"It would be lovely, but I have arranged other plans for the night already. I am so sorry, but still would love to do something nice during the day with him".
The beauty of it is that you can always come up with that kind of excuse because now you have your single adult life without any kids. And she can't say a thing because she does not have a clue of what and how is your life now.
I agree w/Pink. You are a single woman and the holidays does give you plenty of reasons not to have him stay over night. There are many parties and get togethers that you may want to attend as well as spending time w/your own family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks guys - I appreciate the feedback. The other thought I had is I could just text SS direct, ask if he fancies coming for the day on X date, and ask him to chat to his Mum & let me know. If I do this, I think she may be less likely to weigh in with a 'don't you want him overnight?' - and if he comes back and suggests an overnighter, I can just let him know I already have plans.
This little episode has made me realise that HXW's 'Xmas issues' have been a bit of a shadow for me in recent years. Last year I was free of them, but all the years before that there was always some 'weirdness' about Xmas. For some reason it seems a hugely stressful time for her, which is a shame. I feel I'm able to compartmentalise more now - her issues about Xmas are hers to own, Xmas schedule for parent time is theirs to own, my ongoing R with SS is mine to own. Thinking like this frees me of the guilt, the urge to 'help' (fix?) and just let things go. It's healthier for me I think.
I've had a nice couple of days. Pottered around yesterday and been at the bookstore today, then to my parents and dropped in on Mum's carer (she's off ATM) with some books to read. Got to about 4pm and I realised I spent the whole day doing charitable work and helping others! That's nice and I'm lucky I get to do a pro-bono day, which I enjoy.
Heard from the L this week. H's L has confirmed these further accounts have been requested. Problem is, my L says that 'new' accounts aren't acceptable. They needed to have been produced already. TBH, for me I think the main issue is that there has been a declaration of them and even if it's an imperfect declaration, it will settle my mind I think.
The L has also given me a financial statement and if all goes to plan it looks as though I'll have a further £1k of legal fees (or so) to come. Just in case it's of any interest, it looks as though my legal bill will be around £3k - to respond to a D filed against me, to proceed with the D uncontested, no children/custody issues and achieving a financial settlement. I will be glad when the legal fees come to an end I can tell you! But I have no complaints about the legal support so that's good.
Happy Friday everyone! xx
Last edited by Sotto; 10/30/1505:01 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I like your plan of dealing with SS directly. Seems it would be less complicated. You are sweet to continue having him in your life. It sounds like his parents are a bit lost! You must be a breath of stability for him.
I am glad you are happy with the legal support, the cost of it blows me away.
Hope you have a good weekend
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Thanks Mleigh. I don't know that I'm sweet as such. He and I lived together for over 7 years and I was a big part of his life before that. It would be really surprising not to want to keep in touch I think - although I can imagine it isn't uncommom in difficult circumstances.
So, I did text him with a suggested date and he is up for it. He and I have exchanged a few texts to start the ball rolling. There hasn't been any input from his Mum, so I presume she is happy. I asked him to chat with her and make sure.
Not posted much lately - been pretty busy....and I have a new GAL activity starting tonight - Divorce Recovery Workshop! I'm heading off out in 20 mins or so. I've been looking forward to it (is that allowed??) and I'm hoping it lives up to expectations. It will be good to meet nine or so others also trying to recover from a relationship breakdown.
All quiet WRT H. We have so little contact nowadays, but I am always conscious of the next contact being just around the corner somewhere. I'm almost looking forward to the point where he can drop into a big black hole and there is no need for us to be in touch about anything. Contact doesn't seem to help me much and because ours is such a low contact sitch, I find it stressful when it happens - although I'm doing much better than I was.
Anyway - must dash.....I'll report back tomorrow!!!! Take care all xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well, the workshop was interesting last night. About 12 of us there. We watched a 20 min DVD then split off into two groups to introduce ourselves. I must say I felt pretty raw and vulnerable the whole evening. My life is on a pretty steady plane now, but this does expose the wounds again - which I imagine is no bad thing for me.
I realised I'm used to being part of a community with similar aims (hope to save the M if possible) and some guiding principles (MWD's wise offerings.) However, in this group, there is a diverse mix of people already D'd (but not yet moved on) and those who want, and have filed for D. One woman married for 40 years and now getting D, a guy in a loveless M for many years, but a church leader and so maintained a facade, a guy who D'd years ago but still feels angry and bitter...
There was no-one but me who hoped their M might be salvaged. So, that was interesting and I think will challenge me. I can use the workshop to help with the aim of moving successfully on through and after our D - though it doesn't mean that 'my door' needs to close completely. But marriage saving most definitely isn't the focus of the workshop at all - the focus is on recovering from D. So, I just need to be mindful of how it fits with everything else in my life.
I met a nice woman who recently moved to my town (the workshop is 25 mins away) and has no friends and family nearby. She is keen to make friends and I'll offer her a lift next time I think. So, it will be an interesting experience I feel, and a chance to meet new people and work through the pain a bit more.
Anyway, I'm off today and going to catch up on a few jobs, see the parents later and then yoga tonight.....have a good day all xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Sotto. Divorce group sounds a bit grim to be honest If you feel it's beneficial to you then great I often worry that too much negativity can breed more of the same but I also appreciate that Sotto is more than capable of making her own choices
Your post seems up beat which is always good to read. I always have admired your strength since day one and even now , your leaving the door ajar , again showing huge strength
Keep on being Sotto because Sotto is a great person to be
Thanks RD - I wouldn't say it was grim. Everyone was so welcoming and it was a really supportive environment. What it did illustrate was how hard it can be to process the end of a relationship and the impact that can have on your life even years later. So, I guess there is a lesson for me in this. My take on it is that the door remains open for me just a little - although my H shows no signs of wanting to peek through it - equally we may well D and I hope to recover well from that. So, I'm hoping with that perspective, the workshop will be useful.
Not posted much recently, but life has been busy. Lots going on at work and it was my birthday this week too. I had a nice day - meal out with a friend and opened some presents with my parents. Received many cards and birthday wishes from people. I didn't hear from H at all, and it didn't spoil my day - but I do feel a little sad about that. That's two years worth of anniversaries and my birthday that he hasn't acknowledged.
I do try and keep the focus off of him and onto me and that does help. Equally all that I have read about MLC helps - with the familiar progression, trajectory and stages. But, in my doubting moments it is hard to see that H would ever come back from this. Though I can also see the brokenness of OW, with her history of prior infidelity and so on....it is hard to see how that R could 'work.' But I fear it may - or at least may until I have truly moved on. I'm not sure I have it in me to be a stander for years and years. Maybe if we had children together or had been together longer?
Anyway, this post sounds a little wistful. Believe me I am full of plans and forging ahead. I made two new 'playdates' for December this weekend. My fun and daft friend is coming over later to take me for a late birthday afternoon tea. Another friend and I are also hoping to get our yoga weekend booked....so my life is not standing still and includes many happy elements.
RD, you asked about nice guy at work. TBH, I haven't seen that much of him lately - schedules not coinciding. He hasn't said anything since that little 'maybe I'll look you up' (next time he's in my area) comment. I'm just being friendly and having a little banter. I sense he is still in a bit of a raw state post divorce....and TBH, I don't see myself as 'datable' just now, given all circumstances. But all new friends are welcome and who knows in the longer term??
Anyway - thanks to anyone who may read this - your companionship and encouragement through this time in my life mean a lot to me. Have a great Sunday all xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
