Where do I go from here, pt. 3

[beckyb]

This morning I sent my STBXH an email stating that the reason the D hasn't moved forward is because he and his L have not submitted anything. I attached my settlement proposal and copied my L. I'm done.

[Ancaire]

Are you in a good place, Becky?

I understand letting go, but encourage you to keep taking care of yourself.

[beckyb]

I finally moved fully into the anger phase of this whole thing but I'm ok. I'm praying that I don't become bitter and that I can eventually forgive. Thank you for asking.

[beckyb]

This morning I got a response to the email I sent H. He said he was sorry he sent the text and he should not have talked about M to OW. But he wanted to make sure I knew the marriage was over. DB coach thinks it might have been sent for someone else's benefit. Ball is in his court now. We'll see. I'm 99.9% sure I don't care.

[beckyb]

Here is a summary of my sitch recently. H countered my petition for legal separation with a petition for divorce on July 27. He didn't tell me he was doing it and then apologized up and down for surprising me. Then he did nothing with D for over a month when he said my attorney was dragging his feet. Mind you he hasn't moved all his stuff, hasn't changed his address on stuff etc.
Last week we got court dates, which are in Jan. and Feb. -first available. We don't have to wait for trial. H can submit a settlement proposal any time.
Saturday he texted to asked if I chose a January court date to drag things out in hopes he would change his mind. He said he planned to marry OW as she has a terminal illness and he wants me to move things along. Said he had fallen out of love with me a little at a time. He didn't mean to. He was sorry. He hopes I can forgive him Wow.
The next morning I called his bluff. I sent an email say the reason D had not moved forward was because he and his attorney had done nothing, and I attached my settlement proposal.
The next day he responded to say he was sorry. He shouldn't have sent the text but that he wanted me to know the marriage is truly over.
I asked my L why his L wasn't advising how to move forward. He said they were waiting for me to make a move because H had anxiety about finalizing.
My DB coach said it sounds like the text was sent for OW'S benefit. He wishes I had not responded to H. I felt his text was so disrespectful that I had to respond. And I responded in a respectful manner.

The ball is in his court. I'm anxious but fully trusting God with the outcome.

[gonegrl]

Becky I am sorry. You are in my prayers. It does sound like your H sent the text for OW's benefit, but it doesn't matter what his reasoning is.

[beckyb]

Having a lot of anxiety today. I think I'm cycling back to a little bit of shock and grief. And fear of the future. Probably triggered by H's texts this weekend and waiting for him to respond to my settlement proposal.

I need to focus back on one day-at-a-time thinking.

[Ancaire]

Breathe! Nice long, deep breaths. It will be ok.

[Avanti]

Having a lot of anxiety today. I think I'm cycling back to a little bit of shock and grief. And fear of the future. Probably triggered by H's texts this weekend and waiting for him to respond to my settlement proposal.

I need to focus back on one day-at-a-time thinking.

It is natural and OK to sometimes find yourself back in the grief cycle, the key to getting yourself moving forward is to gently acknowledge your thinking (as you have done already) and then move the focus of your mind to something else, something in the here and now.

For instance, concentrate on any noises you can hear, do not judge them simply acknowledge them, Shift your mind to think inside your body, what can you feel going on in there, aches and pains, tingles, pulsing, anything, maybe nothing? You aren't trying to find anything in particular you are just distracting your mind from wandering off onto uncomfortable topics. If your mind starts to wander back to the painful thoughts, when you become aware of it, acknowledge it and gently lead your mind back to what it was in the present that you thinking about.

Remember, as we've discussed before, if you keep thinking about something dark, each time it goes around in your head, you'll embellish it until it becomes something that's very hard to handle. If you find it happening, break the cycle by choosing to focus on something in the present and you'll find your mind calming itself really quickly.

I do this type of thing many times in a day and it is such a fantastic relief, when you've had a small amount of practise, to be able to intercept and diffuse a train of thought that not so long ago would have taken you over and made you feel wretched.

What have you got planned for the next few days beckyb? Do you have any thing special planned for the weekend? If not, maybe now's the time to getting your thinking cap on and arrange something...

[beckyb]

[quote=beckyb]

What have you got planned for the next few days beckyb? Do you have any thing special planned for the weekend? If not, maybe now's the time to getting your thinking cap on and arrange something...

I don't really have anything fun planned anytime soon and I need to do so. I've definitely had too much time on my hands.
Saturday I'm having a garage sale to get rid of some stuff and my BIL and SIL(actually H's brother)are coming over to help me finish a couple of projects. They are very supportive of me and very disgusted with H.

[Avanti]

Saturday sounds like it will be very cathartic. I'd try to make sure your SIL and BIL do all the talking about your H, don't join in on any bitch fest. While they may be supportive of you, they may also say things to him that don't necessarily help your case even though they are said with the best of intentions.

