Let's All Be Like Coffee

[V2pt0]

Been a while since I posted because I was out all last week on business. Had a very successful trip with busy evenings so no time to post. Oh, and I learned that I know how to do the Heimlich manuever. I was out to dinner with a bunch of colleagues when my coworker started choking and I had to jump into action. Super scary!

It has been a low-key weekend. I always turn into a homebody after being a away for work, so using the time to rest, work on new goals, re-read DR.

Other news is that H has agreed to go to couseling session tomorrow night. I am keeping my expectations very low. At this point, I feel like it can't make things worse. He decided to go after briefly speaking to the therapist. She said it took some convincing after there was some initial confusion. He and I spoke briefly before he spoke with therapist. He started spew fest, but I tried to validate as best I could, threw in some truth darts, and when he started to go into to blaming me for filing for divorce and the conversation started to go down cheeseless tunnel and I felt myself getting worked up, I said it was not constructive and ended conversation. At one point he said he still loved me too after I said I still loved him. That was the one bright spot. There is still stuff he says that makes me think he does not want D. I still think he is mostly afraid to try and work on things even though he might have parts of him that wants that. I am sure he is afraid of continuing to feel pain and to be let down again.

H stayed at house with dog while I was away. Noticed sticky note on spare bedroom dresser. Was note from OW that she assuming stuck on something that said, "thinking about you. XOXO." Not sure of his point in leaving that benind in a visible spot that I would see. Just to be hurtful??

Ok, so time for fall goals. Below are the goals I have for the next 4 months. The are in order of priority, but I reserve the right to change that up as needed!

1. Fitness and nutrition lifestyle - continue with improved fitness and nutrition lifestyle. I say lifestyle because this has to just become my way of life versus on and off again routine. This area, in particular weight, has a big impact on my emotional and mental well being and was a major factor in my unhappiness the past 7-8 years. I moved to a desk job right after H and I got married and the weight started to come on. On top of that the stresses from finances and my H's schooling did not help because I am a stress eater. The extra weight was probably the biggest factor in my unhappiness and self-esteem. Of course this affected other things like sex life and taking out my unhappiness on my H. I am just one of those people that will always have to work at being at a healthy weight. I know if an make exercise a part of my daily routine, that it will be easier to maintain. Plus, I notice a major difference in stress level when I exercise.

So a few sub goals: As far as nutrition goes, my goal is to eat healthy approximately 85% of the time. That gives me one day a week to indulge a bit. I already walk 3-4 miles every day, but would like to do a more intensive work out 4 days a week. I am also contemplating running a 1/2 marathon next spring. Out of those efforts I hope to lose another 25 lbs. My goal for the weight loss is the end of February. I would like to be half way to that goal by Thanksgiving.

2. Improving Self-esteem - I put this as almost tied with the first goal as they kind of go hand-in-hand. Many of the issues I brought to my M were directly a result of a low self-esteem. I don't think I fall on the extreme spectrum of this, but more lower to moderate. It is also more relationship based than professional as is the case with many who suffer from LSE. Some specifics areas I need to work on: saying what is on my mind, learning to be ok with confrontation, learning I am a lovable person who deserves love, learning to be vulnerable, and that I am an attractive woman. To help achieve this, I have decided to look for new IC that specializes in this.

3. GAL - continue with getting my life back. That means being more social, making new friends, trying new hobbies, and travel. Travel, especially internationally, is a big part of who I am. I want to plan a couple of domestic trips for next year--- maybe Napa and Hawaii, as well as one international trip that is not work related. Top on my list right now is Vietnam. I also plan to dive into my new city committee board position.

4. Career exploration - starting thinking about what I might want my next position to be, what opportunities are out there, and is owning my own business one of them. I am not ready to make a career move yet. There is just too much going on right now to put in the effort needed for that change.

