I thought I would some more thoughts and comments that came from session the other night. I had typed out a long post yesterday, but it some how got deleted before I hit submit.
First, though, I have to admit that since the session I have been having dreams/fantasies/ thoughts about some sort of last minute reconciliation. Ugh. Part of it is reading a few recent success story posts. Those always make me really emotional. In one respect they make me hopeful, but in another they make me sad and jealous. Sad that I apparently am not worth fighting for in my H's eyes and jealous that someone else's spouse did.
Anyway, with regard to the session: -H told C that he was really hurt that I basically kicked him out of the house without any warning. Said he did not remember me giving him my boundry, so I had to remind him how it all went. He felt there should have been a discuss before I back his stuff up. Well, we know how all of those discussions went before. -He said I filed without notice, which is also not true because I sent him a TM two days before I did. He was hurt by that as well. -His timeframe of when he checked out of M changed about a half a dozen times during the session. Went from the course of 5 years ago to Last December with the fight in March being the last straw. -H said my irrational/unstable behavior the past few weeks confirmed everything. This would be filing when I said never would and packng his things up. - C backed up my behavior given the A and that that is how most people react. This has been confirmed by reading After the Affair. -I can tell he is still hiding his true pain and was not fully upfront about how much he was hurt in M. -He does not want long term R with OW. Just meeting needs temporaily. -He can't see how to get past this or trust things will be different. IC told him they very much could if we both put in the work.
The sad part was realizing that we were both hurting for the very same reason-lack of emotional connection. We were both felt lonely, undesired, and under appreciated. Of course we each needed our needs met in unique ways, but both of us dealt with it all in unhealthy ways. Withdrawing, not communicating, resentment, A, etc instead of trying to move toward each other. We just lacked the skills needed to do the right thing. I still see there is time. He thinks it is too late.
Still think some truths from IC might have stuck. At least he was for once hearing it from a neutral person.
Back to my reading assignment.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Just a thought, but If he thinks it's too late why did he agree to go to counseling and to read the book? Also why would he admit that OW is not long term?
I just read on someone else's thread that with time many WHs do come back, but usually it's too late because LBS has already moved on.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
In one respect they make me hopeful, but in another they make me sad and jealous. Sad that I apparently am not worth fighting for in my H's eyes and jealous that someone else's spouse did.
No, someone else's spouse had a bit of character and the ability to change, and was therefore worth forgiving... That's how I see the outcome. If my H doesn't do the work to repair and improve our M, he's not worthy of me.
Originally Posted By: BT13
Anyway, with regard to the session: -H told C that he was really hurt that I basically kicked him out of the house without any warning. Said he did not remember me giving him my boundry, so I had to remind him how it all went. He felt there should have been a discuss before I back his stuff up. Well, we know how all of those discussions went before. -He said I filed without notice, which is also not true because I sent him a TM two days before I did. He was hurt by that as well. -His timeframe of when he checked out of M changed about a half a dozen times during the session. Went from the course of 5 years ago to Last December with the fight in March being the last straw. -H said my irrational/unstable behavior the past few weeks confirmed everything. This would be filing when I said never would and packng his things up. - C backed up my behavior given the A and that that is how most people react. This has been confirmed by reading After the Affair. -I can tell he is still hiding his true pain and was not fully upfront about how much he was hurt in M. -He does not want long term R with OW. Just meeting needs temporaily. -He can't see how to get past this or trust things will be different. IC told him they very much could if we both put in the work.
The sad part was realizing that we were both hurting for the very same reason-lack of emotional connection. We were both felt lonely, undesired, and under appreciated. Of course we each needed our needs met in unique ways, but both of us dealt with it all in unhealthy ways. Withdrawing, not communicating, resentment, A, etc instead of trying to move toward each other. We just lacked the skills needed to do the right thing. I still see there is time. He thinks it is too late.
Still think some truths from IC might have stuck. At least he was for once hearing it from a neutral person.
Back to my reading assignment.
