Still no expectations here but another good encounter with H tonight. He hung around for 30 minutes just talking. I gave him 100% of my attention and made eye contact, a big step for me. I think I was always distracted by S4 when we were together. It is so nice to not have the tention and hate between us. It wasn't a fake encounter to just be polite. It felt real maybe we are both starting to let go. I don't know. I'm just journaling what has changed.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Journaling - I feel all progress has stopped. The death of my dog really shook me and I have stopped to grieve her. I feel like I am back to day one of BD and I know what I need to do to move forward. All GAL activities have stopped and I do not like that at all. Next week my focus needs to be GAL and picking back up on my Pilates routine. I have been thinking about H way too much since getting home from vacation. It puts me in such a funk when I think about what I miss and "what if...". Come on girl, pull yourself together! You've got this!
H did call me the other night 3 times to ask if he should give S Ibuprofen or Acetaminophen, really? He brought up that he bought some books on Amazon about 4 year olds behavior and children going through divorce. He said he would let me read them when he was done with them. I am so shocked by him taking this initiative.
Anyway, just journaling some things today since I really need to get back into DB'ing and get out of this slump. Anyone else experience a low 5 months in or so? I feel like I have run out of steam.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Just because I don't want to forget some of the positive things H has done lately I need to write them down.
1. Took time to let me talk about Pup and cry together, to grieve 2. Bought me an urn with her ashes, they took a cast of her paw print on the box and left it at the house for me 3. Calling more instead of TM 4. Does not seem angry or avoid eye contact when speaking
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
You are allowed to grieve, take a breath, tears are cleansing.
The grief will be all different things wrapped up together, M, R, dreams, and your heart with your puppy.
It's ok, it's healing, it may not seem so, but know grief from the heart and then celebration of life is wonderful.
Truly glorious in its way.
Precious lovely tears with joy at the wonderful memories.
It's a gift to embrace. Wrap yourself in the warm glow of love for your Woofie, plan something glorious for her ashes, buy champagne, celebrate her life. Plan a collage of photos, create a windows desktop screensaver. Allow the love and devotion between you to stay in your tender heart.
It's going to keep you safe to your higher power.
(((((Hugs)))))
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/20/1505:17 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Tonight I can't help but think, I wish divorce wasn't the answer that my husband thinks is the way he can be the parent he always wanted to be. I wish he could have stepped up when we were together.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Tonight I can't help but think, I wish divorce wasn't the answer that my husband thinks is the way he can be the parent he always wanted to be. I wish he could have stepped up when we were together.
You and me, both! I wish H would realize it's not just me...H has lots of work to do, too. I think our family is worth it. So sad he doesn't feel the same.
So a strange/weird thing happened last night, in a good way. I called H on my way to pick up S4 from school to see what time he would be picking him up since I needed to go back to work after to finish up some projects. He suggested I take him to Chik-fil-a and he would meet me there after dinner so that I could head back out. S4 and I ate and he played on the playground and had a great dinner together. When H got there he ordered food and sat down, I was totally prepared to up and sprint out the door as soon as he got there. He sat down and immediately started talking to me about his work and some things that have been going on. We chatted like friends and I told him why I had to go back to work and how busy work had been. I looked at the clock when I left and we had been sitting there talking for 30 minutes! And it wasn’t kid related! I really hope this was a step in the right direction.
Also before I left I told him how I had noticed how involved in wanting to learn about 4 year olds behavior and buying books on the subject and stuff. I let him know I appreciated him doing that and for talking to me about it. His response was “I want him to succeed”. I am not sure what that meant and I didn’t push it any further. He then asked if we could all go to S4’s VPK open house together tonight, I said I would be there. All in all it was a good night and stress free for once.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