[JulieH]

Hey bt13

You have so much going for you and so many great opportunities ahead of you. As I read your posts (and many other posters here) I just feel like your husband is going to really end up regretting this. I don't know about him leaving a note from OW, but I do question her character and lack of self respect. What type of woman does that? Seriously? She's pathetic. Time will be on your side, because as you know a relationship like that can't last. I'm new at this, but do you think the fact that he knows your still waiting for him and willing to be with him when he's ready, prolongs this? He might not be worried about losing you because he knows how much you want to reconcile?

Very interesting about the counseling though.

As for weight loss, perhaps a nutritionist might be helpful? Personally, I find that completely eliminating sugars and the bad carbs and even a lot of dairy is more helpful than allowing for some indulging because then you no longer have the cravings and can reboot your love for the healthy foods. Think of it as in reaching 5 days without sugars and then you no longer crave them. Relying on filling healthy fats like avocado and hummus and nuts has also been helpful to me. trust me, after a couple of weeks of this, you will actually find the indulging foods too sweet and nauseating. It's also a great motivator when you see results quicker. If you can divorce bust this will be a piece of cake (no pun intended )

[V2pt0]

H

Hey bt13

You have so much going for you and so many great opportunities ahead of you. As I read your posts (and many other posters here) I just feel like your husband is going to really end up regretting this. I don't know about him leaving a note from OW, but I do question her character and lack of self respect. What type of woman does that? Seriously? She's pathetic. Time will be on your side, because as you know a relationship like that can't last. I'm new at this, but do you think the fact that he knows your still waiting for him and willing to be with him when he's ready, prolongs this? He might not be worried about losing you because he knows how much you want to reconcile?

Very interesting about the counseling though.

As for weight loss, perhaps a nutritionist might be helpful? Personally, I find that completely eliminating sugars and the bad carbs and even a lot of dairy is more helpful than allowing for some indulging because then you no longer have the cravings and can reboot your love for the healthy foods. Think of it as in reaching 5 days without sugars and then you no longer crave them. Relying on filling healthy fats like avocado and hummus and nuts has also been helpful to me. trust me, after a couple of weeks of this, you will actually find the indulging foods too sweet and nauseating. It's also a great motivator when you see results quicker. If you can divorce bust this will be a piece of cake (no pun intended )

Yes, she is pathetic. Bad enough having A with married man, but to come in and stay in my home on multiple occasions is over the top. She is disgusting. I did also find out that she did go visit him while he was traveling the month of July. No wonder he was all freaked out when his parents surprised him at hotel at one of the locations a few weeks back. She may have been there.

I am actually in a really good place. I am strong enough to keep moving forward with D. I am by no means certain I would blindly and automatically R with H.

Just a few comments that came up in our conversation:
- he is still livid that I packed up his things and put them in garage. He still does not get my boundry that I would not tolerate A in my home and how that was a violation of my personal space.
-all I care about is money and stuff. Doesn't understand why my filing was in part to protect finances. Yes, I did and do worry about money, and because of that he graduated three degrees and we have zero debt. We could have been splitting up debt instead of savings.
-that I was too focused on A and not on saving our M.

Yes, I was very focused on A, but in the end I am still not sure it was a bad thing. As long as A is going on, we were never going to be at point to work on M anyway. At least I got to point to expose and it to bring it to light where it can start to die out. I was not going to sit there and pretend it was not happening and ignore his lies. If I lose my M because working to find out truth and exposing his A to him, so be it. I have too much self-respect to live like that.

[JulieH]

I am glad you are in a good place. I suspect that Moving forward is so much easier then waiting in limbo. (Kind of like md test results. The waiting is the worst part but once you know where you stand you can proceed with action and dignity)

I do understand how frusturating it is dealing with someone that is so far removed from your viewpoint. Kind of like debating with a political hyper vigilante extremist. They are just incapable of rational thought and reflection. It feels like a waste of time to even try. You really have no other option then proceeding with an action that will protect you. It seems like something is clearly black and he keeps saying its white. How do you handle this? You stop playing, which is what you did by filing. His reasoning is just so distorted I get mad when I read this!