Do the best you can to ensure they see you as being upbeat and positive, actions speak louder than words, so them saying how well you are coping will be far more powerful a message to your H.

When are you having another evening soirée? It didn't sound like a one off event and besides you said you'd work out how to deliver some of the food from the next one to me across the Internet.

[beckyb]

Our next Supper Club is in Oct. Trying to plan a local winery trip sometime soon.

I will try not to talk about H to his brother. Although H haspretty much cut off contact with them so it won't much matter. We all agree we want to stay in touch and stay friends. We'll have to figure out what that looks like going forward. I'm blessed to have some amazing friends and family in my life

[Avanti]

Food and now wine, you really need to work out that over the internet delivery mechanism. :-)

Even though they are pretty much cut off from your H, it's still a time to keep your cards close to your chest, a chance comment in anger that they might make based on one of your comments could unravel some of the progress you are making.

[beckyb]

a chance comment in anger that they might make based on one of your comments could unravel some of the progress you are making.

I don't believe I am making in DB progress. A month ago I thought maybe I was seeing some small signs. I now believe he will never want to reconcile and I'm 99.95 sure I'm ok with that. Still, I need to be sensitive to my BIL's feelings and keep my thoughts to myself.

[Avanti]

...I don't believe I am making in DB progress. A month ago I thought maybe I was seeing some small signs. I now believe he will never want to reconcile and I'm 99.95 sure I'm ok with that.

So you have made some significant DB progress. Remember the process is not about getting the R or M back on track necessarily, it's about enabling those who embrace it to get themselves into better shape so that they are ready for their next relationship whether that be with their S or someone else. Look back at your early posts and then read what you said above, it's a different, more together, confident beckyb typing now.

Still, I need to be sensitive to my BIL's feelings and keep my thoughts to myself.

It's for the best, you never know exactly how the future will form.

[beckyb]

Had a nice/interesting day with STBX's brother and sister in law. They help me with some things around the house and we had dinner together. It's nice to know they both want to stay in my life.

I heard through the family grapevine that OW has definitely moved here, had a stroke and was in the hospital. It just underscores what a mess H has gotten himself in and how over our marriage is. I'm surprisingly detached about it.

[Avanti]

What a star you are beckyb, you are almost observing from a third person perspective that's the detachment you'll have seen many talk about.

Your H's "project" does seem to be very high maintenance doesn't she (this comment is not wishing her ill)? As a mr nice guy he'll be loving all the opportunities to fix things, he can be a hero. As there is so much for him to do, he'll soon burn out if she doesn't continually give him praise and tell him how wonderful he is, which depending on how she feels, may or may not be happening - mr nice guys give love and attention with the unspoken, but expected condition that they are rewarded with similar.

Glad your time with your BIL and his wife went well.

[beckyb]

Ok, so here's the truth. I realize my current M is over and most of me wants to just push the D through and get it over with. Part of me still loves H and part of me feels like it is wrong for me to give up on the M and push the D forward. Morally I believe he should have to do that. (also I'm a little stubborn)

H has never been one to be proactive and get things done. I always took care of things. I don't know why I am waiting, expecting him to move things along.

I would be ok just waiting him out until trial but I can't try to sell my house without some kind of legal agreement. I don't want the sole responsibility of a big house and I would like to move on into a place of my own but I'm stuck.

I am conflicted. I am praying for wisdom and plan to wait until I meet with my IC on Thursday to decide what to do next. Unless of course H responds to my proposal sooner.

[gonegrl]

Becky, it is hard being in "limbo". I hope you get the clarity and wisdom that you need to make this decision. You sound like you are in a good place emotionally right now. I think that there is no reason to rush a decision either way. Time is on your side.

[beckyb]

Thanks. I am a very impatient person. God's is definitely using this to teach me. Every time I want to push hard something says wait. I'm not sure if it is my unrealistic hope for the M or God slowing g me down.

[WhyUs]

becky,

I completely understand where you are coming from. I badly want to the M to be fixed but also know it is unrealistic in many ways. I am fine now with the M ending but I also love W. The thing I have to remind myself is that it is W that I am in love with, not WW. W is long gone now and was replaced by WW who I do not know or love.

I desperately want to change WW back to W. However, from what I pick up on these boards, that is not going to happen and I will find myself in a world of her waiting for it to happen or trying to make it happen.

[beckyb]

Unfortunately, I think my H was so far gone by BD that I never had a chance.

[Ancaire]

I think it might be God. I understand the impatience, too. I've made lots of early mistakes, and owe H some apologies for those. I will do that today.

Pray for clarity. You may get an answer. I will add my prayers to yours.

[ATPeace]

Hi Becky I think if truth is known most are so far gone by bomb day that most of us will never have a chance

It is something that we have to except we cannot control the other person is thinking we cannot control their emotions and the bottom line is if they want out the marriage there is little we can do about it

Now all I have to do is convince myself of what I've just told you

Hugs to you becky

Ghost

[beckyb]

Thank you Anicare.

