then by a really, really, good man. You will too!

[Ancaire]

Thanks EP! I'm having to make decisions much faster than I'd prefer because lease is up on our house, price is going up, and H wants no part of me moving with him..lol

I would much rather have been in a position to take my time, but that's not what I got.

Since crying is so good for me, I'll just keep it going. What I dislike most is breaking down when I'm out and about. Sobbing at a red light, sheesh! I must look insane.