Dawn, thanks for stopping by. I think one step at a time is right. There is no need to think about anything more than that for now. Well, I've had a nice couple of days with various GAL activities. It's going to be busy today too. I'm taking my Dad out this morning, then meeting a friend for coffee later and aerobics tonight, then I'm away for a couple of days for work Mon/Tues.
I've been ruminating a little on our whole limbo situation. I don't like the feeling - which I've had for months - of being on the brink of H filing. But then he doesn't quite file. Realistically, I can only go on for so long as I am financially (dipping into savings to fund living costs.) Me taking control would mean filing, which I'm still reluctant to do. I'm hoping that the house sale will bring things to a head soonish. If I stick to the original legal advice that I'll only sell the house if we reach a full financial settlement, that resolves things hopefully. And H can still file for D if he wishes. That's up to him.
Equally part of me feels I can never imagine being in a R with him again, so why am I not filing? But I guess I also know that things could change, and if he turned back towards the M and seemed to genuinely want to work on things, I would want to pursue that. Also, part of me feels like starting from scratch and getting to know someone else is also a big mountain to climb. Just a different one.
I've been reading Lou R's threads this week. In many ways our sitches are similar (apart from pre-BD infidelity in my sitch.) And it does give me some hope that even with distance and little contact things can start to turn. I liked what Lou said to her H - That if something changed, she would want him to let her know as she loves him and would be there for him. It made me wonder if I should say something similar to my H. But on balance I think the ripe time for that has passed and I should continue on my course. I do think there are glimmers in my sitch of H making occasional contact with updates that aren't strictly needed, and not filing for D (yet) despite getting to the brink of doing so.
So, I'm doing okay,but just having a little phase of being a bit tired of the uncertainty and feeling I've reached a bit of a plateau. Okay, I've built a new life for myself - clawed my way out of the pit (no mean feat...) now what?? One new thing on the horizon is D recovery workshop. That starts in early Nov and I'm looking forward to being in a support group with others in a similar situation. Plus there's a social scene that surrounds the DRW group in my area....so that should be good.
Anyway, a bit meh this weekend but basically okay and busy with GAL. If anyone has any wisdom to offer, I'm all ears xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Equally part of me feels I can never imagine being in a R with him again, so why am I not filing? But I guess I also know that things could change, and if he turned back towards the M and seemed to genuinely want to work on things, I would want to pursue that. Also, part of me feels like starting from scratch and getting to know someone else is also a big mountain to climb. Just a different one.
This is absolutely the same as what I felt and to a degree still feel. I could never imagine my h contacting me as he did, in fact I was waiting for the "we're engaged" email. I can't say I even held on to hope h would come back my way anymore, it was more a connection to him; I get sucked straight back into his voice, his emails and texts every time he does contact me, so I knew I was not ready to give up and let go yet.
Finding someone new. I think about this, it must be easier; meeting someone who has no history with you and caused you no pain. Yet, here I am, considering giving h another chance, despite everything. So I really do understand you going around in circles, not quite being able to shut that door ...yet.
As long as you are still moving on with your life and not "waiting" for your h, then you're not stuck, it's that horrible word TIME that we hear so often, standing for your m is quite ok, but keep your mind open to all possibilities as you never know what is around the corner.
Originally Posted By: sotto
I've been reading Lou R's threads this week. In many ways our sitches are similar (apart from pre-BD infidelity in my sitch.) And it does give me some hope that even with distance and little contact things can start to turn. I liked what Lou said to her H - That if something changed, she would want him to let her know as she loves him and would be there for him. It made me wonder if I should say something similar to my H. But on balance I think the ripe time for that has passed and I should continue on my course. I do think there are glimmers in my sitch of H making occasional contact with updates that aren't strictly needed, and not filing for D (yet) despite getting to the brink of doing so.
As for the letting h know that he can contact you if things should change - my h mentioned what I said to him the other day, but he said that ultimately he contacted me because of the way I acted throughout this time, I just allowed him to be. He said he did not want to go through life wondering "what if". If your h wants you back in his life, it does not matter where he is, where you are, or how long it's been, he will find a way.
Remember - this is your life, you only have one, so live it to the full and do whatever makes you feel whole and happy.
I am so sorry to read your news today. Sorting out where you stand financially is a good thing, it will allow you to plan for the future.
I so understand it is a disappointing turn of events, it sounds like you are 'sitting on the fence" and you know that no matter what you will be ok. I get that while h did not pursue the d there is always that glimmer of hope; to a degree a d means nothing more than dissolving a m that is already gone, it does not necessarily mean the end - it is the end when you choose it to be.
You have the power to decide what is best for you and what you want to do with your life. Moving forwards is the only option in my book (!!), our lives belong to us and we are responsible for making them as full and meaningful as possible, so don't let the grass grow under your feet, dance until they ache :o)
Sotto, I'm very sorry to come here and read about your news. I agree w/Lou about the sorting out where you stand financially and it will most definitely allow you to plan for the future.
Even though this door is slowly closing, another one is opening up to you. You have the power to plan your next move and know that you've done everything possible to fight for your marriage.
This chapter in your book of life isn't finished, but it is time to take up the pin and begin to write your new one. I look forward to reading how this new chapter is unfolding.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thinking you need a night out with the cute guy, if nothing else it will just take your mind off things for the night.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Thanks Lou, Job and Twin. I'm doing okay thanks. When I received draft D papers weeks ago, I thought they were D papers in any case.....so this is kind of a second receipt IYKWIM. When I received them first time around I cried for 12 hours (with a sleep in between) but this time I didn't cry at all. Though I did get a horrible pit of the stomach feeling.
I have moved forward such a long way - and have an independent life with many good things in it. Also, logically I wouldn't want my H as he is now in any case. If I met him tomorrow and he wanted us to date (if I was aware of all circumstances) I think I'd be saying no.That's logically. Emotionally, it is harder to let go of things, though I am far less unsettled by what he does than I once was. I know I'm making progress - but it's tough sometimes and I would love to be further forward.....but I guess I could be much further back too...
Anyway, I had a nice couple of days at work. My boss gave me a special achievement voucher yesterday for recent work I have done. I was so surprised and thankful. I feel I have been stumbling along on some of my current projects, but he seems really pleased!
As for cute guy....he and I had a little chat yesterday - but no mention of him coming to my home town and looking me up. I'm not making any particular moves in his direction, but if he asks me....who knows I may just accept on a friendly basis and we'll see
Oh, and another funny thing. I have a FB account, which I hardly use TBH...but I got an email today to notify me of unsuccessful login attempts....bit weird. I haven't used it at all lately - spooked me a litte.
Take care all xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Congratulations on the achievement voucher! You must have been doing something right for your boss to be so pleased. Even if you were stumbling along, you completed your projects to his expectations.
About your FB account, someone may have been trying to hack into your account. I've noticed a number of people in the States are complaining about hackers to FB. I would notify FB, if you can, about the situation and advised them that you've not been trying to login.
Take care of yourself. You've had a lot going on in your personal life the last few months and you don't want the stress to compromise your health along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job. Yes September has been tough - losing the cat and H filing for D. I think you are right and sometimes it is good to dial things down a little and pamper yourself.
My meditation practice has lapsed, so I'm going to start up that again. But, I'm generally pretty good - eating well, sleeping well, yoga, aqua class, journaling, seeing friends, other GAL and so on.
Today is a day off, so I can relax and recharge before a busy day at work tomorrow.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
(((Sotto))) I know getting the papers was hard, but you are doing so great. October is here and time for a fresh start. Take care of yourself, pamper yourself and keep on GAL'ing. Hang in there, my friend!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