[beckyb]

Yep. I just want to proceed in a Godly way. I am detaching and working on me. It's hard though.

[Avanti]

Yep. I just want to proceed in a Godly way. I am detaching and working on me. It's hard though.

And you are doing a good job too, keep it up! No one said it would be easy but your approach IS making it easier that's for sure.

[beckyb]

H just texted to ask if he had mail and said he wanted to talk to me. He was near the house. I am at work thankfully. I don't want to see him. I asked him to send me an email or call me later. He needs to just work through his lawyer.

[Avanti]

...I badly want to the M to be fixed but also know it is unrealistic in many ways...

Those are just your thoughts WhyUs, they are not fact. You can change them if you want to and no I am not talking about going all Pollyanna I'm saying you can think differently if you choose to, beware of self-fulfilling prophecies.

... I am fine now with the M ending but I also love W. The thing I have to remind myself is that it is W that I am in love with, not WW. W is long gone now and was replaced by WW who I do not know or love...

This is a great mindset. You don't know if you truly don't love her, that part of your affection is packed away, but that doesn't mean it has ceased to exist.

...I desperately want to change WW back to W. However, from what I pick up on these boards, that is not going to happen and I will find myself in a world of her waiting for it to happen or trying to make it happen...

By continuing to work on yourself, you will learn to accept this and can then decide for yourself, where you stand and what you are going to do, at the moment it is stated in the manner of a self-fulfilling prophecy. It will change if you keep up the work.

[Avanti]

H just texted to ask if he had mail and said he wanted to talk to me. He was near the house. I am at work thankfully. I don't want to see him. I asked him to send me an email or call me later. He needs to just work through his lawyer.

You did exactly the right thing, "I am busy now call me later when I have some time for you", bravo! Who's the boss now? :-)
That's a bit of an overstated view of it but ultimately it was you showing him that you aren't at his beckon call anymore and he'd better wise up.

[beckyb]

Well it's been all evening and H never contacted me with what ever he wanted to talk about. I wish he get it over with already. But I'm not as anxious as I thought I would be. Practiced the piano (I'm just learning ) and straighten up my closet tonight. I am enjoying the extra space.

[Ancaire]

Hi Becky...it's Judy. Had to change screen name just to be safe. I'm not surprised your H didn't call. For some reason, the MLCers stay confused and forgetful. I'm so pleased to hear you were not overly bothered by it. I try and remind myself often that my H is God's problem now. Nothing I've done seems to have worked...lol

[beckyb]

You right. After many years of taking care of H it's hard to let go but I have to regularly turn him over to God. I believe H is very enmeshed in sin and I know he's turned his back on God. It makes me very sad and I hope he repents some day.

I sounds like you are getting stronger in many ways. Good for you.

[Avanti]

...Nothing I've done seems to have worked...

That's so not true. You have come along way.

DB'ing is about getting ourselves right not using "stuff" to control our S's. As a result of our actions our S's may get interested, maybe not, it doesn't matter because we will be in better places. You have come along way Ancair, if you are not sure about that take a look at your early posts and compare them with now. Some of it will have made a difference to your H, it's not necessarily clear what but it doesn't matter, you are an improved Ancaire that's the important bit.

[beckyb]

In the past week I bought my first power tool (a drill) and started lessons at a Pilates studio, which I absolutely love. Just saying...

[WhyUs]

Avanti,

Thank you. I am aware of self fullfiing prophecies and beleive in this line of thought. I did not even think about it in my sitch. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

[beckyb]

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. Psalm 100:5

[beckyb]

Victory. H wanted to come by and get his mail. I told him earlier in the week I would put it on the porch. I told him would be home after 7. I put the mail in a bag and set it on the front porch and went about my business. I did not watch for him. After a while he texted that he got the mail and thank you. I texted back - Ok. Have a good night. He texted back - ditto. That was it.

He seems to have forgotten about what ever he wanted to talk about on Monday.

[V2pt0]

Victory. H wanted to come by and get his mail. I told him earlier in the week I would put it on the porch. I told him would be home after 7. I put the mail in a bag and set it on the front porch and went about my business. I did not watch for him. After a while he texted that he got the mail and thank you. I texted back - Ok. Have a good night. He texted back - ditto. That was it.

He seems to have forgotten about what ever he wanted to talk about on Monday.

It is always nice to have some victories. Great work!!

[Avanti]

Victory. H wanted to come by and get his mail. I told him earlier in the week I would put it on the porch. I told him would be home after 7. I put the mail in a bag and set it on the front porch and went about my business. I did not watch for him. After a while he texted that he got the mail and thank you. I texted back - Ok. Have a good night. He texted back - ditto. That was it.