Sounds extremely similar to what we've been dealing with. Rewriting history to justify decisions, and yes - similar unmet needs.
I think time has helped us in many ways. It's been 9 months since the A ended (supposedly) and I think H is starting to feel like life is returning to normal.
And when it comes to your H being adamant about wanting D - believe nothing of what they say and 50% of what they do.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Just a thought, but If he thinks it's too late why did he agree to go to counseling and to read the book? Also why would he admit that OW is not long term?
I just read on someone else's thread that with time many WHs do come back, but usually it's too late because LBS has already moved on.
I had those thoughts too. 1)We will see if he has read the book in two weeks. I truly hope he does. I bought it as well. All about EFT and has some great info. Very science based which will resonate with H 2) He said at C he wanted to see if we can figure out way to work better through D.
Still months until D.
Last edited by BT13; 09/24/1503:50 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
In one respect they make me hopeful, but in another they make me sad and jealous. Sad that I apparently am not worth fighting for in my H's eyes and jealous that someone else's spouse did.
No, someone else's spouse had a bit of character and the ability to change, and was therefore worth forgiving... That's how I see the outcome. If my H doesn't do the work to repair and improve our M, he's not worthy of me.
Yes, you are right. Love this!!
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I apologize in advance, but this is going to be a long one!! Such bad insomnia the past few weeks. My mind is in overdrive with thoughts because of reading my assignment. I think maybe I got 3 hours last night and pretty much the same the few nights before that.
Just finished After the Affair last night. Amazing how one book can lead to so many aha moments and connecting of dots. I am wondering if the plan our C has for us on is to switch books. I have no idea how things in going in paradise with H and OW. Out of sight, more out of mind. It is one of the benefits of him out of the house. Nor do I necessarily care. I do not hear from him at all. I had to text him about something D related and he was back to being short and contentious. I was sure to add pleasantries regardless. Too tired of being angry and back to having more empathy again.
I think there is so much more baggage that we bring from childhood or past relationship than we realize. Part of that is not wanting to admit that you in some ways did not have the perfect childhood or parents. Also, until you see or understand some of what is going on in the context of yourself, it is hard to see how you may be doing the same to your spouse. What is crazy, is that I knew none of this relationship stuff prior to DB and counseling (BT banging head on wall). I do think for next M, if there is one, premarital counseling is a must. The first step in change is understanding what it is that we do that is unhealthy and why. Not all of it is so obvious.
Here are some of my aha moments:
-My biggest emotional triggers from childhood: feeling unsafe, not feeling listened to, not feeling special, and unable to express myself. Not expressing myself and not feeling listened to are the strongest triggers.
-One of the biggest realizations is finally understanding why I think I would get so upset at H, but have a horrible time articulating why. I honestly don't think I knew because it is such a subtle thing, yet at the same time so big. I think that because talking about emotion and feelings was absent from my childhood, I never really learned how to deal with understanding and expressing them. Plus, I am a conflict avoider. People might not like or love me if I say what is on my mind. I would feel things, but would not know how to process it in healthy ways. So when I do express my feelings it is a big deal. To take that step only to feel dismissed just shuts me down. I have really been working on expressing myself in a number of ways: work, H, mom, and friends. I have learned my lesson that bottling stuff up does no one any good and in order to have a healthy R, this has to change.
With H, I would share issues or concerns I was having at work, family or friends, but he would in many cases not listen, give me a solution, or tell me I was over-reacting. I guess that it made me feel stupid, like I could not figure out my own solution, or that I was being childish or silly. What I really wanted and needed was for him to just listen, comfort, and be empathetic. This was with both major stuff and smaller things. I don't know how many times I explained to him what I did for my career. Then one day at a family holiday gathering he announced that he had no clue what I did at work. I found it very hurtful and like he looked down at my job. After that, I was not really interested in sharing when he asked how my day at work was. Other times I would explode because he made me feel stupid.