I would love to understand psychologically what happens to them to accept this "narcissistic" reasoning? Is it part of their makeup? Something we never recognized in them early on? A weakness they develop because they simply can't handle life? How they were raised? My husband's mom is a big time enabler. I guess it really doesn't matter the whys, but how we proceed.

Personally, I still have to get to that point of proceeding with action. I am still examining my situation making sure it is not white or gray before I make a move. I don't have proof of other woman and I don't really get the feeling there is one anymore. But that whole child support issue is pretty black in everyone's eyes.

So I really look at how you are handling your situation as very helpful. I see you as a success story because of how graciously you are handling this and because of how much you have going for you.

[Ancaire]

I am actually in a really good place. I am strong enough to keep moving forward with D. I am by no means certain I would blindly and automatically R with H.


Yes, I was very focused on A, but in the end I am still not sure it was a bad thing. As long as A is going on, we were never going to be at point to work on M anyway. At least I got to point to expose and it to bring it to light where it can start to die out. I was not going to sit there and pretend it was not happening and ignore his lies. If I lose my M because working to find out truth and exposing his A to him, so be it. I have too much self-respect to live like that.

I'm in a similar spot....struggling with my decision.

[V2pt0]

Interesting text from H. He sent Q about something finance related, but for the first time in months he added a nicety to his text. Said he hoped I was having a good day. I think I would have to go back to May to see something like that. For the past few weeks I have been going out of my way to be kind and pleasant in any communication, so maybe it is starting to pay off.

[V2pt0]

Off to session with H in about an hour. Please free to send any tips based on previous joint counseling experience. Oh, and maybe some positive thoughts and energy. I keep telling myself no expectations, no expectations.

Lots of nervous energy right now.

[V2pt0]

Just got back from two hour discernment counseling. I actually thought is was pretty good and useful, though I think H is pretty stuck on D. That being said, he has agreed to go to another two hour session in a couple if weeks. The C was very pro-marriage and felt like she really chimed in and contributed in some really good ways to help H see different perspectives on ways to move past this. H was engaged and open during the session. It was a very calm, though a times an emotional conversation (mostly me). There was no yelling or arguing from either of us and there were even a few laughs. I do feel the next session will be a good opportunity to showcase best self and DB. I think on of the topics are positives we each contributed to M. Plus, I think it will help us remove some of the hostility on both sides moving forward with D process, which will allow for more DB opportunity. There are still 6 months before D is finalized. A lifetime in DB and the gift of time.

He has been given assignment to read Love Sense, which he agreed to do. Any thoughts on that book? I have to read After the Affair. Will post more insights gleaned from session tomorrow. Need a glass of wine now.

[Elly4]

Hi BT! Sorry I haven't been on here in forever. Just been straight out. Thought of you all frequently though. I'm so glad that your H went to the a session with you and has committed to going to at least one more. At least then, if the D happens, you know you tried absolutely everything you could do to fix the M. Kudos!

I like your goals. They feel very similar to mine right now. My weight gain after my son was born has been a problem for me. I feel like I should be more active, but arthritis and my weight get in the way, and so my self esteem is hurt. If I get the weight off then the arthritis will be better too. It's just not always easy.

Still bothers me that my H can drop weight without a blink and I have to work like a dog. Darn those guy metabolisms! :P

*hugs*
E

[V2pt0]

E,

I have been super busy too lately and not posting as much. Maybe that is a good sign.

Yes, weight issues stink. It totally effects your self-esteem and happiness, so I feel for you. I was pretty overweight in high school, but lost it all in college. I think I lost 40 when everyone else gained the freshman 15. I swore I would never gain it back and did great until shortly after we married. I then started my first desk job, added in some stress, and started being lazy and it is was not a good mix.
Weight crept back up to the same spot it was in HS.

I also know what health issues can do to. I hurt my lower back a few years ago shoveling the driveway and had horrendous syatic nerve pain on and off for two years. I could barely walk and was grumpy all of the time.

Can you at least go for walks?

Thanks for popping in!