He seems to have forgotten about what ever he wanted to talk about on Monday.

Beckyb, I am a bit simple, as you know, what is your victory?

Is it that you had a good exchange with him via text? Is it that he thought to initiate the text in the first place? Or do you think you got one over on him by leaving the post for him to collect from the outside of the house, while you were doing other things?

I see some baby steps of improvement here in your H's behavior, or maybe I'm being it a bit simple?

[beckyb]

The victory is that I let him get the mail from the porch and didn't even notice he was there.

[Avanti]

In that case it is a victory and you are right to celebrate.

Have you also considered whether there is any change in his behavior as a result of your change in approach? I think I can see some but maybe I am reading too much into what you have said.

[beckyb]

H has always been polite and we have been in touch regularly about logistics, even though he is always the one to initiate contact. I don't know what to think about him. He has clearly stated that our marriage is over and he wants to marry OW but he hasn't worked to move D forward. He apologizes often for hurting me but give no indication he will change his behavior.

[beckyb]

Very weird moment. This morning I started getting status texts from a surgery center where my H has had a major surgery and other procedures. They still had my phone number on record. It was very odd knowing he was there having something done and I didn't even know about it. I texted him to say I get messages and asked if he was ok. He said Sorry and I'm fine.

Odd that they didn't get the phone number from who ever he was with.

Just an unsettling feeling.

[beckyb]

Looking for advice.

My H moved out on August 18. I am still getting his mail. He has not even given his attorney's office his new address.

Currently I just put it in a bag and wait for him to call and ask if he has mail. He said he did a Change of Address at the Post Office but obviously he didn't. I have mentioned it once or twice. Should I push the issue? should I put "Return to Sender" and send it back? Should do nothing?

H is not good at taking care of details so he may not have gotten around to it. On the other hand is this a subconscious to keep a connection?

[beckyb]

Looking for advice.

My H moved out on August 18. I am still getting his mail. He has not even given his attorney's office his new address.

Currently I just put it in a bag and wait for him to call and ask if he has mail. He said he did a Change of Address at the Post Office but obviously he didn't. I have mentioned it once or twice. Should I push the issue? should I put "Return to Sender" and send it back? Should do nothing?

H is not good at taking care of details so he may not have gotten around to it. On the other hand is this a subconscious to keep a connection?

[V2pt0]

Looking for advice.

My H moved out on August 18. I am still getting his mail. He has not even given his attorney's office his new address.

Currently I just put it in a bag and wait for him to call and ask if he has mail. He said he did a Change of Address at the Post Office but obviously he didn't. I have mentioned it once or twice. Should I push the issue? should I put "Return to Sender" and send it back? Should do nothing?

H is not good at taking care of details so he may not have gotten around to it. On the other hand is this a subconscious to keep a connection?

I would not do anything. You have told him multiple times and any more will be nagging. Just put it somewhere. He will eventually bring it up or come pick it up.

[beckyb]

[quote=beckyb] and any more will be nagging. Just put it somewhere. He will eventually bring it up or come pick it up.

Thanks for your response. That is my inclination but then I get worried that I'm being a doormat. Plus my friends and family keep telling not to put up with it. Of course they don't see any reason I would keep holding to hope. Most of the time I don't either. But something inside me isn't quite ready to slam the door.

[V2pt0]

[quote=beckyb] and any more will be nagging. Just put it somewhere. He will eventually bring it up or come pick it up.

Thanks for your response. That is my inclination but then I get worried that I'm being a doormat. Plus my friends and family keep telling not to put up with it. Of course they don't see any reason I would keep holding to hope. Most of the time I don't either. But something inside me isn't quite ready to slam the door.

But is it really bothering you? I am not sure that is being a doormat. It's just mail. I just kept putting my H's on the bookcase shelf. I really didn't think twice about it. He just changed address a couple of weeks ago.

[beckyb]

It does bother me some. He's accusing me of dragging my feet and he can't even change his address. I had ask my attorney about it and he said to hold on to it. But he sent an email to h's attorney asking him to encourage h to change his address. I didn't know he was sending it. oh well.

[V2pt0]

Sounds like he is trying to pick a fight by doing those things. Just ignore his words and actions. Sounds like you need to detach more. I know I am not one to talk about detaching!

[Avanti]

BT13, you may have misinterpreted what beckyb said, not sure.

Beckyb, there is every chance your L will charge per letter so ask him why he sent one regarding your H redirecting his mail when you hadn't requested it.

From a male perspective, I'd say tour H was using you as a backup plan and/or he's feeling a little bit guilty so is trying to keep a slender connection with you. But actually that's the same as my first comment, you are his plan B for when it all goes wrong with OW. Having said that the more you detach the greater the chance of you becoming his plan A.

The mail is just a small thing, put it in a bag and forget about it. If he calls asking if there is any say yes, I think so, I'll leave it in the porch as you did before, get him performing to your tune and the more he does it the more he will wonder if he's made the right decision.

