Hi Everyone, I've been reading DB for the past 5 months, but now feel the need to post. Despite reading these boards, I have failed at divorce busting in almost every way possible.
My husband left around 5 months ago. We were married for 3 years. The month before he left, I got the ILYBINILWY. Things were downhill from there. I knew he wasn't happy for a while, and I wasn't either, but we had a lot going against us (I'm in residency and he is underemployed.) I thought things would get better soon, because I was almost done with the most grueling year of residency, but he didn't wait it out. He told me he wanted a divorce over the phone when I was in another state for work. I begged and pleaded and convinced him to stay, but a week later I got home from work and he had left to stay with a friend. He insisted that it wasn't necessarily permanent, that he just needed space to think, without pressure, but I couldn't handle the idea that he wanted to see if he was happier without me. He agreed to marriage counseling, but after the first session he said he couldn't do this anymore. Somehow after begging and pleading, I convinved him to stay, and he moved back home.
For the next two weeks he stayed in the house, but the voice in the back of my head was telling me that I was holding on to someone who didn't really want to be with me. And of course everything I did annoyed him, and he spent most of his time online or watching tv. Finally I told him calmly that if he wanted to leave, he should just go. He said ok, called his best friend, and left the next morning. That was 4.5 months ago.
I begged, pleaded, etc etc but it didn't work anymore. He insisted there was nobody else. Things were pretty terrible and I would beg him to talk to me, and he would just tell me how he didn't love me anymore, he checked out over a year ago, I was a terrible partner etc. he was so angry. He told me things like how he wasn't honest with himself when he married me, we misrepresented ourselves and we couldn't rekindle our love because it was based on something that never existed. He said he had zero interest in working on our marriage, and he just wanted to be done.
One day I ran into him, and told him I missed him, and he said he missed me too, and we talked for a little, and he said maybe we should see the marriage counselor because he realized he did love me once. I told him I would be willing to go, but when I asked him about it a few days later, he said that he meant we should see them in 5 months from now, and only to talk about where we both were, because he wasn't sure reconciliation even made sense.
A few weeks later I found out that he had started sleeping with someone soon after he moved out. Realistically, I'm aware that it probably started before he left. He said she was someone random, who had also just gotten out of a relationship. He told me to just imagine someone who embodied everything I hated, and I wouldn't be far from the truth. Once I found that out, I realized this was over, and I couldn't see myself being with him again (not that the option was ever presented to me). That was about two months ago. It was more than just a one night stand because they became facebook friends a month later. Yes, I have stopped checking his page entirely since then.
Things have been terrible since then, and all of our interactions are pretty unpleasant. Finally I started the divorce process, because I knew he would never get around to it, and I didn't want to be married to someone who was sleeping with someone else.
But I just feel so awful and so empty. I miss him terribly, I miss being married, and I feel so betrayed. And it's hard to accept that he stopped loving me. But at the same time, I can't see us back together again. So I'm not really sure where I fit in on these boards, because there's nothing left to divorce bust. I want him back, I miss my husband, but he's not worth fighting for anymore. But need help moving on, because I still try to provoke him, just for attention.
I know I need to GAL and detach. I hope that by posting here I will finally get the motivation and support to do so.
Me: early 30s Husband: early 30s Married 3 years, together 6 No children
ILYBINILWY: 3/2015 He asks for divorce: 4/2015 Moves out for good: 5/2015 I start the divorce process 8/2015
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Finally I started the divorce process, because I knew he would never get around to it, and I didn't want to be married to someone who was sleeping with someone else.
But I just feel so awful and so empty. I miss him terribly, I miss being married, and I feel so betrayed. And it's hard to accept that he stopped loving me. But at the same time, I can't see us back together again. So I'm not really sure where I fit in on these boards, because there's nothing left to divorce bust. I want him back, I miss my husband, but he's not worth fighting for anymore. But need help moving on, because I still try to provoke him, just for attention.
I know I need to GAL and detach. I hope that by posting here I will finally get the motivation and support to do so.
Hi Tiny - I'm really sorry you are here.
May I ask why you started the D process if you don't want to be divorced?
Also, what have you been doing the last few months? If you've been here for a while, you'll know that the DB process is about you and not him. So what are you working on?