-Another realization is that growing up I felt unimportant and not special. My parents ran their own business, so they were not around a lot. When they were, there was not a great deal of affirmations or encouragement doled out. Definitely lots of criticism. My H was the first person to truly make me feel special, vibrant, sexy, important, and loved. But about two years into our marriage he slowly stopped doing many of the things he did to expressed this and I started to have insecure thoughts about how invested he was. I don't know if it was school or he just got lazy. The said part is that this insecurity caused me to test him by pushing his buttons. The more our emotional connection broke-down, the more I started to feel like his mother. Not a young, energetic, desirable wife. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, baby him when hurt or sick. All while he went to school, which was his only responsibility except for house maintenance and yard work. He got to spend his summers hiking and camping, while I was at home dealing with everyday life. I am not sure why I took so much on, but resentment certainly set in. The less desirable I felt and the more we became disconnected, the less interested in sex I became. I guess I should have put more responsibility on him, but I think as wives we sometimes feel we need to emulate our mothers. The other lesson here is that I need to feel these positive things without my H's help and I am working on it.mThat would have helped things tremendously.
-I am speculating here, but I also wonder after reading the book, if my H does not have deeper seeded issues from being cheated on my his previous fiancé that were compounded by our lack of sex. What I read is that men who are cheated on think it is because they are sexually inadequate. So for my H to have that experience with his fiancé and then to have an inadequate sex life with me, I could see how that could be extremely painful and damaging to the core of who he is. When we first talked about his A, he did mention he felt broken and how painful it was to not have that. The OW confirmed that he was not broken in that way. But it very likely his fiancés affair had nothing to do with his ability to perform that way. I know for me it really had anything to do with his performance or my attraction to him, but it had everything to do with not feeling emotionally connected and resentment. I know I own my part in not digging deeper to figure out the problem. Obviously, I knew it was an issue and that should have been enough, but my H not telling me how hurtful it was for him did not help. I can 100% say that he never communicated much about this with me other than saying we should have more sex.
Well there were a number of needs I was not having met either, but it was never an option to walk out on my M and have an A. I don't know how many times I told him I needed him to be more romantic, do things with other couples/friends, and take initiative with planning things like trips and dates. Unfortunately, if it was not important to H, he was not going to do it.
Anyway, that might seem very critical of my H, but it is an important part of how we arrived here and to learn how to reckonize and mend in the future. I really do appreciate the learning in all of this.
Last edited by BT13; 09/26/1512:16 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
It sounds like this book really opened your mind to some very profound insights about yourself, and how you would like to change. That is great!
I wanted to mention that I have experienced many of the feelings you have - being the 'mom' in the relationship, feeling unseen, etc. - but I have tried to talk to H about it for over a decade, asked him over and over what he feels, talked to counselors to find other ways for me to approach him, and so on. It made no difference whatsoever. So don't feel like you failed by being inarticulate about your feelings. I was told by a male IC that I expressed my needs clearly, in an unblaming way, that my needs were very basic and reasonable, and that I didn't play guessing games.
I hope you get some sleep soon. I blended some aromatherapy oils that helped me tremendously, put me to sleep and helped me sleep through the night. It's a mix of bergamot, lavender, ylang ylang and frankinscence. I sold it to many people and got great feedback from everyone I talked to after. I put it on my pillow so I can smell it all night.
Another solution is of course a short-term prescription. You really need your sleep to function properly.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Crappy weekend. No real exciting GAL plans. Like many others, all of my friends are married so weekends are hit or miss sometimes.. Went for an extra walk today, so got in over 5 miles. Tried on some old clothes and I am only about 10lbs from fitting in clothes I have not been able to wear in about 10 years. That made me feel slightly better, but overall feeling lonely and sad today. Seem to be missing H lately (the pre BD one). Maybe because it's fall and it was always our favorite time of year. Also, anniversary is just aound the corner in 10 days. Supposed to be working in financial discloser, but don't want to, so procrastinating. Yuck.
Last edited by BT13; 09/27/1501:18 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