Beckyb, you haven't mentioned what you are doing in your GAL activities recently, what do you have planned for the weekend?

[V2pt0]

Not really sure, Avanti. I am pretty sure we are saying the same thing.

[Avanti]

Wasn't sure if you were referring to what the L had done, thinking it was the H who had acted. I can be a bit simple sometimes (a lot).

[beckyb]

L sent an email to H's l.

[beckyb]

Sounds like he is trying to pick a fight by doing those things. Just ignore his words and actions. Sounds like you need to detach more. I know I am not one to talk about detaching!

Avanti and BT, I don't think H is trying to pick a fight. I suspect when OW pushes I get emails accusing me of dragging my feet, the marriage is truly over etc. Then nothing more is said or done. I just got aggravated that he can't take care of something as small as his mail.

I'm usually pretty detached. I haven't pushed about the mail, or him getting his stuff out of the house etc. which is a big 180 for me.

I was a little surprised my L sent the email but I'm ok with it. It may help show H I'm moving on.

[beckyb]

B
Beckyb, you haven't mentioned what you are doing in your GAL activities recently, what do you have planned for the weekend?

Tonight I got in some retail therapy with a friend. Tomorrow I'm going to a local artisan market at the Botanical Garden with my niece, sister and friends. Sunday I'm going thrift store and swap meet shopping with my friends/soon-to-beex sisters-in-law. My goal is to enjoy their company and limit talk about H.

My next few weeks are pretty full, including our next Supper Club on the 24th.

I'm taking a Pilates class and joined a women's group at church where I am meeting new people. All in all I'm pretty busy. Sometimes too busy.

[Avanti]

That is very busy. Have lots of fun and keep your thoughts on what you are doing not your sitch or H to make sure you really enjoy yourself and continue down the path of detachment, that you are well on the way down already.

[beckyb]

Today I'm feeling so conflicted and confused. I am GAL, moving forward, not obsessing over H 24/7. (i do still think about this stich a lot but not like I used to). I don't contact H and only respond as necessary if he contacts me. All that has gotten me are two text accusing me of delaying the divorce in hopes that he will change his mind, assurances that our marriage is completely over and his apologies for hurting me. I am not dragging my feet. As a matter of fact, after said texts I sent him my settlement proposal. No response in 2 weeks. He is doing nothing. The next step would be for my attorney to officially send the proposal to his attorney, a step I don't feel comfortable with just yet.

H has been such a jerk and sometimes I just want to get the D done so I don't have to see him anymore or his junk anymore. I can sell this house and move somewhere new. My friends/family think I need to just get it done.

If I make moves to push a D settlement won't that show H once and for all I am moving on?

On the other hand I still hold out hope. There have been a few small positive signs along the way. He is maintaining a small connection, even though it's probably his Plan B

On yet another had, H has stated he wants to marry OW because she is very ill. How is he ever going to leave the sitch?

Ugh. I hate this. Some days I'm content to wait it out. Today is not that day.

BTW, I'm not a patient person. This is definitely a test for me. I sure hope it's building character.

Thanks for listening.

[Avanti]

beckyb, make a decision to do something. Doing nothing is a decision and it's probably the right thing to do.

Let go and let be, sit back and observe nothing more, nothing less.

While sitting back remember the one of the key rules, do not believe 100% of what your H says and only 50% of what he does, that 50% being anything positive.

He might be in a world of pain and confusion, he might be simply so busy with other stuff that he's dropped the ball (he was in hospital recently), or a number of any other things, you can't mind read, so don't try.

Part of the reason for the GAL is so that you have stuff to occupy you but there will always be moments when your sitch does catch up with you. That's the time to start thinking about other things as you have very successfully practised in the past.

[beckyb]

Avanti you are right. Recently I have spent too much energy thinking about what he's thinking.
I had a nice day shopping and talking with H's sisters-in-law. We talked about him but not the whole time. Talked about future plans, kids, everyday stuff.

[beckyb]

Feeling very emotional today. Not sure what triggered it. I feel like I've cycled back to the "I can't believe this is happening " stage. Ugh.

[Azzork]

Feeling very emotional today. Not sure what triggered it. I feel like I've cycled back to the "I can't believe this is happening " stage. Ugh.

It happens to me every 2-3 weeks too. Dont worry about it. My guess is the length and severity will be less than the less time.

You got this, Becky!

[beckyb]

Thanks. It's been a while since I've felt this weepy. I'm sure it will pass soon.

[beckyb]

I just had a revelation. I think I have allowed H to make me feel guilty about not pushing the D forward. And making we worry that he will be mad at me if something happens to OW before they can marry. How crazy is that? He is the one who broke our vows and is deliberate walking a sinful path. I am the one who is honor our vows. Big 2X4 to my own head!