May I ask why you started the D process if you don't want to be divorced?
Also, what have you been doing the last few months? If you've been here for a while, you'll know that the DB process is about you and not him. So what are you working on?
That's a good question. I started it because he told me multiple times he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be married to me. He's already acting like we're not married. And it makes me feel ill that I'm married to someone who is involved with someone else. I also know my H and he will probably never file, because it involves time and effort
I also have a financial incentive to get this process started. At one point he threatened me with alimony, and while I don't think he'll actually try to get anything from me, I'll be much better off if our divorce is finalized before I finish residency.
As for what I am working on...i haven't been working on very much. That's part of the reason why I started posting, to help give me that extra motivation and insight. I need to work on becoming more social and building up my support system, to start with.
Me: early 30s Husband: early 30s Married 3 years, together 6 No children
ILYBINILWY: 3/2015 He asks for divorce: 4/2015 Moves out for good: 5/2015 I start the divorce process 8/2015
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Your training is very demanding and absorbing. It takes a great deal of energy and I know cost. You will be tired and if dedicated exhilarated.
My own sitch is one of knowing that I will D, mainly as an abused W. I was a WAW and like you not wayward. My WH cheated almost from day 1 of our M.
I asked the same question, where do I fit, all across the board I saw LBS and although I knew I wasn't an LBS, I had decided BD, although ultimately like you WH left by mutual agreement. He wanted to be wayward and I wanted a loving H. This wasn't it.
I also read about WWs across the board who wanted to repair their R. My WH wasn't in MLC either. He was unfaithfully and trolling for POWs. In essence a particular OW wasn't the issue, he wasn't infatuated with a certain OW. After one dalliance, likely another.
I am telling you this because all of us fit here. Our sitches are unique and we are looking to grow develop and find answers for ourselves. DB is about doing that which works for us, for making changes and the right changes to repair our M or R or create a new one with the same person possibly.
My journey has taken a year and when I arrived I knew it was going to be a long journey, I had a lot of work to do, so that I found boundaries, detachment and freedom from abuse.
So it is.
Anniversaries are hard to work through. You will get there with work on you.
There is nothing you can do to change your WH, that's his journey his job.
I wish you peace
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I didn't do anything to GAL today, I know I should have but I'm having trouble starting. My best friend just got married, another one is about to deliver her first baby, and two others live out of state. I meant to take my dog to a new dog park this morning, but I overslept.
I did make an effort to go outside with my dog (she stays with me some weekends)and made small talk with some neighbors. Unfortunately, most of them know him, and recognize my dog through him, so it's bittersweet.
And his divorce attorney lives on my block, and our dogs are friends. So on our would-be anniversary, I got to run into his divorce attorney, and had to stand around awkwardly because our dogs kept trying to wrestle. Then I did something stupid, and texted him to tell him again how I hated that he picked This particular attorney to represent him because it's a constant reminder of our divorce. He basically ignored me, which made me feel worse, because at least when he argued with me I felt like he still cared in some way.
On the bright side, normally I would have just tried to keep provoking him to get a response (my weakness is being ignored), but I didn't go that far today. So that's something.
V thank you for your perspective and for sharing your story.
Me: early 30s Husband: early 30s Married 3 years, together 6 No children
ILYBINILWY: 3/2015 He asks for divorce: 4/2015 Moves out for good: 5/2015 I start the divorce process 8/2015
Oh! One other thing I did is replace most of the things that remind me of him. A big one was my bed, because he picked out the last one, and I hated it. We had chosen one together online, but instead he came home with one we had never even considered, and it was twice as expensive, and ugly. He said it was the nicest one when he saw them in person, but at the time I was just angry that he spent so much on something without consulting me. Once he left, looking at the bed made me feel terribly guilty, because he meant well, and I criticized him for it. On the other hand, his lack of financial responsibility was a big issue between us. Anyway, my new bed came this week and I love it. But I miss him.
Me: early 30s Husband: early 30s Married 3 years, together 6 No children
ILYBINILWY: 3/2015 He asks for divorce: 4/2015 Moves out for good: 5/2015 I start the divorce process 8/2015
