Time to let go......how?

[Azzork]

Her feelings are not there and when i feel like i am showing her how things can be it seems like i am still pursuing her.

Thats why its important that the changes are for you. For example, I dress one level up from where I used to because it gives me confidence. I dont just do it on days I see my W - I do it every day. Its for me. You want to change and allow her to notice it organically - not change, just to show her you have changed; that wont last.

One more thing. The last time we had a disagreement about a month ago she told me that i just think the kids will be taken care of and i can do whatever i want but she has to go through a whole process to make sure things are done. This is actually something that may have been from our M, but during the past 5 months it has not been so. So, now to hear her say i am spending too much time with the kids is shocking. She just does whatever she wants now.

Yep. nothing you do or say will please her right now. She knows that what you had isnt working....but exactly what or why or how wont come until she realizes that the changes she needed were within HER.

[otw]

thanks, i know that i could give her everything in the world and it would not matter. I laugh at myself thinking sometimes, what would she do if i won the lottery! then i think what would i do?!

[sandi2]

I just saw you wave at me on another thread. I think you've received pretty good advice from Azzork. As for what you said of the thoughts you had when she didn't like you taking up so much of her time with the kids, I agree 100%. That describes a WW. However, Azzork has the right approach that you should take.

My response was "OK" and walked away. Now i know she may feel she is not getting her time with the kids and i know she needs that but please here my thoughts. First i wanted to say well maybe you shouldnt be going out all of the time, always running to the gym and dumping them, maybe you shouldnt live your life on your phone, maybe you should do things with them other than yell. Second i wanted to say was, the kids want me around and ask me to do these things and make comments about her. then i wanted to say, you are pushing for a S and i know my time with kids will become limited so i am getting everything i can in.
On one hand i am mad that she said this considering her behavior. On another i feel for her wanting time, but out of the blue now...what about the past 5 months. The kids show me more affection and i think it is hurting her.

The WW is motivated by pure selfishness, and often has jealousy thrown in with it. She doesn't want to devote time and attention the kids need from her, but she doesn't want them to favor you. I know it sounds kind of sick, but that's how a lot of WW's feel & think.

I know you must want to throw it back in her face. I sure would be tempted, if it were me. But it will do no good. And she would probably take it out on the kids.

I strongly recommend setting a schedule and when each parent has the kids. Then stick to it. If you are concerned about the welfare of your kids, get physical custody. Do not tell her what the kids told you about her! If you do, they won't trust you again.

Btw, validation doesn't mean you agree with her, or kissing her behind. It doesn't mean you tell her a bunch of warm fuzzes. It means you let her know you hear her. She doesn't have to feel the way you want her to feel. She doesn't have to make decisions just b/c you want her to. You may not agree, but they are valid to her. Neither should you insult her by patronizing her, if that makes sense.

[otw]

Thanks guys,
I did not have any discussion or communication about the instance last night. we had a busy evening and it flew by. I plan on drafting a sample of either a text or email about this and running it by here first. I may have it as a discussion with her instead, but writing down my thoughts first helps me. I must admit, i am nervous about having it as a discussion as i am still fearful of her bringing things up about the separation. Not that avoiding it will keep it from happeneing, but I dont want my emotions or feelings getting sucked back into the bad place.

be back soon looking for thoughts.

[otw]

Here is what i have come up with so far....


W, I have been thinking about how you feel I have been occupying all of the kids time and you are not getting the time with them that you want. I know that must feel terrible. I also know that we both want to spend as much time possible with the kids.
Saying that I believe that we should come up with a schedule for doing things with the children in order for them to get as much time with each of us as possible. I am open to suggestions on how we sort this out, but I have given it some thought and have a few ideas


I have not put together my ideas yet, but the gist is here. I also will change the wording slightly if i send it instead of discussing.

thoughts?

[sandi2]

W, I have been thinking about how you feel I have been occupying all of the kids time and you are not getting the time with them that you want. I know that It must have felt terrible. I also know that we both want to spend as much time as possible with the kids.
Saying that, I believe that if we work together in making a schedule for having equal time with the children, then hopefully, each of us will have time to share in their activities. I am open to suggestions on how we sort this out, but I have given it some thought and have a few ideas

The less you throw in "I know" and "I believe", the less it will sound as if you are pushing this down her throat. She needs to feel this isn't all about you and your bright ideas, and that she gets to have a say about it. When you say you are open to suggestions....and then add, "but I have given it some thought and have a few ideas".....it sounds as if you are steam roller over really listening to her. At least, to me, it sounds that way.

I believe a LBH and father needs to be decisive. There is a time and a way to handle things, and this time the way is with kit gloves. Then, if she won't agree to an equal time, you may have need to think about going through the court.

[otw]

Sandi
I appreciate the input. YOu feel this should be discussed or sent. I have been trying to distance myself from a lot of communication with her.

[otw]

Haven't had any discussions with wife regarding kids time yet. Did fall down a cheese less tunnel today though. I have not received anything from her regarding what she wants in separation since her getting some parents rework last week. I saw on her desk today that she started working on it. Made more reality set it. Didn't feel good even though I knew it had to come. Really hurt seeing two parts. The first is that she has written that we were separated since when she first told me she needs space. The second is that she wrote wanting to change her name back to maiden. Those hurt.
Few things I did see though that are going to be interesting. The first is the amount she claims to make from her dance instruction. I estimate almost double. She also believes she is going to care for the children before and after school still. So she believes that her lifestyle will remain the same and I will just pay for it! Sorry, on my days with children they will be my responsibility and that's that.

I guess she believes she will not have to work or do anything different.

I just need to push this out of my head and wait until she presents me with her wants and thoughts. I know this will get a little messy. Not sure what she is thinking with this.

[asitis]

Why don't you approach her about sitting down and talking through some of the easy stuff. If custody isn't too sticky a sitch, start with that. My DB coach strongly suggests going out to a coffee shop, and limit each meeting for an hour. If she agrees, you can preface your 1st meeting with how remarkable that you can both sit down together to work through this toughest time in your R.

You may end up having a little social interaction thrown in there.

Keep it to what's best for the kids, rather than a battle of wants. That's when it gets messy. Be willing to set some issues aside if you can't reach a fairly quick agreement. A creative solution may come to one of you, and you will build good will and sense of working well together early on by knocking off the easier stuff. That will likely help when the harder stuff arises.

The public location is less stressful than a home, keeps things reasonable civil, and makes it easy to get up and leave at the end of your agreed upon time limit.

Normally we say don't help the D along, but if you know you are going to get into a battle of wants and wills, heading that off and showing that you can work together may be good. You can DB a lot through those talks. You can't do as much if she creates a list of demands and you are faced with responding.

Just a thought.

[otw]

Interesting. I have been if the mindset that I will not participate in doing the work for the separation until she does the work to make it happen. I told her to bring me what she is thinking and I will review and go from there.
Not sure if me going to her with suggestions about starting to work through some things would be better.

Be fore this I was saying I don't want this and will not stop her but I will also not help her move forward.