[Avanti]

That is a great revelation beckyb, your mind is really working to help you now, and all because of the hard work you've put in to date.

No need to chastise yourself, thank your mind for doing such a grand job for you.

[beckyb]

My inspiration today:

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights.
Habakkuk 3:17-19

[beckyb]

First phone conversation with H in over 3 weeks. He called and didn't answer since I was in the middle of something. A few minutes later he texted with a question about phone bills so I called him. We sorted out the phone question and chatted about a few other things. I was calm and friendly and so was he. No mention about the D or the settlement proposal I sent him 2+ weeks ago.

I'm feeling ok. Usually hearing from sends my anxiety through the roof. I guess I'm getting better.

[beckyb]

I've been thinking over the phone call with H yesterday (first one in a while) and thinking about what I did right and wrong.

Good: I didn't interrupt what I was doing to answer the phone. I waited until he texted me and then called him back.

Bad: I told him why I didn't answer the phone. I was finishing up a Pilates class.

Good: I didn't offer to fix his phone account online access issue. I explained what I thought was going on because I was having the same problem.

Bad: I asked him if he had done a "change of address" at the post office and told him he also really needs to change his contact information at the hospital.

Good: I didn't ask why he was at the hospital. When he told me why I said I was sorry but didn't dwell on it.

Good: I shared some information he needed regarding me preparing the house for sale. Signals that I am moving on.

Bad: I extended the conversation too long. He was the one that ended it. Ugh.

[gonegrl]

Becky, you did fine! Don't beat yourself up over every word and analyze each comment, that is too hard. Overall you did really well. And finishing up a pilates class is good, yes you didn't owe him an explanation but you put an image of you doing some sexy pilates moves in his head.

[Azzork]

I've been thinking over the phone call with H yesterday (first one in a while) and thinking about what I did right and wrong.

Good: I didn't interrupt what I was doing to answer the phone. I waited until he texted me and then called him back.
Good!

Bad: I told him why I didn't answer the phone. I was finishing up a Pilates class.
I think no big deal to say what you were doing. I wouldnt go out of your way to apologize for missing his call.

Good: I didn't offer to fix his phone account online access issue. I explained what I thought was going on because I was having the same problem.
Not saying you did, but try not to tell him what to do either. Speak from your experiences: "I had to do XXX and YYY when I had ZZZ happen." vs. "You need to XXX and YYY." But good that you didnt jump in to be the hero!

Bad: I asked him if he had done a "change of address" at the post office and told him he also really needs to change his contact information at the hospital.
While you dont want to say "you need to...", sometimes, it may impact you. If you are getting his bills or if you are on his account and he cant pay things, etc, its important to let him know that these things arent done.

Good: I didn't ask why he was at the hospital. When he told me why I said I was sorry but didn't dwell on it.
Good!

Good: I shared some information he needed regarding me preparing the house for sale. Signals that I am moving on.
Good

Bad: I extended the conversation too long. He was the one that ended it. Ugh.
Ah well. Learn for next time!

[beckyb]

Thanks. We interact so seldom these days I tend to over react. It might be a positive thing that he actually called me instead of texting. IDK. There is so very little hope in my situation I wonder why I'm even worried about. Time will tell and I'm trying to move on in the mean time.

I am thinking about you today. Did you see your MC yet?

[beckyb]

PMA in the gutter today. I think the strain of waiting for the other shoe to drop is getting to me.

[Avanti]

beckyb, why are you waiting for something to happen? Don't waste your time, go and do something else., it's not as important as you and how you feel are.

Have you looked at your written goals recently? Do they need updating or a bit of jiggling? When I'm feeling a bit lost or down at heel, refocusing on what I want from life usually gets me thinking in the right way and the blues lift.

Being gentle on yourself is important, acknowledging where you are is the start of the process, really knowing where you are heading is where it starts to get exciting again.

[beckyb]

I doing stuff. I think part of this is normal emotions that come and go.

I do need some focus though. I plan to spend some time this weekend writing down very specific goals.

[Avanti]

You are right it is normal, is the cycle in and out quicker for you now than it once was?

All the best for your goal setting, take the time to read the section on this in the DR book (Chapter 3, Page 80) so they are correctly formed and really help you achieve what you are aiming for.

[beckyb]

I'm not sure DB goals are what I need since I am in LRT mode. My goals are about helping me recover and move on. Chapter 3 is about goals related to R. I do need to have small, measurable goals though.

I have to confess that I have pretty much only read the parts about LRT. I think anything is just discouraging at this point.

[Sotto]

I think the chapter on goals is a little confusing and I think it is best to see the R 'goals' more as 'signs of progress.' It seems kind of pointless having them as goals because you actually don't have complete control over them as they relate to your spouse.

