Dealing with WW, Kids, and Divorce

[WhyUs]

I have not posted in a while. I had my prior threads deleted because I thought WW might have found the board. I will try to keep things a little more generic this time around.

So my sitch goes like this. I have been married a decade. WW is having an EA and possible PA. When I found out I did the normal begging crying and pleading. I wrote letters, tried to reason, went to church, bought gifts. I basically was the poster child of not what to do.

Right now WW is as nasty as the devil. She will do anything to keep the kids from me. She blames me for everything and lets everyone know it. She does not admit to her family or friends that the EA is serious even though she wants the OM to move near her and wants everyone to meet him.--She has literally lost all logic and reason.

Prior to all of this she was the nicest most moral person you would come by. She loved me and her children and would do anything to keep it together. Well the switch has obviously flipped.

We have had a temporary custody hearing and financial hearing. Now it is all about the divorce.

Currently my biggest issue is that WW is doing everything possible to ensure I do not see my kids. If she goes out of town she leaves them with her mother or takes them out of school to go with her. She will not allow them to play sports because I am the coach.

I am at the point now that I just want to get the divorce over with and move on with my life. WW has burned too many bridges and I honestly do not believe I will ever trust her again.

[Rouky]

Sorry to hear what is happening with your kids. Can't a L sort out you having them when W is away?

[WhyUs]

Hey Rouky,

The courts will eventually get it figured out. Right now we have temporary orders. Unless she does something really bad like harm the kids physically or deny me seeing them during my official times the court will not step in. In fact, they will most likely just be irritated. My L is aware of what is going on and I am documenting everything that she does.

Any reasonable judge will not be happy with the way she has handled things. The last thing our judge told us was to work together for the kids.

WW is in another world right now. Her only goal in life is to irritate me and make herself happy. The well-being of the kids is way down her list of things to accomplish at this time in her life.

The only thing I can do is ride out the storm until we have our final day in court. Hopefully the less I show I am irritated the less harm she will do to the children.

[WhyUs]

I have not posted about this on my thread my but I came to the realization while trying to help Spinning Jenney that I have some compulsive tendencies. This includes things like having to have stuff cleaned a certain way, leaving lights on or doors cracked open at night, folding clothes a certain way...

Over time I would get irritated and even think WW was trying to bother me by not doing things how I liked. She mentioned in therapy that she always felt like she was walking on egg shells. I am not saying this is the root of all of our issues but it is something that I have identified about myself that I want to change.

I spoke to IC today about it. She said some of the stuff I mentioned was actually normal. She asked me if I was ritualistic about things. She gave an example of tapping the sugar spoon twice every time I put it in the coffee (tea for the UK folks). I do not have that type of behavior so she did not seem overly concerned.

I told her that I felt like I should not get upset about such little things. They don't matter in the grand scheme. I told her that I want to change this about myself for my next relationship or this one it pans out. I also want to change it for my children. I do not want them to feel like they are waling on egg shells.

Anyway, just one more day of working on myself.

[WhyUs]

WW doing some different things today. She reactivated her facebook account. She started calling S19 on her new phone that she apparently was trying to hide the number from me. She knows I will see it on the call log. Then she reached out to some close friends that have been supporting me. Said she wants to meet with them.

The last time she texted them they said that they wanted the 4 of us to get together and work things out. They said we can cry together, talk together, and heal together. WW's response was that it was much more complicated than that and she has been drowning for a long time and needed to get out of a bad situation.

The friends have been irritated with the way she has handled this, particularly with the children. It will be interesting to see what happens. My guess is that she will be trying to convince them that I am a bad guy and she had to save herself and the children from me. The positive thinking would be that maybe she is reaching out to them in hopes of having her mind changed and having someone to support her in that.

We shall see this weekend I guess.

[WhyUs]

Well, received an email from WW today as well. She is apparently on a mission today. Unfortunately the email was bad and contained a bunch of what people are calling spew.

I started to respond three different times but resisted after writing it out everytime. Im not going to respond at all. Nothing positive will come of it. The only upside is that at least there is some form of effort to reach me on her part.

I mean I think that is better than nothing at all right? Who knows?

[ep0215]

Way to be strong and not respond. I know that was hard. Stay strong

[WhyUs]

Thanks epo,

I'm trying. It's hard not knowing what works and what doesn't. The hardest part is my innocent little girls being in the middle of this. When we got married we both were on the same page regarding our children. In fact, it is the one thing we have always had. Now, we are worlds apart. So tough not to act on emotion when kids are involved.

[WhyUs]

Journaling,

WW dropped the bomb just over 4 months ago. She moved out just over 3 months ago. I am amazed at how far I have come emotionally. In the beginning I was begging, crying, pleading and not eating. I lost 30lbs in two months. I just could not understand. I turned down a promotion at work that I had been trying to get for over the last 3 years. I could barely do my work. Thankfully I had an understanding supervisor. TO put it lightly, I was a wreck.

These days I am doing much better. I have made new friends and caught up with old friends. I have gone to new places in the city. I have gone out on the town at night. I have put on 6lbs. I have started training for a 1/2 marathon. I have spent more time with my family in the last 3 months than the last 3 years combined. I have started flirting with girls. I have been a much more involved father. I started going back to church and have taken my girls to church. I am doing better at work.

I'm not where I need to be yet, but I have made progress. I still have not found my purpose in life...my own road so to speak. I still need to get more involved in other activities so that I can move on. I don't think about WW as much. I have accepted that I have no control over the outcome of our M. I have accepted that she is lost and I can not give her a map to find her way home. I do get irritated with her regarding the children. I don't really even think about the OM at all. All-in-all my life has improved significantly from those first two months.

Those were the hardest days of my life and I would not wish them on anyone. For those of you just starting this journey, rest assured it does get better. I do not know if WW will ever be M with me again. To be honest, I don't think I am ready for a relationship right now, not even with her. I have to get healthy again. In the future if I find WW is the person for me then I will go that direction. It will be a new R and a new M. Of course, with children in the mix she has a leg up on the rest of the field.

That is all for now...

[tkdmme]

Whyus,

It sounds like you are doing great. You are right, the first 3 months I was a wreck too. I also lost 30lbs and couldn't stop crying. Its tough to let go and get over the guilt of failing at M. By far those first months after BD were the hardest times of my life. I still don't know how I got through it.

I am doing better as well but still have a long way to go. I still struggle with guilt about everything. I never thought this would happen to me. I hate to admit it but while writing this I am tearing up. Just the gravity of it all is so overwhelming.

Thanks you for the many posts and replies. I don't think I would have got this far without the site.

Keep it up.