Much better to have goals that are all about you - they could be to do with health, money, learning, growth, weight, bucket list items, friendships, hobbies and so on. Of course, if you achieve your own goals, that may in itself draw your spouse towards you again....but of course that should never be the primary focus. The primary focus should always be you!

[beckyb]

Thanks Sotto. I agree. My situation is so far gone I don't even know what kinds of signs/milestones to look for. So I try not to do anything stupid and focus on me. Trying to follow all the DB rules can be very stressful in itself.

I am only 3 1/2 months out from BD and I'm just now recovered enough to think about actually goals. My plan is to write some down this weekend.

H says he wants to divorce quickly but hasn't done anything to move forward except file. Some days I think I have time DB to work and some days I don't. I'm trying to move forward but keep the door open a crack.

[Sotto]

Absolutely you have time, and there is always hope as long as you still have love for your H and are willing to leave the door open a tiny bit. Many sitches that seem pretty far gone (not saying yours is any more than anyone's here) can and do turn around. But the main thing is to move forward and not put your own life on hold. If your H ever wants to turn back and put in the hard work to reconcile, you can consider whether you want to at that point.

In the meantime....having some goals just for you and working towards them just for you is the best way to go I think....and good luck!!

[Azzork]

I'm not sure DB goals are what I need since I am in LRT mode.

In my opinion, the process laid out in DR really works for anything. Yeah, I guess it's about saving a marriage, but the end target can really be anything. Say you wanted to get a promotion; I think following the process laid out in DB works as well - Look at the situation from a beginner's mind, set goals, work to achieve them. Theres a ton of great stuff.

Honestly, while the LRT may be a primary reason that the WS/WAS comes back, it will NOT be the reason that they stay. What good is it to have them come back just to leave again?

So, in the interim, set your own goals. Recover, grow, evolve.

Who knows what will happen in a month, or 6 months, or 6 years.

[beckyb]

Thanks Azzork. I admire your goals and plan to use them as a model.

[Avanti]

Without goals at any point in our lives we become rudderless, therefore having them all of the time is important, not just during the DB process. There's nothing wrong with having stuff regarding your R with your H in there, yes you can't affect them as individuals, but as we know we do have power over where things turn and using that appropriately is important.

When we are feeling a little lost, (I am today) referring back to what we are aiming for is what will get us back on track with purpose and commitment.

I'm off to give my goals a going over and re-write where necessary to cast off the slightly down feeling I have right now.

What this means is that over the weekend, beckyb, we will be doing similar things and it'll be good to compare notes on how we feel at the end of it.

Obviously we don't need to publish our goals, unless, like Azzork we choose to, which I personally don't, that doesn't mean it is wrong to do so.

[beckyb]

Avanti, my first goal is get off this Forum for the rest of the weekend. I keep searching here for a magic bullet that doesn't exist. I read some good things but in some ways it's a crutch. Does that make sense?

I will check back in on goal Sunday evening.

[Avanti]

Yes it does. Be with yourself for a while and I'm looking forward to your update in a few days.

[beckyb]

I spent some time this weekend thinking about goals and what i want to achieve. I have not control of H and very little control over the timing of D so I am focusing on spiritual, emotional, physical and financial health. Here my goals for today through the end of November. I'd appreciate any input.

Spiritual:
•Begin every day with a devotional/bible verse
•Pray for other people every day
•Do bible study daily
•Cultivate S.M. friendships

Emotional:
•Journal everyday, including 3 blessings
•Don’t worry, pray
•Go to one Meet Up
•Do Radical Recovery modules 1 and 2
•Limited DB forum to 2x per day
•Do not text, email or call H
•Don’t push attorney

Physical:
•PT exercises everyday
•Pilates class 2x per week
•Walk/bike 3x per week
•Prep food/veggies 2x per week

Financial:
•Continue house sale prep: pack up glassware, go through 2 closets/drawers per week, install trim, fix light in basement, purge Christmas by half
•Do not use credit card
•Increase amount in savings
•Meet with mortgage loan guy

[Ancaire]

Wow, Becky! I am seriously inspired by your goals. I need to sit down and do the same - I am underwater at the moment, and struggling to get everything done.

I may print off your list and use it for inspiration!

[beckyb]

It's been been 3 1/2 months since things blew up for me. I was a complete wreck in the beginning but thought I was doing ok. The last week I have been a mess again. This is my way of trying to stay on track. This, and finally turning everything over to God. I have no control over H, very little control over the timing of D and no idea what the future holds. But He knows. I'm holding on to that.

[Avanti]

beckyb, I love your goals, you have obviously spent a lot of time preparing them. Had you considered adding something that you can use to measure their success?

Without this what may happen, as it does to others, is that you'll use the benefit of hindsight when you come to review their success of failure and that usually ends up in a degree of overly, self-critical appraisal. Defining your measurement now means there is a greater potential for your review to be more balanced.

It's been been 3 1/2 months since things blew up for me. I was a complete wreck in the beginning but thought I was doing ok. The last week I have been a mess again.

Sorry to hear that you feel you have slipped backward, your recovery time is so much quicker than before though, which is great news.

This is my way of trying to stay on track. This, and finally turning everything over to God. I have no control over H, very little control over the timing of D and no idea what the future holds. But He knows. I'm holding on to that.

Another big step towards detachment.

So you may feel you have taken 2 steps backward, but there are two big steps forward over this weekend.

Over the weekend I too have refreshed my goals (not going to publish them) and they feel good and they fit with the SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, results-focused, and time- bound) definitions (which in some ways I hate but they do make sense), which I am really proud of.

I also started and am currently finishing off a plan for the next month or so, to keep me focussed and will act as my navigation tool so that I can consult it rather than my emotions as things progress.

Even though there may be some storms we will have to deal with our future's are bright beckyb!

[beckyb]

Avanti,

I'm going to do a weekly Red,Yellow, Green assessment. Anything more complicated and I won't do it.

[Azzork]

I'm going to do a weekly Red,Yellow, Green assessment. Anything more complicated and I won't do it.

Becky, theres a tool in factories to visually monitor progress. For example, for safety, they will take a big S and divide it into 30 slices numbered for each day, then each day, color in the slice red/yellow/green. Theres often a S for safety, a Q for quality, and maybe a P for productivity or something like that. Im guessing, you could print out the same!

The goals themselves; great job! Now to stick with them!

Edit to add: Sorry, I work for a company that emphasizes visual management, and your color idea sparked that nerd spot in me. You can see that I only grade myself 1-5 on an every new thread basis, so Im not as specific as you are. Kudos!

[beckyb]

Azzork, I tried to be very specific with the goals so I can measure success. For me if an assessment is too complicated I won't do it. Your goals were a good guide for me.

[Avanti]

That works just fine.

[beckyb]

Just rambling. I am not telling anyone that I still want to save my marriage because they all think I'm crazy. So I'll ramble here because you all understand.

I'm so frustrating with H. He said he wanted to get divorced quickly, he didn't love me anymore, he wants to marry OW. Yet he still hasn't done anything since he filed. No attempt to settle. I just can't believe he's going to drag this out until trial in Jan/Feb. Make no sense but I does give me more time.

Maybe he really does have anxiety about getting divorced. More likely he is very overwhelmed with his and OW's health issues, and he's a huge procrastinator.

We rarely see each other or communicate. The big thing was he would contact me about getting his mail. Now that will slow down because he finally did a change of address request at the post office. I pushed him to it. On on hand I hate that it is happened but on the other hand it signals that things can't remain the same.

The last couple of weeks have been rough. I think I got cocky and thought I was doing well. I cut back on my IC and DB coach. And my friends and family have gone back to their lives. Apparently I still need a significant level of support so I'm reaching out to people again.

I have a lot of GAL activities but nothing with a lot of meaning. I need to start exploring opportunities to serve others. I believe that is the best antidote to depression.

In the mean time I have many things to be thankful for. Here are a few.
*A very well-paying job
*A roof over my head and more food than I should eat.
*An amazing support system, including some good friends have gone through the same thing I am.
*Friends with skills and muscle who are willing to help do things around my house.
*Budding friendships with ladies at a new church I am attending.
*The knowledge that my God knows my future and loves me unconditionally.

[Avanti]

Beckyb, you've kind of said what you need to do yourself.

You are grateful for what you have around you.

You life is enriched by more things than previously.

It is not uncommon to cut back on things when you feel they are going in the right direction, often that's the time to kick it up a notch or at the very least keep the same. Up your IC and DB coach time a bit and you'll feel better, maybe try just one or the other and see if the midway house helps? They are tools to help you, so use them wisely, those who use them as a crutch often end up in a very sorry state, never really shedding their neediness, it's simply redirected.

If your H is not pressing any more, so what? If it takes until Jan/Feb to come to court, so what?

Step back and let it be, enjoy your full life and wait to see wha happens. You seem quite patient and then sometime agitated, allow the "chilled" beckyb to remain dominate and you'll feel so much better.

Who knows what is around the corner for you? Worrying about it won't help, so relax and enjoy the calm and your batteries will be fully charged for whatever comes at you. Plus you'll have an inner peace that will give you the good grace to cope and at the same time thrive.

[Avanti]

You might want to consider starting a new thread as the 100 post limit is nearly upon you.

Maybe it could be the next chapter for you?

[beckyb]

The patient me is just a facade. I am extremely inpatient and controlling. When I act all patient it's just me trying to improve myself.

[Ancaire]

Well, you're doing a great job with your improvements, then! I think you're doing really well in a really awful situation.

[beckyb]

Thank you Ancaire.

[job]

Becky's new thread

A new day.